Digest for Tuesday, March 02, 1999
There are 13 messages totalling 541 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Paranoids in CyberSpace
- A matter of giving
- Furniture Shopping
- Top 22 Signs Youve Had Too Much Of the 90s
- Legal Expense Fund
- small TOWNS
- Rats!
- Weird Business News #13 (1st of 3)
- Y zero K
- The Tree Surgeon (Pun)
- How to Date: Virgo
- Rainbows End
- Chinese lesson
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 03:20:11 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Paranoids in CyberSpace
Seems anyone with a computer and a modem can hatch a wacky theory
and post it on the Net. Consider some of the following...
* Is Clinton a pawn who's outlived his usefulness ? According to
Conspiracy Nation and Rumor Mill News he is. Clinton's even
supposed to have been a spy during his Oxford Days.
- - - - -
* A cabal of the rich and powerful are plotting a New World Order
and Clinton's impeachment was either designed by them or warring
factions within the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency).
- - - - -
* Chief Justice William Rehniquist's stripped robe was a sign that
the Senate Trial was a clandestine military court-martial to
try Clinton for unstated war crimes.
- - - - -
* Hillary Clinton along with Linda Tripp, Lucianne Goldberg, Monica
Lewinsky, Sect of State Madeline Albright and poet Maya Angelou
are part of a Feminist Network seeking to control the government.
- - - - -
* Clinton is to declare a State of Emergency during a real or faked
natural disaster (such as Y2K), invoke Martial Law and declare
himself President for life.
- - - - -
* Both computer monitors and TVs are emitting "orgone rays" (a mind
controlling wave, previously thought debunked). Your only defense
is the old stand-by aluminum foil helmet.
- - - - -
* Fluoride manipulated American minds to see the Clinton scandal as
only about sex and thus miss the real implications involving the
CIA & Incan extraterrestrial religious sects to control the world.
- - - - -
* Clinton is a communist seeking to weaken the US. Proof is offered
by his deals with China and Russia as well as the Justice Dept's
attempts to bring down MicroSoft.
Source: Eric Lipton
Chicago Tribune
(No URL's were given in the article)
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 10:29:41 +0200
From: Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: A matter of giving <off. to jews>
Isaac goes out for a swim in the pond. But he's not such a good swimmer
and somehow he misjudges the depth; so he finds himself in the middle of
the pond without being able to touch the bottom and panics.
"Help! Help!" he starts screaming.
The local fisherman rows his boat to Isaac and shouts:
"Give me your hand!"
"I give you NOTHING!" says Isaac, and drowns.
--- Felix
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 06:18:39 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Furniture Shopping
An elderly gentleman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a
young salesperson. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" she
asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa," the old gent replied.
"You mean a sectional sofa," she suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional," he bitterly retorted. "All I want is an
occasional
piece in the living room!"
(Thanks to Martin Dubno)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 07:05:01 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much Of the 90's
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your
bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom
breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital
gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the
products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve
their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to
work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a
living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a
project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your
next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday
night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his
ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 08:37:16 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Legal Expense Fund
Give to the President's
LEGAL EXPENSE FUND!
"Please feel MY pain!"
-- WJC
I don't condone his behavior.
[ ] Put me down for $25.
Yes, I want to be an Enabler.
[ ] I'll pony up $50.
He's never assaulted ME!
[ ] I'll gladly give $75.
What Republicans *might* do
is far worse than anything the
President has *ever* done.
[ ] Here's my $100 contribution.
He's the most moral President
we've ever had from the waist up.
[ ] Please accept my $500 with pride.
Hollywood loves him, and Hollywood
knows what's good for us... right?
[ ] I'm kicking in $10,000.
-- HiTcH
Worcester (MA) Telegram
*************************************
Leaders go down in history...
Some farther down than others.
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 12:44:40 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: small TOWNS
The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or
lived in one,
the following will illustrate pretty much what
life's like there.
My hometown was so small...
* the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill
* long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
* the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight
* in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
* instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
* you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
* during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
* the local Motel 6 sleeps six
* during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
* the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
* the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper
* we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up
* the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik
* before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home
* there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns
Credit to : Nutty Humor
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 19:01:26 GMT
From: Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Rats!
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and
unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra
thousand for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze
rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two
live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every
time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the
time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels,
and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon
breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements,
vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at
the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now
not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to
the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with
with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay
with the other, as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into
the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture
of a lawyer "
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel <catweasel@catweasel.org>
http://www.catweasel.org
Today's assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 13:18:13 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #13 (1st of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WELCOME to a new month and an old subject -- Weird Business News.
A Sign of the Times, submitted by reader Mark Arnold. From a muffler shop
at Fondren and Westpark in Houston. "Your car has the right to remain
silent."
Our Consummating the Deal Award to Michael Waldau. His company got a
letter from Israel that began, "After more than a year, since we mate in
Houston, I'm happy to have another opportunity to do together with you ...
"
Our Don't Tell Greenpeace Award to China, which has instituted the death
sentence for developers who violate zoning laws.
Best Company Name to New Pig Corp. of Tipton, Pa., which supplies cleaning
and maintenance products to industry.
Second Best Company Name to Pervasive Software of Washington, D.C.
Our The Judge Should Have Known He Would Lose Award to ABC Television. An
appeals court agreed the network did not defame a San Francisco judge it
said used a crystal ball to buttress his legal rulings.
Our Please Lord, Let the Millennium Be Over Award to the University of
Houston College of Optometry for the following press release headline:
"Optometric Educators Expect New Ways of Doing Business During the New
Millennium."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 16:58:12 -0500
From: Aditya, the ]-[indu $kepti <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Y zero K
While browsing through material in the recesses of the Roman Section
of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered
bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a
letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium,"
or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough,
2 BC, December 3 -- about 2,000 years ago. The text of the message
follows:
"Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? The change from BC to
AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time
left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way
around. Having been working happily downward forever, now we have to
start thinking upward.
You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left
it to us to sort it all out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't
done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he
could see why Brutus had turned nasty. We called in the consulting
astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC
won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing
useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing
upward. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who
have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive
until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment
of transition.
We're continuing to work on the Y zero K problem and I'll send you a
parchment if anything develops.
Best regards, Plutonius"
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 19:04:22 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Tree Surgeon (Pun)
We have a tree in our yard, terribly bothered by blight. We sought
professional help and had a tree surgeon come and look at it. In his
assessment, he noted that the blight was bad, but he was even more
concerned with the deep cracks in the bark,
In fact, he said, ... This tree s bark is worse than its blight.
(By Barry Bates)
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Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 09:30:23 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to Date: Virgo <clean>
August 23-September 23 - Virgo
How To Date A Virgo Female
If you are dating a Virgo female, be on time when you arrive in your
Mercedes to take her out for health food. Borrow the car if you have to.
Do not pick her up in your unwashed car, with the baby car carrier.
She isn't interested in ready made families.
Wear the latest in fashion, and above all, have a manicure. Virgo females
notice everything!
Have a degree, be a professional, know everyone who is anyone. Exude
confidence. Stay away from the bar where you were 86'd!
Do not have other girlfriends.
Virgo females are shy and sometimes aloof. That does not mean they don't
like you. It takes several dates for them to decide if they want you.
They are neat freaks, and don't want to pick up after you. Be toilet
trained! If you tell her you are going to do something at 6 pm, then do it.
Virgo females can drop you for little things like that.
Don't quit trying, if you care about her. They only love a handful of
men, and you won't have any competition. Just be real! Quality is
important to female Virgos.
Virgo females are usually career minded, but they will marry.
How To Date A Virgo Male
If you are dating a Virgo male, go slowly. They hate to make mistakes.
He will take you out to nice clean respectable establishments, and go to
the movies with you. He does not go out dancing or rabble rousing with
the guys.
He is a solitary person, whose social group is small. Virgo males are
inclined to computers, and the geeky stuff. However, he could balance your
checkbook for you. Do not dress like a slut. Be chic! Have no children from
previous marriages. Don't be too talkative. He shies away from party
animals. He wants to date someone with a purpose in life.
Be interesting, and invite him to your workplace. He can visualize his name
hyphenated after yours on the nameplate on your desk.
Virgo men can be workaholics, that way they can avoid "nooners".
Virgo males are not usually sexually promiscuous. Sex won't happen
until you push for it, but be sure to have your STD test results handy.
He will marry you in time, lots of time, be patient.
Your Virgo male won't divorce you, once in love, it's for keeps!
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 20:11:13 -0800
From: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Rainbow's End
RAINBOW'S END
Madison Park resident Wayne Wilson paused to admire a spectacular
rainbow Wednesday evening. As he walked toward Lake Washington, he
noticed the rainbow's end was exactly where it ought to be -- directly
over Bill and Melinda Gates' home.
Jean Godden, February 26, 1999
Copyright ) 1999 Seattle Times Company <http://www.seattletimes.com/>
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Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 00:23:12 -0500
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Chinese lesson <insensitive to Chinese>
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
English phrase ------------ Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. --Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man --Dum Gai
Small Horse --Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!! --No Bai Dam Ding!!
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table --Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift --Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here --Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? --Hao Long Wei Ting?
I thought you were on a diet --Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? --Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright --Yu So Dum
I got this for free --Ai No Pei
I am not seeing another woman! --Wai Shu Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. --Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week --Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile --Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive -- Yu stin ki pu
Pew! does this bathroom stink! -- Hu Flung Dung?
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