Digest for Thursday, June 03, 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 254 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans
- Homer Sexuals...
- Humor - Weird Business News #15 (3rd of 3)
- DEMO CRAPS SONG(off to demos)politics)
- The Will (Pun)
- Aerobics Instructors
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 06:18:39 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans
10. "Read My Lips - No New Interns"
9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"
7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally
Contribute To My Campaign"
6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"
4. "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!"
3. "From Perjury To Albany"
2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It"
1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"
(Thanks to Robert)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 08:08:48 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Homer Sexuals... <adult, poofily offensive>
Q: Why did the lesbian cut her trip to China short?
A: She missed her native tongue.
-------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the queer bear
who laid his paw on the table?
How about the queer termite who
only ate mail boxes?
How about the queer midget who went into
the bar and kissed every guy in the joint?
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms or legs?
A: Nice tits. Bitch.
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A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother
that he has decided to go back into the closet... he has met
a wonderful girl and they are going to be married! He tells
his mother that he's sure she will be happier, since he knows
that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted, and then asks
tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that
she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but from a wealthy
Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the
news, and asks, "What is her name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened
to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
-------------------------------------------
Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian?
A: Vagitarian.
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"Mommy, Mommy, what's an Oedipus complex?"
"Shut up and kiss me!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Daddy, Daddy, what's a transvestite?"
"Shut up and unhook my bra!"
-------------------------------------------
Snow White and the seven dwarves were just
good friends......but that's just another fairy story.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a transvestite with a vasectomy?
A: A seedless fruit.
*******************************************************
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances
for a date on Saturday night. -- Woody Allen
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 09:22:06 +0100
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #15 (3rd of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something from the dessert truck
The Let's Build a Really Big Food Item and See If Someone Is Stupid
Enough To Write About It Award to Splenda Brand low-calorie sweetener. The
item: A 7-foot-tall, 1,000-pound chocolate layer cake.
The It's Not a General Protection Fault Error to The Ultimate Silicon
Valley Slang Page for the following unusual computer error messages.
=B7 Code 18: An error made by what's sitting 18 inches from the monitor.
=B7 BDU: Brain Dead User. Someone who calls technical support instead of
reading the instructions.
=B7 PEBCAK: Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.
From an unnamed reader comes a postcard she received from the Leadership
Texas Athenaeum promoting female leaders, set for June 16-19 in El Paso.
The picture on the other side of the card shows six women dressed in
bordello chic. The reader asks, "What are they selling?"
The Service of the Month Award -- or perhaps it should be the What
Happened to the Neighbor's Flower Bed? -- to Tidi-Dawg of Houston. For $10
a week for one dog, $3.50 for each additional one, Tidi-Dawg will come to
your house and remove the offerings your dog has placed on your lawn.
Product of the Month Award to the East of Chicago Pizza Co. of Willard,
Ohio, for its peanut butter and jelly pizza. Please hold the anchovies on
mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 12:13:32 -0500
From: RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: DEMO CRAPS SONG(off to demos)politics)
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS
Tune: The theme song from the cartoon "Animaniacs"
We're liberal Democrats
And we love to spend and tax
So just sit back and relax
Until we cause you to collapse
We're liberal Democrats!
Come join us liberal Democrats, we're quite a crazy lot
We'll complain about the rich, while we take all that you
got
You'll vote us out of office, whenever we get caught
We shun the blame; It's all a game.
And now you know the plot!
We're liberal Democrats
Teddy drinks and Bonior yaks
We will complains about the PACs
While we raise your income tax
We're liberal Democrats!
We're liberal Democrats
We hate all the Republican contracts.
We'll tax you to the max
And steal the wallet from your slacks!
We'll drive you insaney
Throwing your money down the drainy
On things that are zany
We're liberal Democrats!!!
source:newsgroup
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 18:57:28 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Will (Pun)
Bjorn Swensen opened his mailbox to find a letter from a law firm.
Since the young man could not remember doing anything worthy of a
lawsuit and as he was too desperately poor to be worth suing, he
opened the envelope. Inside, he found notification that his Uncle Juan
had died, and the will mentioned Bjorn.
The will stipulated that if Bjorn changed his name and became old
Juan's namesake, he would inherit millions. The young man was stymied.
He was already named after an uncle who he loved and respected.
Bjorn went to his loving girl friend, and the two tried to decide
what was the moral, ethical and sane thing to do. Together, they went
to a judge to find out if a name change could be temporary, and
discovered it could. The young man decided he would temporarily become "Juan."
The judge officiated the name change, and that evening the young man
and his love went to dinner with her parents, whom he had never met.
She introduced the young man to her mother and father, who seemed
puzzled to be meeting "Juan," instead of the "Bjorn" they had heard so
much about.
"Don't worry," his girl friend explained quickly, . . . "He was Bjorn
yesterday, and he'll be Bjorn again next week."
Her father replied, "Well, at least it was good that they made him
keep the name for a week I'd hate to think that . . . there was Juan
Bjorn every minute!"
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Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 09:50:12 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Aerobics Instructors <clean>
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a
well-mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.
Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.
Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!
Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics
instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground
first?
A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.
Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain
and agony?
A. Unemployed.
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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