Digest for Monday, January 04, 1999
There are 14 messages totalling 697 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Male Logic
- Smiles (adult)
- New Years Resolutions
- Three Sundry Funnies {adult}
- Road Hazard
- Around the world in a baloon
- What Goes Around Comes Around
- New Years Resolutions - Rebuttal
- The Post strikes again
- Her New Job (adult)
- What computer terms really mean
- The Chili Bowl
- A late breaking development (adult)
- True Stories...
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 04:42:59 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Male Logic
* The errant Jew was being counseled by his Rabbi. "Relax Sol."
said the sinner. "God will pardon me. It's his business."
- - - - -
* When asked how a group of men thought the state's marriage
license procedure could be improved, they suggested that a
"no-fault" divorce decree be printed on the reverse side.
- - - - -
* A girl takes her boyfriend to see his very first opera. He
sat thru a portion of "Aida" and then asked, "What's wrong
with that lady ? Is she dying ?"
"No." replied the girl. "There's nothing wrong with her."
"Then why is she screaming like that ?" he asked.
- - - - -
* In the days when the US Census takers went door-to-door,
one asked an older man when his birthday was. "June 3rd."
was the prompt reply.
"What year ?" the census taker continued.
"Every year, you damn fool !" replied the indignant resident.
- - - - -
* Two buddies were skiing and one slipped, tumbled end-over-
end down the slope. His friend rushed down, ran over and
asked if he were OK. "I feel as if I've broken every single
bone in my body." the tumbler moaned.
"Damn good thing you ain't a herring then, ain't it ?" said
his pal.
- - - - -
* Two old friends met at a bar and one announced that he was
getting married. His friend congratulated him and asked who
the bride was. "JoAnne, the lil' blonde cashier down at the
Giant grocery store." the groom-to-be replied.
"You old fool." his friend countered, "She's what, 20 some,
and you're in your 70's."
"What's wrong with that ?" the first man asked. "She's the
same age my first wife was when I married her."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 07:04:34 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles (adult)
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students,
about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a
pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely
hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no
one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a
bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final
exam today will receive a "B" for the course." There was much rejoicing
amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank
him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the
handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your
last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor
closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm
glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I resent that remark." said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria
table. "I'll give you 5 seconds to take that back."
"Oh yeah?" snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and
shoulders above the blonde. "Suppose I don't take it back in five
seconds?"
"Well..." stammered the blonde, "how much time do you need?"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4
basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall
into". His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't
fall into any food group". Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are
food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little
Johnny to drop the subject but he just would not let it go. He said "I
know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that
if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!"
------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 09:00:53 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: New Year's Resolutions
For Internet Junkies
1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail
addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).
3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with
which I answer my e-mail.
5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be
on the phone at the same time with the same person.
6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once
a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...
7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.
This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a
clock watcher.
8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not
reply "MS Tech Support."
9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
10. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
11. I will think of a password other than "password."
12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning...
4:30 is much more practical.
13. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve
to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-
line work done, too!
************************************
For Him & Her [Him (Y) / Her (X)]
X - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or
Superbowl weekend)
X - ONLY - one chocolate bar per week
Y - ONLY - three nights at topless bar per week
X - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom
TV remote
X - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing
list
X - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
X - Get organized/clean house
Y - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
X - Buy new Daily Planner
Y - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
X - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
X - Read More / Less TV
Y - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
X - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Y - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
X - Plan budget / Save more money
Y - Only three nights at topless bar per week
(Thanks to Mary Campbell)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 10:02:34 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Three Sundry Funnies {adult}
Original Source Unknown
A Professional To The End
A plumber Joe was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair
a leaking pipe. When Joe arrived, he was pleased to discover that
the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the repair
the two became extremely friendly. About 5:30 p.m. the phone rang,
halting the bedroom activities.
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on
his way home. He will be going back to the office around 8. Come
back then, dear, and we can pick up where we left off."
Joe the union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On
my own time?"
==================================================
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to
the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the
house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I
raise the tiolet seat and pee onto the inside of the bowl. I ease
into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out
so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm
up the steps, throw open the door to the bathroom, stand on top of
the tiolet tank to pee into the water, throw my shoes into the
closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How
about some sex!!' and she's always sound asleep.
_________________________________________
Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a
second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park.
The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure
where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride
on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the
enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line
got its name.
They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding
name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers
saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal
Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on
the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What
the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not
intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which
was popular at the time. It stood for "Who Gives A Shit
Anyhow?"
++++++
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 10:13:12 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Road Hazard
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Lee, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on i75. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Lee, "it's not just one car... It's hundreds of them!"
*********************************************************
"Beware of strong drink. It will make you shoot at
tax collectors -- and miss." -- Lazarus Long
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 12:09:35 -0500
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Around the world in a baloon
This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text,
while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.
---559023410-851401618-915469775=:11340
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII
Content-ID: <Pine.GSO.3.96.990104120836.11340C@dgs.dgsys.com>
Content-Description: "cc:Mail Note Part"
This story ran in the Orlando Sentinel on New Years day - Section A page 2:
Title : Richard Branson is rich, but he is no Phineas Fogg
Jean-Jules Verne, great grandson of Around the World in 80 days author Jules
Verne, dismissed the effort of Richard Branson and company to circle the globe
in a balloon as "more a millionaires whim of fantasy than a worthwhile
scientific challenge." Verne said that if his ancestor were alive today, " he
would be much more excited by the first manned flight to Mars than watching
businessmen attempting crackpot balloon records."
---559023410-851401618-915469775=:11340--
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 13:19:32 -0500
From: Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: What Goes Around Comes Around
Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate -- approached
the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.
"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton"
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had
extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I
didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit
perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's
the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but
we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon
entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 19:59:30 GMT
From: Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: New Year's Resolutions - Rebuttal
I must take issue with Bill Stebbins' last post.
> For Internet Junkies
>
> 1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
Only 9? Don't be daft, man; I have unlimited addresses and it still
isn't enough.
> 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).
What, and lose touch altogether?
> 3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I resolve to sign up my children so they, too, can contact me when they
need me.
> 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I
> answer my e-mail.
No I won't. Snail mail means bills.
> 5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the
> phone at the same time with the same person.
Good point. Someone else may need to get in touch.
> 6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...
> okay, monthly then...or maybe...
RAID
> 7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of
> course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
It will become even more difficult to estimate once I have destroyed all
my clocks.
> 8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS
> Tech Support."
Certainly not once I've found a support organisation which knows what it
is doing.
> 9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
When I tell a funny joke I will resist the urge to strangle the person
who responds, "LOL!"
> 10. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
Aye, there's the rub. I know it's in this pile somewhere. Or is it
that pile...
> 11. I will think of a password other than "password."
Oh, 'eck. You mean we both have the same password?
> 12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is
> much more practical.
Yes, I really should wait 2 hours after my 2:30 check.
> 13. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh,
> get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done,
> too!
Just as soon as I finish with my e-mail. And my website. And use-net.
And...
Trust me, I'm a doctor^Wnetaholic.
Catweasel <catweasel@catweasel.org>
http://www.catweasel.org
I would like to thank my mother and father, they taught me to think ahea
d
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 17:25:59 -0500
From: Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: The Post strikes again
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition:
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as
your septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous
"Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't understand it.
Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra
prescription.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as Gabby Hayes.
DIOS: the one true operating system.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.
Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds
you in awe.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a
serious bummer.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
Manufracture: to produce items which break after little use.
Imargination: the fantasy of being liminalized.
Telegant: Looking good on tv.
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 16:52:24 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Her New Job (adult)
Our neighbor, a not to bright, woman got
a new job working in a sperm
bank. We ran into her about a week after
she started her new job and
asked her what she did.
She said "Well, I just sit in the reception
area and greet all the men
who come in. It's mainly men. Women
never come in there. And I act
cordial. And I point out to the men where
they should go. And when they
come out, I say, . . . 'Thank you for
coming.=92=94
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:59:12 +0800
From: Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> What computer terms really mean
Apologies as the source has been lost 3-10 forwards ago:
Computer and Internet terms - What they REALLY mean.
Modem
What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Token Ring
A virtual engagement gift.
Ethernet
A device for catching the Ether Bunny.
DataPac
A size 14 girl in a size 8 bikini.
Asynch
A place to wash your hands.
Bysnch
The place where Elton John washes his hands.
BBS
Tall tales told by insects that produce honey.
ASCII
The ancient god of telecommunications. Rumoured to give
vast amounts of
data to believers. Hence, the phrase "ASCII and you shall
receive."
Block Parity
One heck of a good time.
Carrier Detect
Raison d'=EAtre for premarital blood tests.
File Transfer
Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff who are
tired of their
present jobs.
Hayes Compatible
Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who sings
off-key. Gene Autry
is the industry standard.
Serial Interface
A spoon.
Terminal Emulation
A function performed by a canary that lays on its back with
its legs in
the air.
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 09:22:08 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Chili Bowl <must be clean..:)>
A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to
him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and
starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead
mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy
says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Chalapathi
And This Ain't His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 22:55:49 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A late breaking development (adult)
Jay Leno, Master of Ceremonies of the "Tonight Show," a late night
American television show, just announced that a Little Rock, Arkansas
prostitute has declared that U.S. President Bill Clinton fathered her
son. "Not so!" declared President Bill. "What happened is that she sat
on Monica's dress!"
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 01:46:54 +0000
From: Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: True Stories...
Five Philippines treasure hunters were killed in March in Rizal
province after they found a live World War II bomb and tried to
pound it open with a crowbar. And a Philippines naval officer died in
January in Zamboanga City while renovating his home when he used a
live mortar shell as a hammer.
@@@@@@@@
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children
what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means
'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
@@@@@@@@
My sister-in-law, Clara, wanted to see if she could get some
information on my condition after I had had a mild heart attack. She
asked the duty Nurse if I was making any progress.
"Not in the least." the Nurse replied, "He's not my type."
@@@@@@@@
Ottawa Citizen, Aug. 25/98
LONDON - A couple making love in a Manchester cemetery were injured
when a gravestone fell on top of them.
The 25-year-old woman, who suffered cuts and bruises, scrambled
free and ran almost a kilometer to a public phone box to call
the emergency services. When firefighters arrived in the city's
Southern Cemetery they found her 27-year-old partner, wearing a
skirt and white silk stockings, trapped under the gravestone.
A member of the fire brigade said: "Some of the lads thought it
was a bit of a wind-up, but when we found the man and saw how much
pain he was in, we quickly got to work to free him."
It took five firefighters to lift the tombstone. The man was
treated in the cemetery before being tranferred to South Manchester
hospital.
A fire department spokesman said: "We responded immediately to
the call, but it took some time to find the injured man. It was dark
in the cemetery and it is a big place. We had difficulty finding
the grave.
A spokesman for the ambulance service said the injured man was
dis-charged after being treated for head injuries.
@@@@@@@@@
When I was a public health nurse, I had a young patient who was
pregnant for the third time in less than 3 years.
I asked her if she used any birth control and she said that we took
birth control pills. I asked her to bring them to me so that we could
talk about what she was doing, the dosage and whether or not she
needed to change to another type of birth control. With that, she
went to the bedroom and came back with . . . vaginal foaming pills
(about the size of a Necco wafer). She said, "I've been taking them
just like the doctor told me - every time I have sex I take one.
They're hard to swallow but I manage." I sat there for a moment
trying to control the hysterical laughter that was rising and ready to
burst out of me. I had visions of those foaming tablets bubbling up
out of her mouth. I finally grasped onto my professionalism and said
in a somewhat stifled (but controlled) voice said, "You were supposed
to insert those vaginally every time you had intercourse - not swallow
them." Her reply was, "Now I know why they didn't work." Needless to
say, I had some teaching to do and a new form of birth control to get
for her!!
@@@@@@@@@
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