Digest for Sunday, May 02, 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 253 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Baseball vs. Football (Part 1 of 2)
- Clinton/Falwell (mature)
- Comic comments about contemporary life
- Church bulletin bloopers
- Humor - Wierd Business News #14 (Part 1 of 3)
- Gangstas Paradise
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Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 10:39:40 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Baseball vs. Football (Part 1 of 2) <mature>
Baseball vs. Football (Part 1 of 2)
Do you remember Junior High and High School? Do you remember
talking about "the bases" with your friends? Well, forget
'em!! This is *FOOTBALL*.
With the all new standardized guide to football, you can
forget any of the previous complications of having to
remember the difference between second and third base and
all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a strike
in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a
boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when
trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football
was invented for the sole purpose of understanding where
you and your friends are at.
Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor. No
one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the
complications of modern romance are easily solved using The
Original Handbook Of Football.
WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD
(If your not on the field, get on the field.)
YOUR 10 Yard Line ........ Holding Hands
20 Yard Line ............. Hugging
30 Yard Line ............. Kiss on the Cheek
40 Yard Line ............. Kiss on the Lips
50 Yard Line ............. Tongue Kissing (Serious Territory)
His/Her 40 Yard Line ..... Shirt or Bra Off
30 Yard Line ............. All Clothes Off
20 Yard Line ............. ORAL SEX (Getting or Giving)
1ST AND GOAL ............. Put on the Condom
GOAL LINE ................ TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)
NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE ARE SOME
IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.
Kickoff ................. Making the first move (asking for
a date).
Kicking It Deep ......... Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting
out deep in your own end).
On-Side Kick ............ Asking out a slut (starting near
midfield; on-side kicks are good if
they work, but are risky).
Kick Return ............. How far you get on the first date.
NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE
THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S
SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.
Downs ................... An attempt to get more yards (get
further with her).
Running the Ball ........ Taking it one yard at a time.
Passing Play ............ Skipping stages.
Punting ................. Giving up on this one and asking
another one out. UH OH
Fumble .................. Impotence.
Fumble Recovery ......... Regain erection.
Interception ............ Homosexuality (YOU'RE GOING THE
WRONG WAY!!)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 11:41:58 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Clinton/Falwell (mature)
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and
placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also
like a drink.
Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then
handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't
know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".
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Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 13:47:18 EST
From: Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Comic comments about contemporary life
You know it is still spring because the mosquitos haven't yet replaced
the pollen.
TV news people have the hardest job in the world-trying to cram 10
minutes of news into a two-hour show.
I don't want to say my wife is dumb, but when she saw the sign for
"monthly parking," she asked, "Who would want to park their car there
that long?"
I am starting a support group for those who have developed a
pathological hatred for certain people in the media.
I used to think pro-wrestling was fun to watch - it was like "The
Three Stooges." Now it's like watching the sewer back up in my
basement.
To the people who use the phone late at night, please dial carefully.
Some of us do not like being awakened by your wrong numbers.
To all of you who are accusing Clinton of dodging the draft ... it all
depends on how you define "dodge."
To all you people who prefer saving trees to capitalism, I have a tree
in my back yard. It is lonely. Come hug it.
My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines,
a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."
My wife thinks an unmarked car is one she hasn't been driving yet.
My 16-year-old daughter took one of my Frank Sinatra CDs and has been
playing it is her room. What will these wacky kids think of next?
Being bored is an insult to yourself.
I just met a level-headed redneck; tobacco juice was running out of
both sides of his mouth.
Golf is 90% mental. The other 10^ is in your head.
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent
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Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 14:26:15 -0500
From: Don E. ZBoray <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Church bulletin bloopers
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's been a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will
be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
;-) atbty,
-- don
Don E. Z'Boray, Irving, TX webmaster@newbie.net
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Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 19:26:26 +0100
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Wierd Business News #14 (Part 1 of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HERE'S THE monthly column in which public relations people don't want to
see their work displayed.
Yes, time once again for Weird Business News, a look at the lengths -- and
depths -- business goes to in search of a buck.
The Only Group That Gives More Awards to Each Other Than Journalists Award
to the American Advertising Hall of Fame, which honored Lester Wunderman
for his lifetime career, which included the first use of a 1-800 number in
a television commercial.
The Stop The Presses Award to Hasbro for the first new token in 40 years
for its Monopoly game. For those of you holding your breath, it's a sack of
money.
The Of Course Award to Bob Stupak, who is going to build a new casino and
hotel in Las Vegas, the Titanic Resort. It will be shaped like the doomed
ocean liner but will of course be twice the length of the original ship and
much wider.
The Barlow Doesn't Get That Job Award to John Wareham, writing in the
April Issue of Across The Board, a magazine of the Conference Board.
Wareham advises against hiring any men with beards. They are, he says,
trying to hide something. In my case, a sagging neck.
The Best New Product Award to Fitness Gaming Corp. for its Pedal `N Play
cycle and Money Mill Treadmill. They are both designed to be hooked to slot
machines in casinos. They won't let you risk your money if you are not also
exercising. Which means you may be broke, but you're going to be buff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Mon, 3 May 1999 09:51:33 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Gangsta's Paradise <adult>
A gang-member was holding his eight-month old baby while his wife was in
the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother"..
-----Our guy gets all excited and hollers to his wife,
"Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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