Digest for Tuesday, June 01, 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 506 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Top5 - 6/1/99 - Youve Hired The Wrong Counselor
- Young And Innocent
- Ethnicity
- Humor - Weird Business News #15 (1st of 3)
- A Couple of Adult Jokes (adult)
- History Lessons (Puns)
- US ARMY answering machine message
- Temperance
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 06:09:50 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 6/1/99 - You've Hired The Wrong Counselor
================================================================
June 1, 1999
The Top 15 Signs You've Hired The
Wrong Marriage Counselor
15> Degree on the wall reads "Doctor of Swingology."
14> Keeps repeating, "If you can't change course, you must
divorce."
13> "I'm afraid there's not much you can do with a penis
that small."
12> Her latest book: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards"
11> "Just shut up and screw" doesn't seem like very good advice.
10> After you've earned enough "session points", you get to choose
either a Louisville Slugger or a Tazer gun.
9> When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he
throws a couple of pillows on the floor and says, "Prove it."
8> "Communication, schmunication - let's talk about
'backdoor love'..."
7> "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Dr. Ike Turner will see you now."
6> You quickly discover that his motto, "Don't worry, be happy"
is pretty much the extent of his knowledge of the English
language.
5> Always takes Hillary's side.
4> In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the
first session by hooking your genitals up to a car battery
and tossing your wife the keys.
3> Agrees with husband that a request to "honk on Bobo" is
foreplay enough.
2> "Mrs. Jones, I believe your husband is correct. You are
a whiny bitch."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've
Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor...
1> Her last name has six hyphens.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ]
Rumination of the Day
They say not to put all of your eggs
in one basket, but I'll be damned if
I am going to roll twelve shopping
carts out of the grocery store.
(Thanks to Erin Page)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 06:30:33 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Young And Innocent
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After
2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy
to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called
her into his office,
"But why?" he asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said
"You can't just quit like that.
There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear
and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the
broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his,
and said, "Ha ha...my dear, it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only
do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
(Thanks to Chip Eller)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 08:18:10 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnicity <adult, off>
A policeman pulled a Polack over after he'd been driving
the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
The Polack: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause
all the people were leaving."
-------------------------------------------
There once was a Jew from Peru
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife screamed "oy vey,
if you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"
-------------------------------------------
A white man, a black man and a Mexican sit down at a bar.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down right next to them.
The three begin an argument over who will approach her first.
Used to this, the woman turns to them and says, "Listen boys,
I'm a woman of culture and which ever one of you can use both
the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in the same sentence can take
me home."
"That's easy," said the white guy. "I like liver and I like cheese,"
he says as he gestures for her to come over.
"Oh, not nearly good enough!" says the woman.
With that, the black man said "Aww shit, mama, don't be givin'
me no liver and cheese!" and starts moving towards her.
"No, no! That won't do either," the woman replies with a wave
of her hand.
The Mexican looks at his friends like they're nuts, walks up
and puts his arm around the woman and smiles, "liver alone,
cheese mine."
-------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Polish used car salesman?
A: He got arrested for turning back the fuel gauges.
-------------------------------------------
Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off...
-------------------------------------------
Q. Did you hear about the black guy who tried to pass
himself off as Mexican?
A. He gave himself away by saying, "Adios, Muthafucka"
-------------------------------------------
A US Congressman and his wife were fast asleep when a noise
from downstairs woke the wife.
"There's a thief in the house." she said, shaking her husband.
Groggily, the Congressman replied, "Well, maybe there's a few
in the Senate, but certainly not in the House."
-------------------------------------------
Q: What's this:
__X__
__Xski__
A: A PolAck co-signing a loan for black guy.
-------------------------------------------
There once was a mohel from Minsk
Who saved all his customers' skinsk
Tho they looked odd in a jar
He was kinder by far
Than his zeyde, who made from them, a blintzk.
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get rid of a lawn full of dandelions?
A: Paint one black...the other ones will move!
-------------------------------------------
The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about
who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their
dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and
judge by the mid-air performance of their chutes.
The Polack jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating
toward the earth.
The Italian jumped, pulled the cord - and nothing happened.
He pulled the safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he
whizzed past the Pole, plummetting like a stone.
"Ah HA!" shouted the Polack, yanking off his harness. "So ya
wanna race!"
*****************************************
When in Doubt, do as the Doubtians do.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 11:31:28 +0100
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #15 (1st of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Time
now to look at the funny things that happen in business as it strives to
make a buck. In other words, it's more Weird Business News.
Our Geek Speak Award to Texas Micro of Houston, which just accepted a
takeover offer of $115 million in stock from RadiSys Corp. and announced:
"Texas Micro is strong in PCI, with an extensive offering of CPU cards and
system packaging. We can now combine this with RadiSys` PCI DSP
voice-processing products and WAN communication adapters from the ARTIC
business. RadiSys has the leading position today in CompactPCI, with CPU
solutions, DSP boards, voice processing, and WAN interfaces. Texas Micro
adds CompactPCI system packaging and high-availability fault-tolerant
developments."
The Let's Hear It For The News Award to the North American Precis
Syndicate, which offers already written stories -- on CD-ROM so you don't
even have to punch them into the newspaper computer system. They are dandy
stories written by public relations agencies.
And They Are Also Putting On Mascara Award to the 40 percent of the
drivers who said in a survey by Exxon Corp. that while driving they are
also talking on a cell phone.
The Oceans of Profit Award to the marketers of Vitamin O, touted in
advertisements as a treatment for cancer and other life-threatening
diseases. Federal consumer protection officials said it is "nothing more
than salt water."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 21:08:05 EDT
From: Robert Prieto <rprieto@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A Couple of Adult Jokes (adult)
These were sent to me from jokesbyjen.
---------------------------------------------------
((Thanks to Dave Heap for this one!))
A guy with a very black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and
sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him
has a major black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence,
we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?" Other guy:
"Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was
at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with hugh breasts was
there, so instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd
like a picket to Tittsburgh, and she hauled off and hit me in the eye."
First guy: "Wow, this IS a coincidence. Mine was a tongue twister
too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to
my wife, please pass the box of Wheaties, but I accidentally said, you
ruined my whole life you stupid bitch."
-------------------------------------------
8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall
together one day. "Mommy," says the little Mary, "how old are you?"
"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demands the child.
"Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're
grown-up."
"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind." answers the mother.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is
something you will learn and understand someday."
"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got
divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something
still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."
A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend
at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems...
"All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all
the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like
a report card and it'll give you anything you need."
So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks
into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages
through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it
carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are!
You are 35!" The mother is very surprised. "And, I know how much you
weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?" The mother is shocked. "And, I
know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
The mother, dumb founded asked, "Why?"
"It's because you got an F in sex."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 20:10:31 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: History Lessons (Puns)
Fu Man Chu
This is a story about the famous Chinese general Fu Man Chu who went
to invade Siberia during the winter. One of the defending Siberian
generals had spies who would run up into the mountains, spy on the
Chinese, and return with messages about the state of the invaders.
During one night, there was a terrible snow and ice storm, and the
renowned Chu was said to have died from the cold.
The messenger returned to the Siberian general's camp and gave the
following report, ... "Many are cold, but Chu is frozen."
Thai Justice
Throughout the 17th, 18th, and most of the 19th century the
punishment for many crimes (including such comparatively minor ones as
picking pockets) in Thailand was the ritual blinding of the offender.
This punishment became more and more unpopular and an underground
resistance movement developed.
The men who performed this ritual blinding became the increasingly
common target for assassination, usually by bombs. Indeed, so many
were killed by bombs that the position became increasingly difficult
to fill. The pay was high, but the danger of death by explosion was
higher.
In time the government gave up and abandoned blinding as a means of
punishment.
Today we remember the resistance movement because of their famous
protest song: ... "Blast Be The Thai That Blinds."
The Czar
It's said that, during the reign of Czar Nicholas II, an American
visitor to the royal court was boasting about the Grand Canyon.
Nicholas, not to be outdone by a mere American, retorted that Mother
Russia had its own canyon, one that dwarfed the American's puny excuse
for a canyon.
"Show me!" insisted the American. Nicholas agreed, and the two
undertook a trip to the site of the Russian canyon.
After many days of travel, they reached the site -- where Nicholas
revealed that there was no Russian canyon, and he had been pulling his
visitor's leg all along.
This may be the first recorded instance of ... czar chasm. (By
Robert Payes)
History Deconstructed
In addition to what we normally hear in history class, the famous
early-19th century French general was not only responsible for a
revolution in military strategy, but also he helped develop certain
pieces of weaponry such as the hand grenade.
The only problem occurred when a friend asked him what would happen
if one of his weapons was detonated on the kitchen floor.
Clearly, the answer was ... linoleum blown-apart.
Darius the Mede
Once there was a conference of scholars investigating ancient
history. They were considering the nationality of King Darius,
mentioned in the Bible as Darius the Mede.
Some of those present took the different view that Darius was
actually from Persia.
Tempers began to flare, until one wise professor said, "Let's not
argue this! ... After all, one man's Mede is another man's Persian."
... Are you Shah?
... Sultanly
A Bit of History
In the year 356 B.C., Philip of Macedonia and his wife Olympia were
about to become the proud parents of a baby boy.
It had been foretold that the child would grow up to become a famous
leader and warrior.
The night before the child was born, a voice spoke to Philip in a
dream. "Arise, go out into the streets and seek a most mysterious
sign. When you behold evidence that nocturnal birds of prey have begun
nesting underground in the city's drainage system, The name by which
your illustrious son will be known for all time will be revealed to
you."
Philip awoke, told his wife about the voice and quickly went out to
seek the sign. After a short while he returned.
"Well tell me, said Olympia, "did you see anything?"
... "Yes, owl eggs under the grate!"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1999 20:07:28 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: US ARMY answering machine message
>>> > U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE
Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of
our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged.
Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region,
the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have
sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up
and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory
Consideration Of Others training, we will return your call.
>>> >
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options,
please listen to the following numbers:
>>> >
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States
Marine Corps.
>>> >
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can
be solved by one or two low risk, high altitued bombing runs, please press 2 for
the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after
1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers
requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research
and development funding.
>>> >
If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey
funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in
advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missle service
is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
>>> >
If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
>>>>
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed
to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a
compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the
inherent TDY costs.
Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not
required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
>>> >
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid
little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut
miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your butt off daily, risking
your life, in all weathers and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching
Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in
an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
>>> >
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United
States Army.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 09:29:05 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Temperance <clean>
(via Lynne <B2Marvin@aol.com>)
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index