Digest for Wednesday, February 03, 1999
There are 15 messages totalling 633 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Around the World
- Marital Strategies (adult, language, off. to both men and women)
- Business
- Fan application (Part 2 of 2)
- Politically Correct Terms
- How Can You Tell...?
- Things Youll Hear Only in the South...
- Old Sea Captain
- Crazy English
- FAKE AIRLINE TICKETS StorYYY
- Weird Business News #12 (2nd of 3)
- You Know Youre From Maine When...
- The End (Pun)
- New Sony Operating System
- Bumper Stickers seen around greater DC
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 04:47:19 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Around the World
* I really have some serious doubts about the soccer players I've
seen in Brazil. Each team seems to have dozens of beautiful
cheerleaders; yet when they score a goal, they hug each other.
- - - - -
* According to the latest surveys, English is now the most popular
language on the Internet. Now if someone would just inform those
damn hardheads in Quebec, Ontario and France.
- - - - -
* During a recent meeting with UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan,
Saddam Hussein said, "I almost got killed twice last week."
The Secretary-General murmured under his breath, "Once would
have been plenty."
- - - - -
* A man is struck in the head by a rock during a demonstration
in Israel. A woman rushes over, kneels down & places his head
in her lap. "Are you comfortable ?" she asks.
"Oh, I do OK." he replied. "Some part time work here & there
and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
- - - - -
* I've heard that Australian football is a lot ruffer than the
American version, but never believed it until I witnessed a
game first hand.
In the first half, I saw 3 broken arms, half a dozen sprains,
and at least 4 broken noses -- & that was just the cheerleaders.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
(text) www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
(zip) www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 11:59:41 0200
From: Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Marital Strategies (adult, language, off. to both men and women)
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a
shotgun. "Open the goddamn
safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank," she replies. "We don't
have any money. This is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the goddamn safe or I'll blow your
head off," says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the
guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it!" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out
another one and drink it too," he demands. She
takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the
girl's amazement it's her husband. "There," he
says, "it's not that fucking difficult is it!?!"
--
Leo Heler
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 12:47:04 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Business <may be off. to Jews and Catholics>
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City.
One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are
holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift
their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop
money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the
hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the
man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches &
then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the
star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realise that
this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any
contributions in this country holding a Star of David." The
man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross
and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to
tell us how to run our business!"
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 06:23:03 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Fan application (Part 2 of 2)
7. I can count to:
___10.
___20 If I take me boots off.
___21 If I'm neked!
8. I bought part of the "Frozen Tundra":
___Yes.
___ No... but I wish I woulda.
9. Favorite Reading:
___Fishin' Facts.
___Beer bottle labels.
___Guns and Ammo.
___Today's Mercenary.
___Polka Digest.
10. Things in my front yard:
___Various kitchen appliances.
___Car on blocks.
___Transmissions.
___Deer hanging from tree limb ( in season).
___Deer hanging from tree limb ( out of season).
___John Deere Lawn Tractor.
11. I mostly wear:
___Polyester pants w/ snags.
___Polyester pants w/ holes.
___Green Bay belt Buckle.
12. My favorite colors are:
___Green.
___Gold.
___I'm color blind.....except when I got me beer goggles on!!
13. The most memorable event I ever attended was:
___Minoqua Moose Call competition.
___Omega Outboard motor repair finals.
___Lake Tomahawk Crew cut championships.
14. Favorite entertainment:
___Fishin' while drinkin'.
___Snowmobilin' while drinkin'.
___Watching Green Acres while drinkin'.
15. Pick one:
___ Someone is helping me read this.
___ Someone is reading this for me.
16. Favorite phraze:
___ "Gollee jee."
___ "Ya d-o-n't seh?" ("You don't say?")
___ "Ya betcha."
___ "Okee-dohkee."
(Thanks to Bill Paulick)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 07:04:41 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Politically Correct Terms
* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage
Facility.
* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks
Perfection.
* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative
Destinations.
* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
* You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation
Exchange.
* He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
* His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
* He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
* You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
* He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential
Relationships.
* He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
* He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial
Inversion.
* He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.
* He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset
Infusion.
* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
* He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
* He is not from Maryland; he's simply from somewhere.
* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
* He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
* He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
* He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
* You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective
Pornographic Moment.
* He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 08:08:01 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: How Can You Tell...? <adult>
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding
that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who
could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting
in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment
from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way is by the size of his feet," counseled
the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the
streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an
unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her
eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and
then took him back to her apartment for an evening of reckless
abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning the woman had
already gone, but by the bedside table was a $50 bill and a
note that read, "With my compliments... please take this money
and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
****************************************************************
Confucious say:
"Woman who limp not so bad shape as man who limp."
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 09:06:47 EST
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Things You'll Hear Only in the South...
Things You'll Hear Only in the South...
Exclamations...
"Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats...
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments...
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
The Weather...
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot "
Descriptions...
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
He ran "like his feet was on fire and his ass was a-catchin"
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble
floor."
Insults...
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said
'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
(any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart)
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 09:21:39 -0500
From: Artic <artic4life@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Old Sea Captain <adult theme>
After 90 days at sea, a salty old sea captain decides to go into town to
get some pussy. After hours of cruising and drinking, he decides to fuck
a hooker.
He's really slaming his cock hard into her cunt and asks "How's my
fucking?".
To which, the hooker replies, "You're doing 3 nots".
The Captain exclaims "3 FUCKING NOTS!"
She replies, "One, it's not hard! Two, it's not in yet! And three,
you're not getting your money back!".
Artic <*)))><
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 11:15:11 -0500
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Crazy English
A friend of mine put my English message through a "translation page"
(wanna buy the Brooklyn Bridge, buddy?) on the web and THIS is, in
English, what was "translated" for him in French:
Ha! If you are go to be cute or reasonable, never occupy yourself.
Thanks for the response, but my car were unforeseenly and miraculously
ready at 1 p.m. and the people offered for to tote me. Thus, I have the
car already and have even executed all my track events in all the city.
Thanks for to come back with me, however.
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 13:22:52 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: FAKE AIRLINE TICKETS StorYYY
DETECTIVES FROM THE AIRLINE FRAUD
DIVISION OF THE LOS ANGELES POLICE
DEPARTMENT REPORT AN ALARMING
RISE IN THE SALE OF FAKE AND STOLEN
AIRLINE TICKETS TO HAPLESS
TRAVELERS
SEEKING A HOLIDAY BARGAIN:
As a goodwill gesture, foreign air
passengers stranded in Hollywood
with a forged ticket are
given a free bus ride to a movie set that
most closely resembles the city they had
hoped to visit.
source:
Funny Side Up -
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 14:50:35 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #12 (2nd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ski suit
In Santa Ana, Calif., an appeals court ruled that a skier who was
paralyzed after he collided with the steel post that supported a sign
saying "Be Aware -- Ski With Care" may sue the resort that erected the
sign.
The winner of the Fourth Annual American Express Most Outrageous Gift
Search was the Do-It-Yourself Mink Coat Kit, which included a mink trap,
skinner's knife, pelt stretcher, needle and thread. Runners-up included a
jar of navel lint, a dead cat's ashes, a gift certificate to an
out-of-business restaurant and a voodoo doll complete with needles and
instructions.
Our Run For The Hills, The Lawyers Have Landed Award to a lawsuit filed
against the publisher of the Beardstown Ladies Common-Sense Investment
Guide, which seeks damages because the 1995 book exaggerated the profits of
the club of elderly women investors by adding contributions by its members
into its total investment gains. The lawsuit, which seeks class-action
status, claims the publisher should have known of the inflated figures.
The All The News That's Not Fit To Print Award to a former employee of the
Gwinnett Daily Post in Georgia who was sentenced to three months in prison
and fined $2,800 for offering to sell confidential business information
about the newspaper to the rival Atlanta Journal-Constitution -- which
alerted authorities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 17:27:26 -0500
From: Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: You Know You're From Maine When...
Thanks to Jim Smith
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MAINE WHEN:
You only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet
above the ground.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with
snow.
You think everyone from the city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8
buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4
page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl
on your deck.
The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
There is only one shopping plaza in town.
The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry
and your Sorrels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
You know the 4 seasons are: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and
Blackflies.
The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern
friends.
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 15:13:29 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The End (Pun)
I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?"
two of the people got rather worked up.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be
doing is . . . making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized
bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing . . . is
making a fuel of yourself!"
(By Amar Chitambar in The Pundit)
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Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 10:21:39 -0800
From: Fong, Dara <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: New Sony Operating System <pt 2. - not offensive>
More examples of Sony's new error messages:
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind.
Both are blank.
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Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 20:09:56 -0800
From: Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Bumper Stickers seen around greater DC
Sent from a friend in DC.
>Here is what we've seen:
>
>HONK! If you had sex with the President
>Clinton: We forgive you- now resign
>Al Gore: One Heartthrob from the Presidency
>Adultery is not a family value
>One More Whore and We Get Gore
>Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
>My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
>Jail the Chief
>Today's kids no longer play doctor, they play President
>The Clinton Creed - take Credit, Not Responsibility
>If his private life does not matter, let him date your daughter
>Save the President -Legalize Perjury
--
Susan Birkenseer
Sue@CircusPrepress.com
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