Digest for Tuesday, January 05, 1999
There are 14 messages totalling 559 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Religion
- Smiles (mature)
- Checking Meters
- You Know Your Life Sucks...
- Disdainful questions & comments about contemporary events
- Minnesota Computer Terminology
- Washington Post - an addition
- Two Clean Jokes
- another blonde joke
- My New Years resolutions
- Gods Vacation
- The 3 Roses (adult)
- Composure - Part 1/2
- Drillin Rights
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 04:13:23 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Religion
* The Bible states that the meek shall inherit the Earth.
Unfortunately, the strong keep contesting the will.
- - - - -
* As I understand the "Quaker" faith, they strive never to have
any disagreements or arguments nor become angry. I think that
pretty much sums-up why the Quaker men currently outnumber the
Quaker women approximately 17 to 1.
- - - - -
* Speaking of Quakers (I was) a Rabbi in Pennsylvania complained
to an associate that many of the younger people in his Temple
were converting to the Quaker faith.
The associate responded, "You've got the same problem ? Why
in my Temple, some of my best Jews are Friends."
- - - - -
* Speaking of Jews (I was) when Mrs JimJr and I lived in Randall
Ridge, the community was perhaps 40-50% Jewish. A new neighbor
invited to one of our Holiday parties, commented on the lack of
Christmas decorations in the development: "I wish I'd have known
how many Jews lived in 'The Ridge'. I'd never have bought here."
Another of our guests, Ms Ruthenburg, smiled sweetly & replied,
"Perhaps you should have tried Hell -- there are no Jews there."
- - - - -
* A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his
parish wearing the tiniest of bikini's. A Nun walked over and
said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that !"
The Priest replied, "Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be
on a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet."
- - - - -
* When Columbia Maryland was constructed, its founder stressed
diversity among the monied above all else. In the early days,
four churches were established for a very small population.
Following a service, a visitor commented to the Minister on the
sparse attendance saying it appeared his flock wasn't doing well.
"This is true." the Pastor responded. "But thank God the other
three Churches are having lots of problems too."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 07:18:29 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles (mature)
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she
is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do
have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein
loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider
that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care
of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter
with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?"
"I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an
old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the
wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every
day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying
for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25
years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood
of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the
eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is
amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years
and pray for these things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly: "Like
I'm talking to a wall."
--------------------------------------
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his
pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had
enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very
busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private
schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going
nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith,
asked him to drop by. "So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit
anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he
said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours
are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said,
"but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should
have a middle name!"
-----------------------------------
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The
four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the
erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me
$1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all
pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a
bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give
me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they
all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way
to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited,
have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will
give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and
points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance.
That's the hospital where I had it done!"
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:15:07 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Checking Meters
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They
parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the
other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that
an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard
as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:57:04 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: You Know Your Life Sucks...
YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN.....
-- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
-- You take an assertiveness training course and
you're afraid to tell your wife.
-- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
-- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
-- You have to take out a loan just to get money for
the down payment.
-- Your children's school calls to surrender.
-- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
-- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
-- Your plants do better when you _don't_ talk to them.
-- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
-- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
(via Shara Rendell-Smock)
*******************************************************
"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents,
and everyone is writing a book." -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:10:37 EST
From: Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Disdainful questions & comments about contemporary events
Bumper stickers seen on the same car: "Buckle Up for Safety" and
"Support Organ Donation."
I'd like to propose a law against the use of word "terminal" anywhere
near an airport.
Politics comes from the Latin root poli, meaning many, and ticks,
which are blood-sucking insects.
I asked my wife the other day, "Will you love me when I'm old and
senile?" She said, "Of course I do."
I hear there is a lockout in the NBA. What's the NBA?
I haven't heard anyone say they miss the NBA.
The best way to make certain that an issue is address but never
accomplished is to give it to a task force.
Never get on a scale the day after Christmas.
What is more ridiculous than three grown, intelligent men trying to
fly around the world in a balloon?
Amswer: Journalists who report it as a headline news event.
Another answer: Spending our taxes for the Coast Guard to pluck
wealthy adventurers out of the ocean, over and over again. Ditto for
yacht racers.
Ever wonder about those people who spend two euros a throw on those
little bottles of Evian water? Trying spelling Evian backward.
My wife said the secret of a happy marriage is for the husband to
always give in to his wife. I replied that I am not in a happy
marriage.
My brother and sister were in one those Christmas plays at church. I
couldn't help but think, "Man, this play must be fiction, because my
sister is an angel and my brother is a wise man."
Main source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:47:18 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Minnesota Computer Terminology
Untimate source unknown.
I've seen this done "southern", but this was a new one to me
*****************************************
Here's a Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo
LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add no more vood
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: come on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero
SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season
CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find em
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats
DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da
new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 11:35:21 -0500
From: Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Washington Post - an addition
Here is an excellent entry (and timely!) sent to me:
From: Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@colstate.edu>
>
>Wishington. (n., place) the political capital (sic) of the United
>States; a place where Federal politicians go if elected; where hope
>is confused with greed.
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 13:56:10 EST
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Two Clean Jokes
Question: Why does Bill Clinton have a clean conscience?
Answer: He's never used it.
-----------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
===================================
"I plan to live forever
or die trying."
Spider Robinson
===================================
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 18:21:22 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: another blonde joke <crude>
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother
in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims,"I dont have any
money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!!!" To that the
man asks, "Anything??" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!" He walks into
the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then
says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She
does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and
takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She
brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she
says, "Hello...Mom?"
Steven
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 21:17:46 EST
From: Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: My New Years resolutions
In 1999, I resolve to....
-Do my taxes......for 1991.
-Prepare for the Y2K crisis by purchasing food, batteries, and the latest
release of "How to become a paranoid schizophrenic in 3 easy lessons".
-Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
-Secure a patent for my new "reusable condom" invention.
-Pay up the back child support payments to the couple who first tested my
invention.
-Convince my girlfriend that the added weight of breast implants will reduce
face wrinkles.
-Continue to help O.J. find the real killer.
-Persuade my boss to give me a company car, provide a stock-option plan, and
let me work the drive-thru window.
- Tell my brother that I really didnt sleep with his ex-wife.
-Tell my ex-wife that I really didnt sleep with her brother.
-Develop a fitness plan that will accomodate my four-pack-a-day smoking habit.
-Convince my girlfriend that oral sex prevents cavities.
-Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys at the
pentagon seem to have no sense of humor.
-Improve my sexual stamina by surpassing my current record of 29 seconds.
-Try not to scratch my butt and pick my nose with the same hand.
-Do more two-steppin' and less two-timin' down at the local Slurp-N-Burp.
- Find out why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased
never showed up.
-Convince my girlfriend that sex between women is o.k. as long as there's a
man present.
-Turn myself in to the authorities.
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 18:47:44 -0800
From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: God's Vacation
God's Vacation
God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need
a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? I
t's nice and warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know
how that hurts my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God
about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going
Down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went
There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL
talking About it!"
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
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Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 21:37:26 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The 3 Roses (adult)
A woman goes to her doctor and said she wanted and
operation done because her vagina lips were much too large.
She then asked the doctor to keep the
operation a secret as she didn't want anyone to find out, so the doctor
agreed.
She woke up from her operation only to find three roses carefully placed
beside her in bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor.
She said to him, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!.
The doctor told her he did not and not to worry. He then continued...
The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all
by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me
with the operation and the had the operation done herself."
Just then the girl asked about the third rose.
"The doctor said Oh, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 09:29:29 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Composure - Part 1/2 <clean>
* Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day
invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before he
could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium a
very unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him.
The word rung in everyone's ears. There was a shocked silence but Capp,
keeping his composure, said: "Now that you've given us your name, what's
your question ?"
* A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he
came face to face with a rival.The street was too narrow for two to
pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said
haughtily: "I never make way for fools !"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said :" I always do. "
* A politician, who was very small-sized, was often derided by an
opponent, a tall, well-built man. One day the opponent walked up to
him, looked down sneeringly and said loudly :"You know, I could just
swallow you up!"
"In that event," said the little fellow, looking up," you would have
more brains in your stomach than you'll ever have in your head!"
Chalapathi
And This Ain't His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 00:22:24 -0500
From: Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Drillin' Rights <adult themes>
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that
divorce
proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped
the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife
isn't a piece of property,
you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drillin' rights!"
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