Digest for Friday, June 04, 1999

There are 9 messages totalling 395 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. At The Shoe Store
  2. License Plate
  3. First Aid for Non-Medically Minded People
  4. How People Think (off. to Irishmen)
  5. Stupid Criminal Story #13
  6. Talented Octopus [mildly adult]
  7. 5 years ago - What is a tape tree?
  8. The Car Buyer (Pun)
  9. NAME THAT TUNE!!(aDULLT) 


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Date:    Fri, 4 Jun 1999 06:21:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: At The Shoe Store

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.  "How do
they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the
mans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out" offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Fri, 4 Jun 1999 08:12:32 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: License Plate

 It took the Department of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and
 revoke this personalized license plate: 3M TA3

 Can you tell why?
 (see answer below)
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 3M TA3

 Because it reads EAT ME in a rear view mirror.

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Date:    Fri, 4 Jun 1999 08:14:11 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: First Aid for Non-Medically Minded People

*** Electrocution ***
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH
OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute
fortune, and it would be going to waste.

Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the
stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was
once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.

Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use
him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
-----------------------------------------

*** Treating Burns and Scalds ***
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible.
(N.B. If the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames
  it may a little too late for this).

If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then
REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the
sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and
take their mind off their injury.

Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite
drowning as an example.
-----------------------------------------

*** Fractures and Broken Limbs ***
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has
resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting
outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then
tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts
the wind up them.

Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and
down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down
unconscious, making the rest of your job easier.

Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result
in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring,
try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists
through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of
fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than
Play-Doh.
-----------------------------------------

*** Choking on Food ***
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by
punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck
before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however.

Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the
bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.
-----------------------------------------

*** Cuts and Wounds ***
Dress the wound, whatever that means.

Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly
around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in
breathing.
Ha Ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the
wound. Just my little joke.  Stitch up the wound with
aluminium wire.
Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an
expert, you know.
-----------------------------------------

*** Objects Stuck In The Eye ***
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE
SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.

Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth.
This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away"
and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.
-----------------------------------------

*** Concussion ***
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who
the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To
make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your
back. Then total up the victims score and send it to
me at this address:

Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN  55345
The highest score wins a mystery prize.

Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes,
there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to
concussion.
Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off
all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout
"Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blind or
something."

  (via The Mouthpiece)
****************************
What do you mean my urine sample is too small?

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Date:    Fri, 4 Jun 1999 11:24:23 -0400
From:    Charles H. Tidwell, Sr. <ctidwell@SOUTHERN.EDU>
Subject: How People Think (off. to Irishmen)

It was an Irishman, Austin O'Malley, who said:

An Englishman thinks seated; a Frenchman,
standing; an American, pacing; an Irishman,
afterward.

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Date:    Fri, 4 Jun 1999 11:22:05 +0100
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Stupid Criminal Story #13

<bigger>               Police: Dopey duo blunder to jail


 By Steve Whipple, Eagle-Tribune Writer


 The two Lawrence men who robbed their own banks, used their own cars
and spent the money that wasn't splattered with red dye on a junket to
=46oxwoods Casino were arrested over the weekend.


 John Zito, 42, and Douglas Banks, 28, both of the Windsor House
rooming house at 248 Broadway, were arrested for unarmed bank robbery
for robbing three banks last week.


 Police say Mr. Banks has a $500- to $600-a-day heroin habit to
support, while Mr. Zito's habit costs $200 to $250 a day.


 Methuen Detective Thomas McMenamon said if stupidity were a crime,
''They'd be charged for it.''


 The arrests were a result of an anonymous tip from a person who saw
the two men's pictures in Friday's Eagle-Tribune, as well as a joint
effort by Methuen and Andover detectives and a heads-up from Salem,
N.H., police.


       Copyright=A9 1999 Eagle-Tribune Publishing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
</bigger>

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Date:    Fri, 4 Jun 1999 13:59:16 -0400
From:    Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Talented Octopus [mildly adult]

with many thanks to: Andy Grossman [SMTP:GROSSMAN@TREMCOINC.COM]

> A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a
> stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
> He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the
> crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc., but says that he will
> wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that theoctopus can't play!
>
> The first challenger walks up with a guitar. The octopus starts playing
> better than Jimi Hendrix. So the guy gets $50.
>
> Another challenger walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet
> better than Dizzie Gillespie, and the guy gets *another* $50!
>
> A third challenger walks up with a set of bagpipes. He sits them down and
> the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused
> look.
> "Ahha," the challenger exclaims, "can't you play it?!"
> The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it?  I'm going to screw it as
> soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off!!!!"

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Date:    Fri, 4 Jun 1999 23:00:41 +0200
From:    Alar The Joker <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: 5 years ago - What is a tape tree?

5 years ago this was a hot joke!
---
Date sent: Sat, 4 Jun 1994 13:42:05 EDT
From:      Bill <BEDWARDS@uga.cc.uga.edu>
Subject:   What is a tape tree? <You are putting me on humor>

Reposted From: narad@nudibranch.engr.sgi.com (Chuck Narad)

In article <145897@hydra.gatech.EDU>, you write:

> What is a tape tree?  I understand that it has to do with tapeing
> shows. How do you get on one. I would like to get involved in tape
> trading but am never able to make shows.
>
> - thomas kimberly

I'm glad you asked that question.  Tape trees are a little-known
deciduous variety in the nightshade family.  Various species have
been cultivated around the world for years, providing people with the
essential tapes for all aspects of their lives.  In scotland, for
example, farmers have bred tape trees to produce the familiar
"Scotch Tape" with the Transparent, Wide, and 2-Side species.

Duck hunters in the american midwest are of course quite familiar
with the Duck Tape tree; they harvest the fruits of this fine
spreading tree, open them with a hunting knife, and spread it on
the ground beneath the tree.  Unsuspecting ducks are attracted to
the gray strips, and look closely at them to see if there are any
bugs stuck to it (as they might find on a Fly Paper Bush).  The
tape sticks to the poor ducks' eyes, and they stagger in circles
around the tree until the hunters dispatch the feathered creatures in
the well-known "Duck Blind" ceremony.

As far afield as Papua New Guinea, tape trees have supplied other
ceremonial materials.  Who, for instance, can forget the riveting
spectacle of cannibal tribesmen covering their faces with "Masking
Tape" in last year's National Geographic special?

Musicians often carry an amulet containing the rare "Audition
Tape" that can be found only on Albino Climbing Casette Tape
vines.  Despite the lack of any evidence of this helping, many
aspiring musicians will refuse to leave home without it.

Farmer Max Points, in Dead Hollow, Michigan is of course credited
with the discovery of the Audio Tape tree, which emits a pleasing
snapping and hissing sound when the tape is peeled from the fruits
of this noble plant.  Even today people seek out Farmer Points,
and can often be heard to cry, "What happened to Max Points?"
when travelling through that fine state.

Getting on a tape tree is not as easy as it might seem, but getting
off of one is nearly impossible; powerful sap makes each branch a
death trap, and in the tape tree jungles of Brazil one can find the
mummified remains of many a budding "taper", as the tapefruit
harvesters are known in the local lingo.

Tape trading seems to be a harmless activity, and no home in
america is lacking at least a few varieties of the Common Scotch
varieties. Clubs exist to discuss and exchange tape samples, and
one can often find such interesting varieties as "Police Line, Do Not
Cross" tape at their events.

So next time you "tape up" a centerfold from that swedish art
magazine, pause a moment and reflect on how that little tree
affects so many aspects of your life.  I know I will.

Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet

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Date:    Fri, 4 Jun 1999 17:22:53 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Car Buyer (Pun)

        One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home
from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that
day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that
she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather,
time and aching muscles.

        She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets
the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she
replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has
something to do with hate or anger."

        The owner replies, "Well, let's see. Oh yes, you want a Plymouth
Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

        The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she
reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down
the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

        To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in
this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

        "No son, I want this color."

        "But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would
suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

        By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at
the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot.

        One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door,
notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was
so upset about.

        The secretary replies, "Apparently, . . .  Hale hath no Fury like the
woman's corn!"

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Date:    Fri, 4 Jun 1999 21:16:04 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: NAME THAT TUNE!!(aDULLT) <off to religious<

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the
manger.  One of
the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head
on the low doorway
as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
Joseph said, "Write
that down one, Mary; it's better than Walter."

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
     RAINY

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