Digest for Tuesday, May 04, 1999
There are 16 messages totalling 642 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- DUH NEWS!!!
- Two For The Birds
- Top5 - 5/4/99 - Seminar Topics at the NRA Convention
- Looking For A Government Job
- Sleep
- The Cynics Guide to Life
- His first time <* adult; may be offensive to the insecure *>
- Tapering Off
- The Tourist Prayer
- Armpit Problem
- Humor - Weird Business News #14 (3rd of 3)
- Best Friends
- limerick
- Technology on Wheels
- HUMOR: another dumb criminal
- The Art Of Loving
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 02:21:40 -0500
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: DUH NEWS!!!
South Africans were warned last month to throw away the
government-issue safe
sex packs, distributed for an AIDS-awareness drive, after it
was found that
the free condoms had been attached to the anti-AIDS
pamphlets with staples.
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 01:46:11 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two For The Birds
It seems like in 1995 or so the pollution in the atmosphere of London
has started to kill off all the rooks. And the city government is very
concerned because the rooks roosting on the cornices and the odd
little crannies of the public buildings are a big attraction. The
Yanks with their Kodaks, if you get it. So they say, "What are we
going to do?"
They get a lot of brochures from places with climates similar to
London's so they can raise the rooks until the pollution problem is
finally licked. One place with a similar climate, but low pollution
count, turns out to be Bangor, Maine. So they put an ad in the paper
soliciting bird fanciers and talk to a bunch of guys in the trade.
Finally, they engage this one guy at the rate of $50,000 a year to
raise rooks. They send an ornithologist over on the Concorde with two
cases of rook eggs packed in these shatterproof cases - they keep the
shipping compartment constantly heated and all that stuff.
So this guy has a new business, North American Rook Farms, Inc. He
goes to work right off incubating new rooks so London will not become
a rookless city. The only thing is, the London City Council is really
impatient, and every day they send him a telegram that says: . . .
"Bred any good rooks lately." (By Stephen King)
Actually, Stephen King has it mixed up.
Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll down
Ragged Mountain across our fields, squirt under Route 4, and piddle
into our hay fields on the other side. My wife spends all fall and
much of the spring working on borders to these little springs,
planting bulbs, fertiziling and then keeping the borders clear and
clean, because if there's anything she likes, . . . its to weed a good
brook. (By Donald Hall)
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 06:17:02 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 5/4/99 - Seminar Topics at the NRA Convention
================================================================
T H E T O P F I V E L I S T
Store in a cool dry place.
================================================================
May 4, 1999
NOTE FROM CHRIS: For our readers not living in the USA,
the National Rifle Association (or NRA) is an organization
which vigorously supports the notion that all adult
Americans -- except "convicted violent criminals" --
have the right to own handguns and rifles.
That was diplomatic, wasn't it?
I didn't even mention all those gun-related
deaths we have every year in this country!
(Care to debate the gun control issue?
I don't, so don't bother writing.)
The Top 14 Seminar Topics at
the Scaled-Down NRA Convention
14> Impressing Jodi Foster 101
13> Releasing Stress By Blowing Away Defenseless Animals:
A Primer
12> Paramilitary Chicks and How To Nail 'Em
11> Membership Drive 2000: Got Nutz?
10> Self Defense: Fleeing From Difficult Questions,
Parts 1 - 20
9> Knife-Throwing, Archery, and Axe-Wielding: Staying
Occupied During that Pesky 7-Day Waiting Period
8> Speed Reading and the Second Amendment
7> Sports Hunting with Semiautomatic Weapons, Like
the Founding Fathers Intended
6> The Law and You: How to Kick a Liberal Pansy's Ass --
Legally!
5> Do Guns Kill People, Or Do People Kill People?
Who The Hell Cares, Let's Go Shoot Something!
4> Corvettes and Wife Abuse: Other Ways to Compensate
for Your Small Penis
3> Trigger Locks, Seatbelts, Fluoridated Water and Other
Communist Plots
2> Hollow Points: Analyzing the NRA Charter
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Seminar Topic
at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention...
1> *Really* Concealed Weapons: You'll Get My Gun When You
Pry It from My Cold, Dead Rectum
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ]
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Half-Cocked" and "Well-Regulated Minutiae"
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today's list can be found on the Joke A Day website:
http://www.jokeaday.com/nftop5.shtml
================================================================
Rumination of the Day
So where are all the lust-crazed engineering
groupies that my college recruiter talked about?
(Thanks to James Knowles)
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 06:20:19 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Looking For A Government Job
Dear Secretary of Agriculture,
My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a check
the other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want
to go into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to
raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be
sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I
would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to
raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate
inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I can get $1,000 for not
raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to
operate
on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised"
hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I can buy an
airplane.
Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of
corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.
Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not feeding as soon
as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs
and
grain.
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any
information on that also. In view of these circumstances, I understand that
the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps as well.
Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming elections.
Patriotically yours,
Duster Benton
PS Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?
(Thanks to Tom Primerano)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 07:02:37 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Sleep
TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9) "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to."
8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here
just in time!"
7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."
6) "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress."
4) "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."
3) "The coffee machine is broken..."
2) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
1) "..... in Jesus' name. Amen."
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 07:22:59 -0400
From: Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: The Cynic's Guide to Life
Source: Squiffy's House of Fun
Http://www.compulink.co.uk/~harem/
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll
inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another
road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbour's's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That
way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are
down.
10. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighbour's's car
11. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel.
It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
13. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
14. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get
off and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 06:30:31 -0500
From: Don E. ZBoray <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: His first time <* adult; may be offensive to the insecure *>
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
the bartender inquired.
"I want six shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"Six shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blow job."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh shot -- on the house."
"No offense, sir," the young man said. "But if six shots won't get
rid of the taste, nothing will."
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 08:21:09 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Tapering Off <adult>
A man comes home from work one day and finds his wife in bed
with a midget. Fuming, he storms at her, "I thought you said you'd
never cheat on me again!"
"I meant it, too," she replied. Pointing to the midget, she said,
"Can't you see I'm tapering off!"
-----------------------
A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.
The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
She replies , "Hell no!"
The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."
-----------------------
Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it
turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good
sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.
On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't
keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.
"Awww come on," I said. "It wasn't that bad."
"Your ordering didn't help matters," she said fuming.
"What?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."
"One at a time!" she yelled.
*******************************************
Fornication: Term used by people
who don't have anybody to screw with.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 14:50:36 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Tourist Prayer <may be off. to the religious>
With the holiday season about to start, I thought that a prayer is in
order.
-----------------
Heavenly Father, Look down on us your humble, obedient
tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth,
taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs
and walking around in drip-dry underwear.
We beseech you Lord, to see that our luggage is not lost
and our overweight baggage does unnoticed at the customs.
Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of our
hotels that we may find our reservation honoured, our rooms
made up and hot water running from the faucets.
Lead us, Dear Lord, to good inexpensive restaurants where
the food is superb, the waiter friendly and wine included
in the price of the meal.
Give us wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not
understand. Forgive us for under tipping out of ignorance
and over tipping our of fear. Make the natives love us for
what we are and not for what we can contribute to their
worldly goods.
Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the Cathedrals,
the palaces and the castles listed as "musts" in the guidebooks.
And if, perchance, we skip and historic monument, to take a nap
after lunch, have mercy on us for out flesh is weak.
(This part of the prayer is for husbands)
Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them
from "bargains" they don't need or can't afford. Lead them not
Into temptation, for they know not what they do.
(This part of the prayer is for the wives)
Almighty Father, keep our husbands from leering at the foreign
women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of
themselves in cafes and nightclubs, for they know exactly what
they do.
(Everyone)
And when our trip is over and we return to our loved ones, grant
us the favour of finding someone who will look at our home movies
and listen to our stories so our lives as tourists will not have
been in vain.
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 09:49:56 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Armpit Problem
Subject: Armpit Problem
A woman takes a public bus to go to work one morning. As the bus
was brimming full, she was forced to stand in the isle, squashed
along with other passengers who could not find a seat. Suddenly a
very attractive man gets on the bus. The woman could not help but
notice him. Not only did she note his very appealing face, but also
his strong, bare, muscular arms. He too could not find a seat. He
had to squeeze in with the others who were standing. To her
greatest pleasure, the attractive man had positioned himself very,
very close to her.
As the bus ride continued, it became steadily warmer and warmer
inside the bus. The woman became conscious of her raised arm,
especially since she was wearing a sleeveless blouse. So as not to
become too conspicuous, she touched her raised underarm. YUCK! She
had forgotten to shave her armpits and the hair had grown to
enormous proportions! Not only that, it was soooo sweaty and a foul
odor reeked from it. She had forgotten to put deodorant, too! Oh my
God, what was she going to do???? So she decided to cover her
armpit with her hand.
Suddenly, the attractive man who was pressed close to her remarked,
"Miss, do you have crush on me?"
Shocked the woman asked, "Goodness how can you ask me that?"
The attractive man said, "Coz, you've been holding my armpit since
I boarded!"
**
Off the net, origin unknown
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 08:51:54 +0100
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #14 (3rd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do not read this while swimming
And speaking of lawyers, the other day as I changed the ink cartridge on
my Epson printer at home I noticed the following warning: "Keep out of
reach of children and do not drink."
That was a warning written by a lawyer. Here are others, as collected off
the Internet by reader Thomas Sommers.
* Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
* On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner. No purchase necessary.
Details inside."
* A bar of Dial soap: "Use like regular soap."
* Some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
* On a hotel-provided shower cap: "Fits one head."
* Tesco's tiramisu dessert: "Do not turn upside down (printed on the
bottom of the box)."
* Marks & Spencer bread pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
* Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
* Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery."
* Nytol sleeping aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
* Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
* On a food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
* Sainsbury's Peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
* An American Airlines package of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
* On a chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with hands."
And in a direct challenge to lawyer speak comes this sign posted by the
British army near one of its bases in central Wales and found by a staffer
of the trade magazine Travel Weekly: "Do not touch any military debris. It
may explode and
kill you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 12:11:55 -0400
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Best Friends
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing
shots of whiskey. His best friend happens to come into the bar and sees
him. "Ben,"says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?" I've known you
for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before.
What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man
replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back
another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But," says the other man,
"*I'm* your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,
smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! **HE** is!"
-------
The state patrol car FINALLY got the speeding car to stop, and the cop
asked, "Buddy, why didn't you stop when I turned on my flashing lights?
Did you think that you could outrun ME?"
"I'm sorry, officer. But, last week, my wife ran off with a policeman,
and I was afraid you was him trying to bring her back!"
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 10:44:16 -0600
From: Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: limerick
There once was a poet named Dan,
Whose poetry just would not scan.
When pointed out why,
He said with a sigh,
"I know, because I try to fit every last syllabul on the last line that I
can."
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 15:21:22 -0400
From: Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Technology on Wheels
A woman bought a new Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom
floor to take home. Halfway there, she attempted to change radio
stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station.
She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer where
she found her salesman and began to angrily explain that her radio
was not working. They must replace it, she insisted, since it only
had one radio station.
The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was the
latest in digital technology and was voice-activated. She would only
need to state aloud the type of station that she wanted and the car
would find it.
She got into the car, started the engine and then said the word
"country," and the radio changed to a station playing a tune by
Deana Carter. Satisfied she started for home. After a while she
decided to try out the radio again and said "rock 'n' roll," and
the radio station changed to a song by the Rolling Stones. Now quite
pleased with herself, she continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light forcing her
to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. She angrily exclaimed,
"Freakin', Inbred Low-life!" And the radio cut over to
Bill Clinton's press conference...
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Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 17:38:34 -0400
From: Lara B. Little <llittle@EMAIL.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: another dumb criminal
A student at our university had a paper due for her art class, and
apparently needed illustrations. So, in a display of her immense respect for
said university and the library, she cut illustrations out of library books.
She glued these cut-out illustrations to regular paper, labeled the
illustrations and included them as pages in her paper. Why is this so
stupid? She cited the illustrations, right down to the page numbers of the
books they came from, in her bibliography! Needless to say, the professor
noticed that the illustrations weren't photocopies, and came to the library
and found the mutilated books and brought them to our attention.
Sigh...and these kids are our future?
Lara Little
http://www.mindspring.com/~blittle/odosbucket
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Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 09:32:17 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Art Of Loving <adult>
Jai was bragging that in HIS country there were 79
different ways to make mad passionate love.
Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from
there's really only one."
"Oh," sniffed Jai, "just one? And which way is that?"
"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "
"Allah be Praised!!!" Jai exclaims, "Number 80!!!"
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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