Digest for Saturday, April 03, 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 471 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Gone Fishin
- Miracle (Off. to the religious)
- Ring ring...
- Annoying Things
- Listen to the Word! (offensive to the religious)
- PUNY Riddles
- WAZ UP DOC?
- Daylight Savings Time
- Possibly funny comments & questions about contemporary life
- 5 Stages of Drunkenness (old but still good)
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 04:43:35 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Gone Fishin'
* A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was
larger & heavier than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed
he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so Rockfish.
The buddy eyed the Marlin & said, "Only caught the one, huh ?"
- - - - -
* My one neighbor Van is a true sport fisherman. He said once
he caught a Great White Shark. Never having seen it on display
in his home, I asked what happened to it.
He sighed and replied, "Well, it was too small to keep, so me
and three other guys threw it back in."
- - - - -
* George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after
fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took
of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
George replied, "Well... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight
during three hours of fighting."
- - - - -
* With the advent of Spring in the US, a lot of avid fishermen
are already out there trying their luck. My sister-in-law's
husband is probably one of the most rabid around.
Returning from a day of fishing near the Chesapeake Bay Bridge
I asked him if they were biting. He replied, "Were they ??? I
had to lay down in the boat just to bait my hook !"
- - - - -
* The Yuppette had never in her life been fishing, but wanted to
show her rich beau she was a good sport. After about an hour or
so aboard his yacht, she quietly said, "How much does that lil'
red and white thingee cost ?"
"The float ?" he asked. "Probably less than a dollar, I guess.
Why do you ask ?"
"Well, guess I owe you a dollar then." she replied. "Mine just
sank."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 14:02:19 +0200
From: Csongor Janos <jccbtr@ELENDER.HU>
Subject: Miracle (Off. to the religious)
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant =
and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the =
time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a =
prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what =
we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him =
and tell him it was a miracle."=20
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.=20
"It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then =
operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and =
says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."=20
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"=20
"You gave birth to a child."=20
"But that's impossible!"=20
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's =
your baby."=20
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son =
the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something =
to tell you. I'm not your father."=20
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"=20
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."=20
=20
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 08:02:35 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Ring ring... <could be offensive to the deeply religious>
God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.
God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a catholic
Minister?
Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a Confirmation, so it must have been a
priest.
God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services(c)?
Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at
Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.
God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted
your faith?
Sinner: Not that I can think of..
God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from
Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet). Have your Ears
downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?
Sinner: Well I did listed to a bum on the street that said that God was
asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of
hell.
God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith,
you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you
Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without
God: There is no hell, thus the paradox.
Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?
God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible(TM)
and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the
passages about Judas.ini (c). you can also find some help in the Psalms
100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a
complete lack of Faith.
Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted
again?
God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose,
Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and Netscape Hereafter
Browser(TM). If you use these products and not download data from know
corrupting sources, you should be fine.
Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot, I
should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.
God: Go in Peace(TM) my son.
Ring ring...
God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish(TM)...
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 09:09:21 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Annoying Things
Doesn't It Annoy You When...
...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is
nowhere to be found?
...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then
everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive
10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription
cards keep falling out?
...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway,
like it'll magically open for them and not you.
...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on
telling it for another 15 minutes.
...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells
you to try some.
...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that
you're just looking around.
...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after
you put food in your mouth.
...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a
pressure reading.
...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has
dead batteries.
...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check
or uses a credit card.
...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't,
your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 10:39:53 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Listen to the Word! (offensive to the religious)
A large billboard at an intersection near me has carried this message
for the past week:
Don't make me come down there!
- God
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 10:45:12 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles
146. By night, three violinists played in the symphony orchestra.
During the day, to make a little money on the side, they used their
musical talents by roving the city streets and having impromptu
concerts wherever they thought they could make some money from the
passersby. They called their act:
147. Fishermen trying to catch a certain fish that s popularly sold in small
chunks in jars in a sharp sauce were mortified to discover that they had
instead entrapped a large number of birds frequently found near the
water. Nonetheless they processed their catch and sold the results
under an almost- familiar name. What was it?
148. What inverted clichi describes someone who couldn't get drunk
because the liquor had been diluted?
149. What entertainer came from a small closely knit family?
150. What do you call a pedicurist who's repeatedly nailed for shoplifting?
Movie of the Week: 5. Remember the dismay of the Baseball official who
thought he could make it as a player,
Book of the Week: 3. Doyle s biography of the founders of the Schlage Company.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
146. A random act of violins (By Tiff Wimberly)
147. Pickled Heron (By Cynthia MacGregor)
148. The (F)lush was swilling but the spirit was weak. (By Lars
Hanson)
149. Mini Purl (By Stan Kegel)
150. A Clip-Toe Maniac (By Gary Hallock)
Movie of the Week: "The Umpire Strikes Out" (By Clynch Varnadore)
Book of the Week: The Inventors of Sure Lock Homes (By Stan Kegel)
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 13:27:04 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: WAZ UP DOC?
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai
Hospital?
Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information
about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or
doing
like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom,
from A
to Z."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line,
please,
that's a very unusual request."
Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who
is
calling about one of the patients?"
She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah
Finkel,
in Room 302." He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see.
Feinberg, Farber ---
Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two
full
meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going
to
send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve
o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I
take it you must be
one of the close family."
She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me
nothing!"
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 21:00:56 -0500
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Daylight Savings Time
It's time for the annual reminder about DST:
Remember, when you go to bed tonight, to set your clocks AHEAD
one hour.
If you're a Republican, set your clocks BACK forty years!
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 23:04:10 EST
From: Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Possibly funny comments & questions about contemporary life
It is true: You do catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But
those strips you get from the hardware store work best of all.
I have found a new way to keep house. When I take off my glasses, all
the dust disappears.
Do they call the cops in Peachtree City the Peach Fuzz?
Yes, in Peachtree City, we call the police Peach Fuzz, and we also
used to have a landfill we called the Peach Pit.
Some people have a way with words. Some people _ ugh _ don't. The
proper way to shove your beliefs down somebody's throat is to
contribute large sums to political campaigns.
My 3-year-old said red VWs need to have black spots because then they
look like lady bugs.
Perhaps the road rage generation of the 90s is a result of the me
first generation of the 60s.
Drive as if every other driver is carrying a gun. It might be me, and
I do.
Defining our society is real easy these days: Those who want something
and those who oppose something.
People who say "I don't want to be any trouble" usually are?
A friend asked if I was going to run in the Peachtree and I said I was
until they sent me my number 911.
Isn't it marvelous how hospital food can be made to look almost real.
My sweetie commented that I am always right. I told him no, not always
- once I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.
I learn more news by watching Jay Leno's monologue than I do by
watching the local news stations.
My child is so bad at school that I have to come to PTA meetings under
an assumed name.
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/thevent
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Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1999 22:20:23 -0600
From: Christopher Schulte <christopher@SCHULTE.ORG>
Subject: 5 Stages of Drunkenness (old but still good)
5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for
an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire
bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing
they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Keep in mind that you are
still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of
money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage,because
of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will
win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are
RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you
are also the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can
hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have
no fear of losing this battle, because you're SMART, you're RICH and Hell,
you're better looking than them anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything,
because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people
whom you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk
through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see
or hear you - and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.
Some funny files are available at:
http://www.schulte.org/html/stupidfiles.html
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