Digest for Friday, March 05, 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 581 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Married Men
- Nicknames
- Different Philosophies
- Young Fellow From Sparta
- Lonely EVE
- This week in the Social Sciences (Its just HUMOR, no more threats, please!)
- ;-D Crazy Times Virus Alert ;-D
- The History of Banking (Pun)
- Its a Wacky World! #59
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Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 03:20:27 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Married Men
* I'm not saying he's "hen-pecked", but...
He's still taking orders from his first wife
- - - - -
* Men get out of marriage what they put into it;
Well, minus taxes, of course.
- - - - -
* There was a diplomat who celebrated his 50th anniversary;
He referred to it as 30 years of war and 20 of detente.
- - - - -
* Happily married men have a woman who cooks, lives to make
love and works. If he's lucky, the three will never meet.
- - - - -
* Some married men prefer very large families...
They like to lose themselves in the crowd.
- - - - -
* The only married men who half understand their wives are
psychiatrists or in desperate need of one.
- - - - -
* One married guy has a fantasy -- he wants to watch 2 women:
one cleaning and the other one cooking.
- - - - -
* Mad at Hillary, Clinton said, "Don't you wish you were a man?"
Hillary looked him up and down and sneered, "Don't you ?"
- - - - -
* Speaking of Clinton (I was) he's the laziest husband ever !
The man won't even exercise discretion.
* Then there was the guy who met his wife at a single's bar...
It was quite a scene, he thought she was home with the kids.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 06:06:29 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Nicknames <adult>
These three women were sitting around one night talking about their
boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based
on kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is
as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has seven
inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'.
The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 07:05:41 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Different Philosophies
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of
the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
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Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 10:08:11 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Young Fellow From Sparta <adult, olfactorily off.>
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
(via Swiggy)
***************************************************
I'm on a 30-day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.
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Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 14:14:48 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Lonely EVE
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord,
I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but
I'm just not happy."
Why is that, Eve?", comes the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a
man for
you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive
tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly.
All in all he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and
faster
and more muscular than you, he'll be really good at
fighting and kicking a
ball about and hunting fleet footed ruminants, and not
altogether bad in
the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised
eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick.
But you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 17:13:38 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: This week in the Social Sciences (It's just HUMOR, no more threats,
please!)
Feb. 28 Segmentation is Destiny, Segmentation Defines the Polity
Grab a handful of variables, dump them into a clustering algorithm, mix well
and market segments will emerge. If you want to market to targeted groups, ya
gotta segment. Elsewise, you might try to sell refrigerators to Inuits.
Now some researchers are using segmentation to define political
subcultures. According to Paul H. Ray, we now have three distinct subcultures
based
on different value dimensions and ignoring stodgy old variables like race,
economic
class, ethnicity and religion. The three segments are: (1) "Heartlanders"
(think
Moral Majority but they're only 29% ); (2) Modernists (47%) who are
materialistic,
politically cynical and, no slaves to consistency, religiously "orthodox;" and
(3) Cultural Creatives (24%) who adhere to social activism, the sacredness of
nature
and "feminist values in the workplace."
Best of all, according to Ray, instead of a "collapse of morality" this
represents
the rise of "multiple sets of values." "We have more moral values rattling
around than
at any time in or history."
Keep your eyes open for deep discounts and a possible clearance sale by
"Heartlanders."
Source: Jim Nisbett, Newhouse News Service
****************
Mar. 1 10 to 1 There'll Be A Bruhaha Over This
Studying "compulsive," "pathological," or "addicted" gamblers may well
be the new growth area of the social sciences. The Chronicle of Higher Ed
reports
that researchers are looking at genes, brain chemistry, or defective cognitive
processing
to explain these gamblers and the researchers are getting their money from
casino owners!
Consider the cognitive angle: compulsive gamblers believe that, if they've lost
5 roulette wheel spins in a row, their chances will improve on the next spin.
Just think
of the rich array of experiments one could devise to model such thinking!
Critics say that the gambling interests want scientists to focus on The
Addicted
(some 2%) rather than the broad societal cost of gambling. It's much better for
casinos
to have 50,000 of us each lose $50 than to have one of us lose $2,500,000,
especially
if the 50,001th person goes home with $60 and stories about how easy it is to
win
against the house.
Image is most important! When researchers in San Diego published a study
connecting elevated suicide rates with big gambling towns like Vegas and Reno,
the
American Gaming Association hired researchers from Irvine (California) to
reevaluate
the date and (surprise, surprise) find no correlation.
Can't you just hear all those impoverished sociologists out there, the ones
teaching intro classes at three different junior colleges at a time, smacking
their lips
in anticipation of all this money.
source: David L. Wheeler, Chronicle of Higher Ed March 5, 1999
****************
Mar. 3 In Loco Parentis, Revivified --Sorta
Talk about retro! Curfews, dress codes, house-mothers and adult supervised
are coming back to college campuses in the US. All of these institutions were
swept
away in the turmoil of the Sixties when college students rebelled against the
idea that
their colleges should act "in place of parents." Todays students are asking to
be parented
and colleges are vying with one another as providers of warm fuzzies to their
peri-pubescent customers.
David Wheeler reports that Princeton has banned its annual Nude Olympics
and Penn State "has opened an alcohol-free, adult-supervised student center."
Evidently
colleges do draw the line at becoming match-makers. The Dean of Harvard College
recently wrote a guest column in the school paper "taking exception to the
editors'
suggestion that Harvard involve itself more closely in fostering student
interpersonal
relations."
Why the revival? Why now? Wheeler points out that "many parents are
former students {Ie. from the Sixties} who worry that their children will repeat
their
wild college years... ." Then there is the problem of lawsuits. It hasn't
happened yet,
but I bet a good many college presidents have nightmares about being named as
co-
defendants in paternity suits. Finally, there is the matter of "consumer
values." Wheeler writes: "Students and their parents are demanding better
living
quarters, better food, better safety and better service for their tuition."
After all,
how can colleges expect their students to learn Plato if they can't get a choice
of
three entrees, a salad bar and a vegan menu at the cafeteria?
Source: The New York Times
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Assembled and compiled by Jim Mica, who has a Master's in the
social sciences, knows a clustering algorithm or two and is
NOT afraid to use them.
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Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 20:34:47 -0500
From: Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: ;-D Crazy Times Virus Alert ;-D <Clean>
I don't know who the author is but this has been around for quite some time...
(in various forms)
Worth posting again...haven't seen it for a while...Thanks Judie
==============================================================================
***-- VIRUS WARNING from MeMail.com --***
Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this
one is extremely serious. Please read very carefully and
take care!
If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it
immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty
nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking
on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings
so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your
mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and
bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate
behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind
your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa
card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a
way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.
If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with
whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume,
causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
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Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 17:58:07 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The History of Banking (Pun)
We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank. While there has
been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a
relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually considered the man
who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid
of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of
King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to
finance this new experiment in banking. So really, ... credit should
go to a Czech king, a count and Cache. (By Stan Kegel)
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Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 20:32:43 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Its a Wacky World! #59
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man Sentenced For Stealing Smelly Shoes
SINGAPORE (Reuters) - A man who stole smelly shoes because he was addicted
to their odor was sentenced to 25 weeks in jail by a Singapore court, the
Straits Times newspaper reported Friday.
Truck driver Zainal Mohamed Esa, 43, did not steal the shoes to sell, but
out of a ``burning desire, akin to that of a drug addict, to sniff used
pairs of shoes,'' his lawyer Rai RatanKumar was quoted as saying.
Zainal, whose obsession was a psychological need, said his lawyer, kept the
shoes until the smell waned and then gave them to the Salvation Army or
tried to return them to their owners.
Police got on the scent of the shoe thief after a tip-off from a resident
living near the site of the thefts.
Zainal had 40 pairs of shoes when he was caught last November. In January
the policecaught him again with 28 pairs.
He pleaded guilty to two counts of theft and two counts of fraudulent
possession and is out on bail until his sentence starts on April 1.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a punch line in this story somewhere. Perhaps someone will find
it and tell us what it is. ----- Ken
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