Digest for Monday, February 01, 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 596 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Mixed Up Metaphors (Puns)
- (Not so Sweet) Mysteries of Life
- Empty & Monica (only off. to Monica)
- Super Bowl Followup
- Soon To Be Newlyweds
- Down Under
- Airplane crash
- Definitions
- Contrived questions & comments about contemporary life
- Ethnic Stereotype of The Day
- Good Sayings
- A Lawyer Needsa Hobby
- If Abbie was a man
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 00:37:19 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Mixed Up Metaphors (Puns)
The best of MIXED UP METAPHORS
By Richard Lederer from his book Anguished English
I wouldn't be caught dead in that movie with a ten-foot pole.
The sacred cows have come home to roost with a vengeance.
Milwaukee is the golden egg that the rest of the state wants to milk.
She'll get it by hook or ladder.
The bankers' pockets are bulging with the sweat of the honest working
man.
That's a very hard blow to swallow.
These hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.
The slowdown is accelerating.
That snake in the grass is barking up the wrong tree.
When we get to that bridge, we'll jump.
Don't sit there like a sore thumb -
Everyone whose ox has been gored is going to be squealing.
It's time to swallow the bullet.
It's time to grab the bull by the tail and look it in the eye.
The budget deficit is an albatross we carry on our back.
IThe sword of Damocles is hanging over Pandora's Box.
It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake.
I was so surprised you could have knocked me over with a fender.
Let dead dogs sleep.
Stop beating a dead horse to death.
Regret to inform you that the hand that rocked the cradle has kicked the
bucket.
>From now on, I'm watching everything you do with a fine-tuned comb.
That guy's out to butter his own nest.
I would not have gone in there over my dead body.
Many cities and towns have community gardening programs that need a
little more help to get off the ground.
He threw a wet towel on the meeting.
We've got to be careful about getting too many cooks into this soup, or
somebody's going to think there's dirty work behind the crossroads.
We both had crewcuts, which made our ears stick out Eke sore thumbs.
In our school, freshmen are on the lowest rungs of the totem pole.
He's between a rock and the deep blue sea.
Let's hope that Steve Carlton gets his curve ball straightened out.
Let us nip this political monkey in the bud before it sticks to us like
a leech.
He was a very astute politician with both ears glued to the ground.
I do hope that you don't think I've been making a mountain out of a mole
hole, but that's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell.
If you have a chance, watch Richard Lederer on the Monday night,
February 1, @ 8 p.m., debut of "20/20" on ABC television.
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 03:39:27 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: (Not so Sweet) Mysteries of Life
* Throughout the Bible's Old Testament, not much good is said
about adultery. Turn to the New Testament however and there
we are admonished to "Love our Neighbor" -- I mean, go figure.
- - - - -
* The Bible study class was told that Solomon fed his thousand
wives ambrosia & nectar. Never mind that !!! I wantta know
what the hell HE ate and drank.
- - - - -
* The computer age finally entered the weekly football pools at
the State Highway Administration. Problem is now though, the
computer wins every damn week.
- - - - -
* I've heard several Senators say they were going to "vote their
conscience" on the matter of removing Clinton from office. OK,
but what are those Senators without consciences supposed to do.
- - - - -
* I love to hold a conversation. Problem is, many people don't
know how to let go of it. I've often wondered if people who
love to shoot off their mouths use gunpowder as toothpaste.
- - - - -
* We've all heard "Laughter is the best medicine". Lately though
I'm not all that sure -- if that were really true, wouldn't the
medical profession have found a way by now to charge us for it?
- - - - -
* Following my bypass, I was confined to only the upper level of
our house, not allowed to use stairs or ride in a car for three
weeks. Well... except to go see the doctors, of course.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 06:57:00 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Empty & Monica (only off. to Monica)
A man from Maryland was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn, he rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." His
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can
you hear it?" He thought for a time and then asked..."Is it on or off?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica Lewinsky was walking along a beach, when she spotted a bottle in
the sand. She bent over and picked up the bottle, began to wipe the
sand off the bottle, when POOF, out jumped a Genie from the bottle. He
thanked Monica for freeing him from the bottle, and offered her 1 wish.
Monica thought to herself, "Well, I'm already famous, and with my new
book being published, I'm going to be rich". Suddenly an idea came to
her. She looked at the Genie and said "You know, I really wish you could
make these love handles of mine disappear", and POOF ... her ears fell
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 07:13:49 -0500
From: Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Super Bowl Followup
We all watched the Super bowl, followed by the requisite Disneyland /
Disneyworld commercial. Now the question arises, 'How can we top
this?'
--
Bill Clinton, you have just been convicted of Perjury and Obstruction
of Justice. What are you going to do now?!?!
I'm going to Hooters!!!!!!
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 08:17:37 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Soon To Be Newlyweds <adult>
A couple was about to be married. The groom was walking down the
aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man
noticed that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man asked, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up - you look so excited."
The groom replied, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had
in my entire life!"
Just then the bride came walking down the aisle and she, too, had the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor noticed this
and asked, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up - you look so excited."
The bride replied, "I have just given the last blow job of my
entire life!"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 09:12:20 -0500
From: Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Down Under
Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was
offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it
up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house
and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front. Neville thought to
himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find
out I missed one house then I will get fired." So he went up to the door
and
knocked on it.
To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a
sight of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?"
The man replied, "I bon on 'olidays,"
Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?"
"I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply.
Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya fucken idiot -- where's ya
Wheelie
Bin?"
The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he
said.
"I weally bin in jail -- but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!"
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:14:04 +0200
From: Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Airplane crash
Flight seven-oh-niner has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a
voice comes over the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash
positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as
gentle as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little
old lady, terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel
in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like
this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little
lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
--- Felix
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 10:35:13 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Definitions
NOTICE:
I received word from a friend that the "Girls You Might See
In The Restroom" joke I sent in Thurs 28 Jan 1999 was a lot
older than I'd assumed...
> Alan Dundes and Carl R. Pagter (1975. Urban Folklore from
> the Paperwork Empire. Austin, TX: American Folklore Society)
> give the essence of this story both in text and cartoon form.
> They indicate that it had been around for years in '75.
Thanx, Jim!!
---------------------------------------------
Abdicate -- v., to give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach.
Balderdash -- n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Bustard -- n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Carcinoma -- n., a valley in California,
notable for its heavy smog.
Circumvent -- n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Coffee -- n., a person who is coughed upon.
Esplanade -- v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted -- adj., appalled over how much weight
you have gained.
Flatulence -- n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.
Gargoyle -- n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Lymph -- v., to walk with a lisp.
Marionettes -- n., residents of Washington who have been
jerked around by the mayor.
Negligent -- adj., describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Oyster -- n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
Rectitude -- n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Semantics -- n., pranks conducted by young men studying
for the priesthood, including such things as gluing
the pages of the priest's prayer book together just
before vespers.
Testicle -- n., a humorous question to an exam.
Willy-nilly -- adj., impotent.
*******************************************************
It's free, so technically we can't disappoint you!
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 15:53:51 EST
From: Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Contrived questions & comments about contemporary life
Watch out for people with vision. An hallucination is a vision.
How come the House managers didn't need any witness testimony to
indict, yet now they must have witnesses to convict?
What a stupid question: Everybody knows that Republicans don't need
evidence to convict Clinton, but to get a Democrats to convict
Clinton, the House managers would actually need some evidence.
I just paid more for a small coffee than I did for a gallon of
gasoline.
I prefer "Seinfeld" and "Friends" reruns to sex. I wish my husband
felt the same.
I would rather give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to my dog than a
cigarette smoker.
President Clinton, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say will be misquoted by "journalists," then used against you.
Rubberneckers are like snowflakes: No two look alike and both will
back up traffic.
Psychiatry is the search of the id by the odd.
Thank you, Mr. President, for spending 15 years of budget surpluses
that we don't even have yet.
I don't know how things work in the Clinton household, but this is the
point where my wife would make me resign.
It's better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with the same jerk
for the rest of your life.
I don't believe it. A telemarketers hung up on me. Do I win a prize or
something?
The guy in the muffler shop said I didn't need an appointment. They
could hear me coming.
If Bill Clinton testifies at the trial, would it make any sense to
swear him in?
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:11:33 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Ethnic Stereotype of The Day
From Jeffrey Kacirk's "Forgotten English" calendar for 1999:
Feb 1. St. Brigid's Day
"This fifth-century Irish patron saint of dairy maids is
credited with the miracle of having changed her bath-
water into beer to refresh a group of hungry people."
I wonder if she was using IRISH SPRING soap at the time...
--
Jim Mica JMICA@ITHACA.EDU
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:08:07 -0800
From: Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Good Sayings
With Thanks to Katherine Boswell
> 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
> 2. A day without sunshine is, like, night.
> 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
> 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
> 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
> 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
> misquoted, then used against you.
> 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
> 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
> 11. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
> 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
> remains?
> 13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
> 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
> 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
> 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
> 18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
> cheese.
> 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
> 20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
> 21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
> 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
> 23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
> 24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
> 25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
> 26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
>
--
Susan Birkenseer
Sue@CircusPrepress.com
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 18:10:05 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: A Lawyer Needsa Hobby
A young lawyer decided that his life
needed a hobby. Since his
buddies talked about sailing, he thought
he'd give it a go. He
went to the local boat show and asked a
lot of questions.
Everything seemed to be going well when
he said, "How do you dock
the boat?"
The salesman replied, "Well, you
really don't dock the
sailboat, you tie it up to a float just
beyond the dock. This way
you don't bang up the finish on the craft."
"Well then," the lawyer asked, "How
do you get out to the
sailboat?"
"Good question." The salesman told
him. =93You can get a small
raft and paddle out to the boat, or you
can just walk out to the boat,
if you don't mind getting wet.=93
"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. . . .
"It's Row vs Wade."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 12:56:45 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: If Abbie was a man <Adult, sex content & MCP. Long, too>
(Forwarded by Max Blumberg)
Dear Abbie:
Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm
afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been
proven to increase with the number of sexual partners.
Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really
increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove
his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable,
a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get
back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his
stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't
mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex
with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get
enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your
sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the
family together. Why not some cousins involved? If you are
still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy
him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal
and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex
with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep
your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly,
a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with
him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a
man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank
him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you
must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the
family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while
doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your
selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and
cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -
we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he
needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard
work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop
putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30
seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on
by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter
the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying
a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that
you do not love your man as much as you should - he has
to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in
this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice
expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit.
Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by
buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook
him a delicious meal.
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