Digest for Wednesday, May 05, 1999

There are 12 messages totalling 521 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. The Actor (Pun)
  2. The Penis, The Outhouse, The Jewish Bride
  3. Childrens books you will NOT see:
  4. Hells Angels (mature)
  5. The Old Perfesser and The Doctor
  6. Church bulletin bloopers
  7. Ungenerous comments and questions about contemporary life
  8. Choices Choices..
  9. Be Kind to Animals Week
  10. Duck Hunting
  11. Dental Hygiene
  12. Love, Lust and Marriage 


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Tue, 4 May 1999 23:37:26 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Actor (Pun)

        David Garrick, the eighteenth-century English actor who made his
reputation as Richard III, won even greater renown as Hamlet. Shortly
before his first performance in that role, Garrick fell and sustained
a fractured tibia. He played the part with a cast on his leg, and won
raves. While some gossips hinted that the cast was merely a device to
permit his continuing the limp that had served him so well as Richard,
theatergoers by and large accepted the performance, limp and all.

        Garrick went on to play Hamlet on many other occasions, and of course
did not limp in the part once his leg had healed. Other lesser actors,
however, borrowed not only his interpretation of the role but the limp
that had gone with it. Although there is nothing in the play to
suggest that the melancholy Danc ought to limp, several generations of
English actors hobbled in the part, and, while the theatrical world
today has forgotten this curious bit of business, it survives in that
perennial opening night wish: "Break a leg!"

        It endures, too, in that show biz bromide, . . . "You can't make a
Hamlet without breaking legs." (By Lawrence Block)

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 5 May 1999 05:33:26 EDT
From:    Robert Prieto <rprieto@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Penis, The Outhouse, The Jewish Bride <adult>

  Frank is getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his buddies
take him out to get laid in every way possible for the last time
as a single guy. They hire half a dozen hookers to do things to
Frank he hadn't even imagined! By the time the night is over, his
pecker is a mangled mess. He doesn't know else what to do, so
he takes a couple of popsicle sticks and puts one on either side
 of his penis, and wraps it up with adhesive tape. The next day,
he gets married and now here he is with his new bride at their
honeymoon suite.

  She walks out of the bathroom stark naked, and says, "Look,
Honey. Untouched by human hands."

  He's got to think quick...he pulls down his pants and says,
"Look! Not even out of the crate!"

------------------------------------

    It's a sunny day in the Ozarks, and Maw walk in the house and
says, "Jeb, get yerself out there and fix that there outhouse."
   "All right, Maw." He replies.
    He walks out to the outhouse, looks it over and hollers toward the
house, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with this here outhouse, Maw!."
    She hollers back, "Put your head down the hole!"
    He puts his head in the hole and yells, "There ain't nuthin' wrong
with this here outhouse!"
    He goes to lift his head out and says, "OWW!! OWW!! Help Maw!
My beard's stuck!
    She says, "It's aggravatin', ain't it?"

 -----------------------------

    A Jewish girl come home one day and announces, "Ma, I got
married."
    "Oy, that's great.", her mother says.
    "But Ma, he's an Arab.", the girl continues.
     Her mother replies, "Oy, that's terrible!"
    "But Ma", the girl goes on, "He's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond
your wildest dreams. You and daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury
for the rest of your lives!"

    Six months later, the girl walks into the house and says, "Ma, I love
my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in the ass.
Day and night, that's all he wants to do. When we got married, my
asshole was the size of a dime...now it's the size of a silver dollar!"
   Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Progress?  ;-)
RP

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 5 May 1999 06:20:33 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Children's books you will NOT see:

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Where's Godot?"

"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
Animals of North Amer. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Why God Burned Down Disney Land"


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 5 May 1999 07:01:28 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Hells Angels  (mature)

 Printed on the back of a Hells Angel's T-shirt:

                 "If you can read this my bitch fell off"

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 5 May 1999 07:50:36 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: The Old Perfesser and The Doctor <adult>

The old perfesser visits his doctor for a routine check-up
and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about
his sex life.
"Well..." the perfesser drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest.
The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise
around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed
at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years
old."
"My goodness, and at your age too," the doctor said. "I
hope you at least took some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, doc. I gave 'em
all a phony name."
   +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The old perfesser was invited for a thorough check-up
to the district clinic. Arriving at the huge and somewhat
confusing building, he receives the following directions
from the receptionist on the ground floor.
"Well, sir, first you go to the 2nd floor where they take your
blood for testing, then you move to the 3rd floor where you
deliver your urine, and through with this you' ve got to report
to the 4th floor where they take your stool. Finally, come back
to this floor and I will show you where to go. You will sure enjoy
that because a young nurse will take your semen sample.
When all this is done, you go home and wait for us to send
you the results."
Completely annoyed, the old perfesser says: "Oh, dear, that's
so hard to remember for a man of my age. Wouldn't it be better
if I simply leave my underpants with you right here? It's all there....."
   +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by the old
perfesser, who demanded to know how much he charged
for a house call.
"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.
"How much is an office visit?" demanded the old perfesser.
"Fifteen dollars."
"Okay, Doc," said the old perfesser. "I'll meet you in your
office in fifteen minutes."
   +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The old perfesser went to his eye doctor for a checkup.  As he was
getting older, he noticed that he doesn't see things as well up close.
He told the doc about this, and as he was checking his eyes, he
asked if that caused any particular problems.  The old perfesser
commented that his food looked fuzzy.
The doctor suggested that he clean out his refrigerator.....
   +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The old perfesser complained to his doctor, "I've been to three
other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then
they'll see that I was right."

*****************************************************************
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of
 things.  Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
     -- The Old Perfesser

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 5 May 1999 08:11:17 -0500
From:    Don E. ZBoray <zboray@NEWBIE.NET>
Subject: Church bulletin bloopers

21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
    Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening.  Mrs. Crutchfield and
    Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full
    choir.

24) Hymn 43:  "Great God, what do I see here?"
    Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
    Hymn 47:  "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
    GOD IS GOOD.   Dr. Hargreaves is better.

26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

29) Pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary.

30) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
    several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


 ;-) atbty,
        -- don

 Don E. Z'Boray, Irving, TX     webmaster@newbie.net

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Tue, 4 May 1999 20:32:24 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ungenerous comments and questions about contemporary life

A local auto repair shop advertises themselves: We're "Wreck Amended"

Could we please not hear anymore about Monica Lewinsky? She's not a
celebrity, she's a national embarrassment.

Overheard at my exercise salon: Where do you want to go for dinner
after this? BBQ ribs sounds good to me.

I remember when we tried to sneak candy into school.

Our Constitution should be changed to protect the accused's right to
be considered innocent until the DNA test comes back.

Some rich guys have finally flown around the world in a balloon. Now
maybe they will get a life and do something productive.

My Yankee husband says Southerners never get anything done because
we're always "fixing" to do something, and never really get around to
doing it.

I have three dogs and a wife, and all four of them bark constantly.

Sing of the apocalypse: Cher has the top pop song in the U.S.

Headline seen in the Gainesville, Florida, Sun: "Poverty Linked to
Inequality of Wealth"

Why do people recite their phone number to you so fast that you can't
get it down? Guess they don't want you to call them back.

How do you know you have an airline pilot at your party? Don't worry,
he'll remind you every 15 minutes.

The US Army taught me how to fight and it taught me how to drink. Now,
because of all the fighting and drinking , I've just lost my third
wife. Any lawyers out there think I have a case?

I found a sure fire way to make telemarketers hang up every time. I
answer the phone, "Hola."

Seen on the bumper of a car that committed a traffic blunder:
"Stupidity should be painful." Does this mean I can slap him?

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75
percent of the population.

Carl Bernstein needs to write another book and call it, "All the
President's Women."


Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/vent

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 5 May 1999 13:27:07 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Choices Choices..

A Scotsman, Englishman and Arab are all in the Maternity
ward.  The
Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all,
explaining that
they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons.  However
he says, there
has been a problem.
" We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to
get your three
sons mixed up "
In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they
draw lots to
see who gets first choice.  The result is that  the Scotsman
gets first
choice.
The Doctor takes the Scotsman through to the 3 babies:
" I'll take that one " he says pointing to the little brown
child.
" Hold on " says the Doctor " that 's obviously not your son,
he's as
brown as a chocolate bar and both you and your wife are
white "

" I know " replies the Scotsman " but one of the other two
is English,
and I am just not prepared to take the risk"

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
     RAINY

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 5 May 1999 15:28:32 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Be Kind to Animals Week <Just plain dumb>

----------
This is Be Kind To Animals Week, so:

Let a skunk borrow your Old Spice.

Take your canary to a Celine Dion concert--and get her to autograph it.

Teach your cat to operate the microwave and buy him a case of frozen
rats.

Take time to stop and kiss a cow.

Make paper training fun for your puppy. Use pictures of Bob Barker.

Buy your dog a monogrammed fire hydrant.

Donate your old contact lenses to a bat.

Massage a moose.

Teach your parrot to say "Yes" with a Southern accent so he'll qualify
for a job in Washington.

Tell an underprivileged rabbit about Planned Parenthood.

Teach a squirrel to use a shovel.

Take your Chihuahua to Taco Bell.

Teach your basset hound to drink from the toilet with a straw so his
ears won't mildew.

Let a homeless duck use your bathtub.

Invite the neighborhood cats in for a licking party, and serve
fishsicles.

Teach a squirrel how to dig up acorns with your weed popper.

Let your rabbit keep all four feet.

Give your pet brahma bull a hump massage.

Designate one trash barrel with an easy-open lid for raccoons.

Spiff up your armadillo with Armorall.

Buy your dog an artificial leg to hump all he wants.
----------
From HaNews at http://www.flash.net/~comedy/calendar.html

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 5 May 1999 19:06:20 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Duck Hunting

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.  His
search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on
water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none
of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a
pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his
new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.  they
fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the
water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked
across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his
paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice
anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend.  "He can't swim."

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Wed, 5 May 1999 20:02:01 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Dental Hygiene

        On a distant planet , the dominant population was obsessed with
dental hygiene due to the fact that they had three complete receding
sets of mandibles.

        They were so concerned with maintaining their teeth, that the custom
was to floss several times a day. To achieve this goal, they grew a
floss plant from which the fibers were extracted to make the necessary product.

        Being a scientifically advanced species especially in the area of
genetics, they developed a sub-species of workers by using their own
genetic print as a starting point. These clones were specifically
designed to harvest the plants, but were deficient in other areas such
as intelligence.

        As long as they were supervised, they did a good job. However, if
left untended, they would usually wander aimlessly off. From whence
comes their expression: . . . A strolling clone gathers no floss.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Thu, 6 May 1999 09:28:02 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Love, Lust and Marriage <adult>

Love - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love - When you argue over how many children to have.
Lust - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love - When you share everything you own.
Lust - When you steal everything they own.
Marriage - When the bank owns everything.

Love - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage - When ... uh ... what's a climax?

Love - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
Lust - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
Marriage - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

Love - When you write poems about your partner.
Lust - When all you write is your phone number.
Marriage - When all you write is checks.

Love - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
Lust -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around
Marriage - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

Love - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust - When you only see each other naked.
Marriage - When you never see each other awake.

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index