Digest for Wednesday, January 06, 1999

Topics of the day:

1. YELLOW SPLBLBLBLBT (adult)
2. Assorted College Sports
3. Coffee Break
4. Scented Candles
5. The Two-headed Dog (adult)
6. Grounds for Divorce
7. COFFEEEEEEEEEE
8. Differences Between Good Girls And Bad Girls
9. New Bumper stickers in Washington DC
10. Hells addressbook
11. Primitive Tech Support
12. Composure - Part 2/2

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:14:18 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: YELLOW SPLBLBLBLBT (adult)

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a
small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an
Englishman
down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that
little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry,
"SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to the
Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is
that thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a
leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to
drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that
leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.
The  leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the
Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he
does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  Just enjoy the Raneboux~
     RAINY

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 03:10:11 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Assorted College Sports

* I hear the three most popular sports in Texas are professional
  football, college football and high school football.
                                - - - - -

* A basketball coach at Auburn University came up with a unique
  ploy to obtain taller players for his losing team -- seven foot
  female cheerleaders.
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of cheerleaders (I was) a true college football fan
  is one who can sit in the front row at the 50 yard line and
  ask, "What cheerleaders ?"
                                - - - - -

* The pro-football world was astounded when the New York Jets
  offered a Senior at Ithaca College a starting position on
  next year's team.  The student negotiated his own contract:
  a million dollar deal -- $10,000/year for one hundred years.
                                - - - - -

*   An irate alumnus asked the football coach how many males
  were currently enrolled. The coach estimated about 12,000.
    "Would it be too much to ask then," the man shouted,
  "That a few of them run in front of the ball carrier ?"
                                - - - - -

* The Univ of Wisconsin coach gathered his team around him.
  "OK guys, remember, this is basketball -- a game to develop
  initiative, your ability to lead & individualization within
  a team effort.  Now go out there and do exactly as I say."
                                - - - - -

*   The hot-shot sophomore pitcher at an Iowa Tech baseball game
  was in trouble.  The bases were loaded and there was only one
  out.  The manager walked out to the mound and his star pitcher
  said, "I struck this guy out last time."
    "Yes, I know..." replied the manager, taking the ball, "But
  it was earlier in this same inning."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 07:10:47 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Coffee Break

 It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at
 the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
 woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She
 turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would
 rather commit adultery than smoke!"
 "So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time
 enough during a coffee break."

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 08:06:20 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Scented Candles

It seems in this day and time you can't go into an area dominated
by a woman without detecting the 'aroma' (odorous terribilis) of
some kind of bizarre scented candle.  Everything from 'Boisonberry
Vanilla Potpourri' to 'Spice Orange Jasmine Chocolate'.  Sometimes
it gives me a headache!

Well, it's about time men had their own scented candles.  Below you
will find a few scents men would appreciate.
      ATTENTION WOMEN:  I know a few of you will understand these.
      Most of you won't.

SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN

'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust
Gunpowder
Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)
Frying Bacon  (actually, a lot of different fried foods)
Wood Smoke
Chainsaw Exhaust
Freshly Caught Bass
Foot Locker
Fresh Cow Pie  (especially if it's your own cows)
Ozone  (arc welder, of course)
Acetlyene
Freshly Moved Dirt
Diesel Engine Exhaust
Rubbing Alcohol
Sale Barn
Silage
Sawdust
New Tires
Hot Metal
3 Year Old Cap
Petroleum Products:
    Gasoline
    Diesel
    Kerosene
    Drip Gas
    Propane
Quail Guts (shoot, ANY guts!)
Ammonia Fertilizer  (light, of course)
Burning Grass or Leaves  (not that 'pot' crap, either!)
Napalm  (I've never smelled it but my brother has)
Alfalfa
Firecrackers
Latex Paint

(from Jerry Swartwood via AIKEN DRUM)

************************************************************
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 09:32:10 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Two-headed Dog (adult)

 Rainy's post about "YELLOW SPLBLBLBLBT" reminded me of an old one about
 a two-headed dog who was incredibly mean. A man asked its owner, "If he
 has two heads, how does he shit?"  And the owner answers, "He doesn't.
 That's what makes him so mean!"

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 11:10:00 -0500
From:    Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Grounds for Divorce   <may offend somebody>

Grounds for Divorce


A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce.  He is
taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have
grounds for a divorce?"

To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am.  What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.

"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you
have a grudge?"

Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady.
Why the hell do you want a divorce?"

"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 11:05:11 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: COFFEEEEEEEEEE

You know you drink too much coffee when...

 * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
 * You ski uphill.
 * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
 * You speed walk in your sleep.
 * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are
    good in the sack."
 * You answer the door before people knock.
 * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
 * You just completed another sweater and you don't know
   how to knit.
 * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
 * You sleep with your eyes open.
 * You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
 * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
 * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
   without using the timer.
 * You lick your coffeepot clean.
 * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
 * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse
   and you don't even work there.
 * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
 * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
 * You chew on other people's fingernails.
 * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
 * You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
   margaritas.
 * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
 * You can jump-start your car without cables.
 * Cocaine is a downer.
 * All your kids are named "Joe."
 * You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
 * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
 * You don't sweat, you percolate.
 * You buy milk by the barrel.
 * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
 * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
 * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
   it's not plugged in.
 * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
 * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic
  stirrers.
 * People get dizzy just watching you.
 * When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it
   up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
 * You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
 * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
 * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
 * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava
   lamp.
 * You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
 * People can test their batteries in your ears.
 * Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
 * Instant coffee takes too long.
 * You channel surf faster without a remote.
 * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to
   the last drop."
 * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest
   of eternity in a coffee can.
 * You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
 * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
 * You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
 * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the
   coffee.
 * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean
   beer.
 * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
 * You get drunk just so you can sober up.
 * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
 * Your Thermos is on wheels.
 * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
 * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
 * You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
 * You short out motion detectors.
 * You have a conniption over spilled milk.
 * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
 * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
 * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
 * You don't tan, you roast.
 * You don't get mad, you get steamed.
 * Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and
   coffee after.
 * Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass
   of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
 * You can't even remember your second cup.
 * You help your dog chase its tail.
 * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
 * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
 * You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
 * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
 * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an
   I.V. hookup.

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 11:54:31 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Differences Between Good Girls And Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do to, but only for starters
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 10:24:58 -0800
From:    Daniel Israel <DanielIS@MOSAIX.COM>
Subject: New Bumper stickers in Washington DC

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you . . .Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery is not a family value

Does character matter YET?

America needs a President Not a Predator

One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.


-D. Israel
danielis@mosaix.com <mailto:danielis@mosaix.com>

Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have
for which you would not take money.

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 13:37:19 -0500
From:    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?Aditya,_the_]-[indu__$kepti=A2?= <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Hell's  addressbook

There is book  called "Who In
Hell. . " and is subtitled."A Guide to
the Whole Damned Bunch." It's a
biographical dictionary of the
inhabitants of hell, both the demonic
and sinners, as delineated by Catholic
doctrine, Biblical passages, and more
recent texts (like Dante's Inferno and
Mlton's Paradise Lost). As such, it's
both a lampoon of organized religious
morality and a lambasting of some really
awful members of the human race.

One of the great parts of this book  is
that, according to its authors, Henry
Kissenger is apparently _already_ in
hell. Apparently, in  some cases,
according to Dante, a person's soul will
be immediately consigned to hell and his
body inhabited by a demon if the sin is
really big, Henry went straight to hell
for hypocrisy after accepting the Nobel
Peace Prize.

The authors also wrote a book called
"Saints Preserve Us!", an index of those
canonized by the Catholic church.

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Date:    Wed, 6 Jan 1999 18:13:28 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Primitive Tech Support

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial
revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to
communicate:

 + Fire help.  Me Groog.
 - Me Lorto.  Help.  Fire not work.
 + You have flint and stone?
 - Ugh.
 + You hit them together?
 - Ugh.
 + What happen?
 - Fire not work.
 + (sigh) Make spark?
 - No spark, no fire, me confused.  Fire work yesterday.
 + (sigh) You change rock?
 - I change nothing.
 + You sure?
 - Me make one change.  Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not
   burn Lorto hand.  Only small change, should not keep Lorto from make
   fire.

 [Groog grabs a club and goes to Lorto's cave...]

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Date:    Thu, 7 Jan 1999 09:26:49 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Composure - Part 2/2 <clean>

* At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man,
  tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was
  served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and
  smirked :"Is this pig?"
  Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly :"Which end of the fork
  are you refering to ?"


* And consider the well-known example of Winston Churchill, one of history's
  most delightful wits. Churchill who loved a good tipple, was at a
  party and getting a little drunk. A very large and aggresive-looking
  woman walked up to him, glared and said : " You're drunk!"
  Looking calmly at her, he smiled and said:" Madam, I'm drunk and
  you're ugly. But tomorrow, I'll be sober."


* The ultimate repartee must be that of R.B.Sheridan, the political
  enemy of William Pitt. Pitt was provoked one day to say to him
  scornfully: "You will come to your end upon the gallows or of a
  venereal disease."
  "That depends, Mr.Pitt," replied Sheridan," on whether I embrace your
  principles or your mistress."

Chalapathi
And This Ain't His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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