Digest for Saturday, December 05, 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 313 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Scots
- Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santas Pissed
- American Express in China(off. to China)
- Weird Business News #10 (3rd of 3)
- Snow White (mature)
- More P. U. N. Y. Riddles
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Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 04:50:19 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Scots
* A lot of ethic groups are known for being tight with money.
Other groups are known to drink too much. Some groups are
even known for being people of few words. Only the Scots
however have combined all these traits and thrown in a kilt
and bagpipes for good measure.
- - - - -
* The Scot told his wife, "Be sure now to take off your new eye
glasses if you're not looking at anything."
- - - - -
* A Scotsman's last daughter got married and the old man was
just thrilled to death -- the confetti was getting dirty.
- - - - -
* As I said, Scots are known to be frugal. But one guy was
carrying things a bit too far. It seems he slept with his
mother-in-law to save wear and tear on the bride.
- - - - -
* The jet plane started to rattle. Quickly, the pilot turned
northward. As soon as they crossed the border into Scotland,
everything tightened up.
- - - - -
* A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains he's
off to Glasgow on his honeymoon. His friend asks, "And just
where is your wife."
"She's seen Glasgow." the groom replied.
- - - - -
* Mr MacTavish was very sick. His wife sat at his bedside
after the doctor had said no more could be done. The man
said, "I don't think I'm going to make it thru the nite."
The wife replied, "I've got to finish my chores, but if
you feel yourself slipping away before I return, please be
sure to blow out the candle."
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
(text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
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Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 07:01:19 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 'Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santa's Pissed
'Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..
The old lady bitches
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS
And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes,
If that ain't damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?
And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM
If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.
I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment
There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....
(Thanks to Irismist)
Happy Holidays to one and all!
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 08:02:43 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: American Express in China(off. to China)
Q: Did you hear about the new American
Express Card
they are issuing in Red China?
A: You never leave home.
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
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Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 09:36:27 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #10 (3rd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Set us free from these releases.
The following gems come from the 1998 submissions to the annual Worst
Press Release in the World Contest, conducted by Glen Goldstein Marketing
Communications in New York City:
* A release sent to an editor of American Banker magazine on how to cure
head lice with olive oil.
* A multi-page release on a series of collectible dolls based on
characters in Anne Rice novels.
* A release sent to a U.S. trade magazine editor written in Hebrew.
* The PR headline, "Winstar announces accretive acquisition of long
distance frame relay provider."
Since the business world seems to be going through a period of merger
madness, here are some possible new ones -- as collected by Susan Farb
Morris:
* W.R. Grace Co. buys Fuller Brush, Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business
Systems, creating Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
* Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler merge to become
Polly-Warner-Cracker.
* Goodyear and 3M = mmmGood.
* John Deere and Abitibia-Price -- Deere Abi.
* Zippo Manufacturing, motor car maker Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining
become Zip Audi Do Da.
* Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil become Honey, I'm Home.
* Denison Mines and Alliance and Metal Mining merge and become Mine, All Mine.
* J.C. Penney and 3M and Canadian Opera Company would be the 3 Penney Opera.
* Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge into
the new lobbying and tourism organization, Knott NOW.
And finally, a thought sent in by a reader identified only as M.
Fjetland. "Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 11:47:48 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Snow White (mature)
1. If Doc is a doctor, why did he not cure Sneezy?
2. If Doc is not a doctor, why didn't Sneezy go buy some Allerest?
3. Should we call Happy, "You're OK" - and Grumpy, "You're not OK"?
4. If the dwarfs were diamond miners, why did they live in a shack?
5. Could the Dwarfs beat the Keebler Elves in a basketball game?
6. Why did the Dwarfs wear condoms on their heads?
7. If Doc is a doctor, why did he not cure Sleepy's narcolepsy?
8. What if one of the Dwarfs was really a bewitched prince who awakened
Snow White.
9. What was he doing kissing the sleeping Snow White? (not that there is
anything wrong with that.)
10. Would the kiss have changed the prince/dwarf into a frog?
11. Would a lawsuit be filed accusing said prince/dwarf/frog of sexual
harassment?
12. Should there be a Starrgate investigation of the prince/dwarf/frog's
sexual behaviour?
13. Were The Brothers Grimm and Disney guilty of obstruction of justice?
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Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 09:41:36 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: More P. U. N. Y. Riddles
69, Contrast Lawrence Olivier as Hamlet, Lon Chaney Jr. as the son of
Wolfman Yul Brenner as the King of Siam and Jimmy Stewart as Elwood P. Dowd.
70. What annual flower wants to wed a sugar daddy?
71. How would you describe an oyster that will not give up its pearl?
72. My mother-in-law and I have the same style purse. We have never
mixed them up because women have a sixth sense about their handbags.
What is this sixth sense called?
73. What famous explorer couldn't go for 24 hours without committing
some sort of wretched wordplay
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69. HAMLET WAS THE HEIR APPARENT,
THE SON OF WOLFMAN HAD A HAIRY PARENT,
THE KING OF SIAM WAS A NO-HAIR PARENT
AND WITH DOWD, THERE WAS NO HARE APPARENT.
(By Stan Kegel)
70. MARRY-GOLD (By Marilyn Escue)
71. VERY SHELLFISH (By David Bunch)
72. EXTRA SENSORY PURSEPTION (By Tiff Wimberly)
73. PUNS DAILY ON (By Gary Hallock)
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