Digest for Wednesday, June 02, 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 480 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Two Steel Balls
- Top5 - 6/2/99 - Little Known Government Departments
- WoW, What a Night
- Q & A
- Jaywalking in Jerusalem (fwd) not offensive
- Quotin ScripTURE
- Humor - Weird Business News #15 (2nd of 3)
- 5 years ago - Offensive to Baptists
- The Job Interview (Pun)
- Little Johnny
- Couplet
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 10:06:42 +0300
From: Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: Two Steel Balls <risque, off. to French people>
The Army Forces Special Corpse is conducting an experiment. So they put
up an ad for volunteers, and sure enough, in no time they get an American,
a German, and a French who are all willing to participate.
The experts have all of these guys locked up in separate rooms that
contain nothing else but two large steel balls.
A week passes by, and the experts unlock the doors to see what has
happened. In the first room, they find the American, dressed up for
sports, lifting the balls with both hands. He seemed very happy for the
chance he had got to build up.
In the second room, the German guy had used his buttons to make up a
design all over the floor. He was also very happy because the balls had
given him the idea of a new and improved machinery which he had designed.
In the third room, they find the French guy, sad and sitting in a corner,
with one steel ball laying around. "What happened?" asked the experts.
"Well, nothing much," said the French. "I'm just waiting here."
"But what about the balls? Have you done anything with them?"
"A, the balls. Well, the first one broke down, and I lost the other one."
Felix
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"Shhhhh... be vewy, vewy quiet! I'm hunting wabbits!"
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 06:15:49 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 6/2/99 - Little Known Government Departments
================================================================
June 2, 1999
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Today's list comes from our
competition to select new Top5 contributors...
The Top 15 Little Known U.S. Government Departments
15> Office of Investigation of Unfair Internet Humor List
Hiring Practices
14> Department of Annexation: Because those damned Canadians
can't hold out forever.
13> Bureau for Explaining that What Happens on "The X-Files"
is Not Real
12> Dept. of Chinese Nuclear Technology (formerly Dept. of Defense)
11> Why are Pork Chops Shaped Like South America Dept.
10> Official Judiciary Department In Determined Investigation To
Uncover Deception Of Real Killers (O.J.D.I.D.I.T.U.D.O.R.K.)
9> Strom Thurmond Animation and Preservation Department
8> Bureau of Alcohol, Tabasco, and Fire Alarms
7> Committee to Re-Erect the President
6> Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Big-Ass Monster Trucks,
Jerry Springer, and Butt Cracks You Could Lose A 12" Pipe
Wrench In
5> Dept. of Empty Public Gestures
4> Th. Off. Gov't Dept. o. Abbrv.
3> Committee Rationalizing Appropriate Propogation Of
Long Acronyms
2> Federal Mime Protection Program
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Little Known
U.S. Government Department...
1> Department of Internet Security and Censo...**NO CARRIER**
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com" ]
================================================================
Rumination of the Day
Imagine what the world would sound
like if the inventor if the telephone
had been Alexander Graham Siren.
(Thanks to Ed Zuccarelli)
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 06:21:08 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: WoW, What a Night
I met this beautiful girl last night.
She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex
ever.
Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like
medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her
place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very
close.
You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well, actually,
I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I wasn't
actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together.
To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But it
was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it
was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in.
Although, the chair was...on the other side of a wall you see... in
another room sort of.
And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to
the wall, very close.
Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of... on the
street...leaning against the building.
But wow!
What a night.
What a night.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 08:08:22 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Q & A <adult>
Q: What's the difference between a mistress, a hooker and a wife?
A: The hooker says, "Faster, faster."
The mistress says, "Slower, slower."
The wife says, "But Leeeeeeeeeee, we had sex *last* month..."
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need;
a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a woman with sperm on her glasses most likely to say?
A: "I saw that one coming..."
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a diaphragm?
A: A trampoline for dickheads.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: Why didn't Smokey the Bear's wife
ever get pregnant?
A: Every time she got hot, he threw dirt on her
and hit her with a shovel.
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Q: How is a blowjob like a lobster?
A: They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the little boy cannibal give to his mother
for Mother's Day?
A: A box of Farmer's Fannies.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What's white and 10 inches long?
A: Nothing.
-------------------------------------------------
Q: How did Nancy know Ronald Reagan had Alzheimer's disease??
A: When she sent him to the video store for "Scent of a Women",
he brought back "A fish called Wanda"!!
-------------------------------------------------
Q: What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate?
A: He was stumped.
-------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is armpit hair called "Moe" and facial hair called "Larry"?
A. Because pubic hair is Curly.
************************************************
Pet Peeve #2 -- Hookers that backwash.
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 10:08:51 -0400
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Jaywalking in Jerusalem (fwd) not offensive
This I got from Michael Turniansky who got it from the Jewish humor list.
From: Michael Turniansky <turnip@BCPL.NET>
Original-From: "rubin" <rubin@panama.c-com.net>
Original-Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 17:39:12 -0500
The jaywalking problem in New York City reminded me of a time when my
husband and I were on a visit to Jerusalem. As we waited patiently at a
busy intersection for the "walk" signal, a young man sped across the
street against the light.
An elderly gentleman waiting with us turned and said
sadly, "Two thousand years he's waiting for the Messiah,
and he can't wait for a light."
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 09:45:45 -0500
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Quotin' ScripTURE
This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all
loaded down with
the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and
was all alone. The
only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture.
So, she holds up
a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!!!"
The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point
that she is able to
get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops
arrive, the
burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much
surprised that a woman
alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked
the lady, "How did you
do this?"
The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."
The cop turned the burglar, "What was it about the
scripture that had such an
effect on you?"
The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought
she said she had
an ax and two 38's."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 10:48:36 +0100
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #15 (2nd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What we meant to say is ...
For those of you who like to call attention to my mistakes, let me refer
you to a national Internet Web site that consists only of newspaper
corrections -- www.slipup.com.
The Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam Award to Hormel Foods, maker of that
product. It has teamed up with the Mayo Clinic to study whether pig organs
can be transplanted into human beings.
Our She Will Be Too Fat To Fit Award to Caitlin Hedberg, 11, of Alcoa,
Tenn. In a contest sponsored by cookie maker Nabisco, she won a 1999
Volkswagen Beetle filled with Oreo cookies.
The Best Company Name -- as submitted by reader Mike Murray -- to
Houston-based Diversified Specialists Inc.
Second place in the company name award to Dippy Foods Inc. of Anaheim,
Calif.
Best Name for an Award Given By the Perfume Industry to Its Members: The
Fifi.
The Signs of the Times Award to It Must Be Heaven restaurant in Brenham,
which posts a discreet little one on the wall that allows, "If you're
smoking in here you better be on fire." And thanks to reader Dave
Gatterman for sending it in.
The Best Confusing Name Award to CANUSAMEX, whose headquarters is in
The Woodlands. Company President Roy C. Strickland said the company
provides logistical services in Canada, the Unite States and Latin
America. But people are always calling, trying to hire casual labor from
South of the Border.
And still on the subject of names, there's a tree farm out near Simonton
called the Big Nuts Tree Farm. That tip, by the by, came from someone I
know only as CosmeticDe@aol.com.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 23:37:32 +0200
From: Alar The Joker <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: 5 years ago - Offensive to Baptists
5 years ago this was a hot joke!
---
Date sent: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 12:55:30 -0400
From: Tom Rowe <trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to Baptists
A man traveling out West drives out to a lookout over a canyon and
finds another man standing on the top rail, apparently about to
jump. He shouts "Wait, Wait! Don't do it."
Without turning around, the other man replies "I can't take it
anymore - I'm just going to end it."
"It can't be that bad. Why don't you tell me about it?"
He turns around. His face is a horrible caricature of a horse's face.
"I can't live with the jokes, the ridicule, the little kids running away
from me. I can't find a woman - its just too much."
"Wow. I have to admit its pretty bad. But I believe that there is a
reason behind everything; that God tests us every day in some way
and there is a reward in Heaven for those that suffer. Tell me, do
you believe in God?"
"Yes, I do."
"Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too. What denomination?"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Northern, Southern, or American Congress?"
"Northern."
"Me too! This is really something. Tell me, Pentacostal, Reformed,
or Fundamentalist?"
"Fundamentalist."
"Me too! Great Lakes or Plains congregation?"
"Great Lakes."
"Me too!! 1869 or 1912 Convention?"
"1912."
Points finger and shouts "Die, you sinner!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
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| Have some serious fun at "Funny Jokes" - http://jokes.isp.ee/ |
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 16:38:20 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Job Interview (Pun)
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was
down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New
York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley
young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take
care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and
then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they
would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry
yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However,
you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the
application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get
your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."
"That's very good ... excellent. Your hired!"
"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called."
Jim answered" I don't care ...Yim ... or Mr. Yonson." (By Lee Daniel Quinn)
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Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1999 20:35:17 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Little Johnny
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about
the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of
water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm
first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm
in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly
sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 09:42:19 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Couplet <clean>
* Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look
at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem can there be greater than this one ?"
* Wife : "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"
Hubby : "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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