Digest for Friday, April 02, 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 298 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Yuppie Encounters
- It Was A Tall Task....
- The Wit of Stephen Wright
- In Memory of Odie the duck 3-30/4/02/99
- Holiday Greetings (Puns)
- The Entertainment of Pysicists
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 05:01:04 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Yuppie Encounters
* It's easy to estimate your bill at any of the Yuppie hotels in
Columbia Maryland. Just think of the highest amount you can
possibly imagine, then add 35 per cent.
- - - - -
* Arriving at an upscale hotel in Columbia, the traveler said to
the desk clerk, "I'll have the hundred dollar suite my good man."
The clerk reached under the counter and handed the man a large
candy bar.
- - - - -
* At the same hotel, one guest was telling another that he was
astonished to find a seven-piece orchestra in the men's room.
"Exactly." replied his fellow guest. "I should think a pianist
and a violinist would be more than sufficient."
- - - - -
* I seldom donate to door-to-door solicitors, choosing instead
voluntary payroll deductions to a central charity. Rather than
explain all this, I try to discourage the collectors.
One evening a Yuppette knocked on my door and said, "Hello,
I'm Myra from Meals on Wheels."
I replied, "Great !!! You got here just in time. I'm hungry
as hell."
- - - - -
* My neighbor, Babette, delights in Yuppie bashing as much as
I do. At a party in Columbia Maryland recently, one Yuppette
was holding court about the "Upstart Westerners" (those of us
who live in the western portion of Howard County).
When the Yuppette noticed Babette intently listening, she
stopped in mid-sentence.
Babette smiling graciously said, "That's OK darlin' rave-on.
After all, you only have eight more lives to live."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1996-1999:
(text) http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
(zip) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
UGA Message Board:
http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
UGA Yahoo Club:
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ugahumorlist
To subscribe:
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 06:09:06 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: It Was A Tall Task....<adult>
A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging
away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her," says
the mouse, "I fancy that!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.
So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her.
Within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.
The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The
mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up
onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell
happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after
that? Was she all right?"
The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me
back to her place to spend the night."
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.
"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must
have run a thousand miles!"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 09:33:51 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Wit of Stephen Wright
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live
there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone. I said, "The whole time."
8. So what's the speed of dark?
9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has
been dissing them anyhow?
10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT
of the water?
11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
are furious.
14. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
18. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
21. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
24. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
25. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
26. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
27. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
28. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
29. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
is expanding, what is it expanding into?
30. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
31. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
32. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
other trees make fun of it?
33. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
34. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It
sounds like a near hit to me!!
35. Do fish get cramps after eating?
36. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
37. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
38. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
39. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
40. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
41. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
it's not a door?
42. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
43. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
44. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?
45. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but
dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
46. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
47. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
48. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
49. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
50. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
51. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
52. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
53. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
54. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
55. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
56. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
57. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM
longer?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 10:45:17 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: In Memory of Odie the duck 3-30/4/02/99
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who
went duck hunting?
A: He didn't get any because he couldn't
throw the dog high enough.
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 09:40:37 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Holiday Greetings (Puns)
Easter
I hope everyone is having a GOOD FRIDAY. I know it DOZEN EGGSactly
feel like a holiday if you have to get up and go to work at the CRACK
of dawn ALBUMEN week but I hope you don't feel too CROSS. Of CORPUS we
COTTONTAIL it at the time, but after he DYED, Jesus became one of the
great HE ROSE of our civilization. He promised that he SHELL come
again and even today, EASTERS our souls with his inSPRING message.
Even if you've never PARADE in church before, you can always depend a
BONNET being a holiday you won't want to PASSOVER. Let's all BASKET
his glory for at least a FLOWER or two. (By Gary Hallock)
Passover
After eight days of eating matzoth for Passover, it feels more like
UNLEAVENED or twelve days. I stopped a fellow on the street and asked
him, "SEDER, do you know the meaning of this holiday?" He said he did,
MAWROR less: "Isn't that the spring holiday that celebrates how
CHAROSETH three days after dying?" "Wrong religion!" I retorted. "You
don't have to CHALLAH!" he complained. "Challah isn't Pesadich," I
laughed. "Of KOSHER right," he acknowledged. Then he apologized for
cutting me short but said his cousin Effie was on her way to his house
and he didn't want to miss her. "Of course--you have to leave with
EFFIE COMIN' over." "Sorry but HAGGADAH go," he repeated, and left.
(By Cynthia MacGregor)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 1999 12:58:51 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Entertainment of Pysicists
This won't make it into US or PEOPLE, but you're seeing it right
here at HUMOR!
The Chronicle of Higher Education (April 2 issue) says that
the American Physical Society met in Atlanta Georgia (U.S.A) last
week. According to Kim McDonald's article, the physicists were
out to show people that "the practitioners of their discipline are
not necessarily the nerdy, quirky, stuffy, somewhat elitist academics"
folks expect them to be.
Along with sessions about "Bose-Einstein condensation" (if you get
this on the inside of your car windows you're in trouble!) and
"quark-gluon interactions" (don't ask...) there was a "Cosmic Cabaret."
The star of this Cabaret was the "Physics Chanteuse," Lynda Williams
of San Francisco State. McDonald reports: "the former go-go dancer
turned physics teacher has been playing to packed houses at science
conferences in betwen her teaching duties for the past two years."
Ms Williams wowed her non-nerdy, non-quirky, non-stuffy and un-elitist
audience with songs like the following parody of Madonna's "Material
Girl":
Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think they're passe
if they can't talk about quantum theory
I just walk away.
I like geeks, and I like nerds
at least they see the light.
'Cause it excites my mind.
We are living in a high-tech world
and I am a high-tech girl.
You know that we are living in a
high-tech world
and I am a high-tech girl.
Ms. Williams said that she was thrilled to play the APS gig because
she didn't have to "explain anything." She does concede, however, that
"Physicists are the toughest audience." On her rating scale geologists
are "the true party animals, followed by astronomers, then physicists."
Her next gig is with the astronomers, but she looks forward to really
rocking with geologists: Pangia may be reunited.
--
Jim Mica (No, I DID pass baby-physics in college.)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index