Digest for Monday, June 07, 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 359 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Food Puns
- Cant Hold Water
- Email
- Little Johnny and the Teacher
- money from god
- Letting Go
- Patient Doctors! - Part 2/2
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Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 00:18:07 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Food Puns
We recently took a trip to Merrie Olde England, and we enjoyed it very
much. The service was good and the food was much better than we had
been told to expect.
We ordered at a small fish and chips shoppe in the English Midlands,
and we couldn't believe the size of the portion of fish that came. It
was unbelievably large and it was even more delicious. It was truly
wonderful, but how could they make money giving so much fish at so
reasonable a price?
An English friend explained it. . . . "It's the piece of cod which
passes all understanding."
We were so poor as children, we had very little to eat. One day my
mother sent me to the basement to find what I could for dinner. After
a long search, I came back with some beets.
This was not enough to feed our family of 6, so my mother sent me to
the attic to kill the family of seagulls who had moved in there. My
mother cooked the gulls and we waited for my father to get home from
work. As it got later, my mother put the cooked birds in the
refrigerator to keep until my father came home, as we always ate as a family.
When my father arrived late that evening we sat down to eat the skimpy
dinner, but first my father prayed over the food, . . . "God bless the
beets and the chilled wren."
May and her mother lived in California's beautiful Salinas Valley.
While most of the farmers grew grapes for wine, May had become quite
famous for the quality of her preserves.
One day, deciding to try something new, they bought a barrel of
kumquats and her mother began the preparation for boiling and sugaring
and the rest.
Finally, when her mother had everything all set, she called to her
daughter to tell her that her part of the work could begin. She called
out, . . . "Kumquat, May, we're ready"
A rare delicacy is Sauteed Sloth a la Dortmunder. Using the middle toe
of the great Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of that
large, furry, indolent creature, the careful chef debones it, pounds
it as with veal, and sautees it briefly over a hot flame with
shallots, carrot circles, and just a touch of Tabasco. Prepared in
this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course, not unlike alligator
in texture and taste.
Many people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a
good meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared.
It can only be sauteed, a la Dortmunder, a fact ill-appreciated in
culinary circles. . . . Too many cooks broil the sloth.
One day Mama Tomato, Papa Tomato, and Baby Tomato were taking a walk
in town. Now Baby Tomato was a distractible, mischievous sort, and try
as they might, they could not keep their son from dawdling and getting
into trouble. All of the sudden, upon leaving a store, Mama Tomato
looked around and to her dismay, Baby Tomato was gone! "Oh No!" she
cried, holding her arms up in dismay.
Papa Tomato soon found him standing in front of the candy store
window, mesmerized by all its tasty treats. Papa Tomato grabbed Baby
Tomato's arm and half dragged him back to his sobbing mother,
castigating him all way. Well, for any normal tomato this would have
been enough, but soon, Mama Tomato looked around, and once again,
could not spot her son. This time Papa Tomato found him in front of
the toy store, eyeing a shiny Hula-Hoop. This time Papa Tomato picked
him up and carried him bodily back to where his now-hysterical mother stood.
"If you lag behind one more time..." threatened the now-furious Papa
Tomato. But sure enough, once again, Mama Tomato looked around and
discovered that once again her son was missing. This time Papa Tomato
found Baby Tomato ogling the ice cream stand.
At this, Papa Tomato turned purple with rage, marched over to where
his son was and, unable to control his temper any longer, lifted up
his leg and stomped on poor Baby Tomato's head, yelling, . . . "Catch up!!"
Tarzan swings into the tree house after work and asks Jane if she has
prepared the martinis.
Jane says, "Oh Tarzan, we don't have any snacks to go with the cocktails."
Tarzan swings back out of the tree house into the forest and comes
across two Golden Finches which he catches in each hand and knocks
their heads together to kill them. He then returns to the tree house,
throws the birds on the table, and asks Jane, "Can we have dinner, now?"
Jane replies, "But Tarzan we have no meat for the main course."
Tarzan swings once again out of the tree house into the forest and
comes across a pair of chimpanzees and catches one in each hand and
knocks their heads together to kill them. Once again he swings back
into the tree house, throws the monkeys on the table, and asks Jane:
"Can we have dinner, now?"
Jane replies, "Tarzan, do we have to have . . . finch and chimps again?"
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup
du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitre'd that
there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait
in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says,
"Once upon time was four little pig"
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Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 06:22:37 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Can't Hold Water
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch
and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her, her drink she says "it's
my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink in
fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says "I guess I should
buy you a drink too."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of
water."
"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink the man to her
right says,
"Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I
might as well buy you one."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of
water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny you'll learn when you're my age you can hold
your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 07:10:11 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: E'mail
Top 10 reasons why e-mail is like a penis:
(10) Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
(9) Those who have it think that those that don't are somehow inferior.
(8) Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but think it's not
worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
(7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon
psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
(6) It's more fun when it's up but this makes it hard to get any real
work done.
(5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's
the only thing it should be used for but most folks today use it
mostly for fun.
(4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
(3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.
(2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot
of trouble.
And the number one reason why E-mail is like a penis....
(1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
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Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 07:26:01 -0700
From: Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Little Johnny and the Teacher
Esther Cohen was testing her 2nd grade class's imagination. She
put her hand in a box, removed something without the class seeing what
it was, put her hand behind and asked "Class I am holding something in
my hand, its round, red and is edible, what is it? Several hands went up.
Esther said, "Yes Robert".
Robert, "is it an apple?"
Esther replied, "No Robert, who else can try?"
Peter called out, "its an orange."
The young teacher said, "No."
James shouted, "it's a tomato!"
"Very good James, that's correct", the teacher answered.
Little Johnny's hand shot up as he said "Miss Cohen, I also want to test
the class's imagination"
Esther, reluctant to call on Johnny due to his propensity to use
foul language, said "okay, go ahead".
Johnny putting his hand in his trousers pocket says, "I am holding
something in my hand, its three inches long and has a head, what is it?"
The class was quite and no one had their hand up. The teacher thought quickly
and said in a disgusted voice, "Johnny sit down and keep quite, I don't
want any of your silly jokes."
Johnny, smiling removes his hand from his pocket and says, "it's a match
stick, Miss Cohen you have a lot of imagination."
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
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Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 19:35:02 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: money from god
A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but
nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the
$100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, USA,
they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so
impressed, touched, and amused, that he told his Secretary to send the
little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a
lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the
$5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending me the money, however, I
noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and as
usual those bastards deducted $95.00.
Steven
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Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1999 20:25:00 -0700
From: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Letting Go
LETTING GO
During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I
was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher,
was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy,
please don't go!" he kept repeating.
We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him,
said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."
Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a
calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."
Craig S. Kunishige in Reader's Digest
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Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 09:33:23 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Patient Doctors! - Part 2/2 <clean>
* Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might
as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with
your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very
bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
* A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,
unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and
handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a
doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
* "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
* Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just
five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work??? Dentist: I can extract
it very slowly if you like.
* Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses
help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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