Digest for Friday, July 02, 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 450 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Smart!
- House for sale
- 90s Definitions
- Independence Day
- DARTH VADER GIVES A COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS
- Humor - Weird Business News #16 (1st of 3)
- The Name (Pun)
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Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 04:01:28 EDT
From: PADLEOS@AOL.COM
Subject: Smart!
An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering
the same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to
his chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The
chauffeur expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
"I've got it!" said the astronomer. "You are bored with driving and I'm
weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It will be a
refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for
word and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway."
The driver agreed and the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night
the lecture hall filled to capacity. At the appointed time those in
attendance
heard a flawlessly delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked
in the euphoric applause. Then came the question and answer period.
"Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front.
"Uh... William Herschel." He remembered that from somewhere.
"And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy.
"Aaaa... that would be Clyde Tombaugh." He had read a little.
Then from the back: "Would you please comment on the relative merits of the
pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for the
explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?"
The speaker paused for a moment and then said, "I am surprised that you would
bother to ask me such a simple question. And to show you how simple it
really
is, I'll have my chauffeur answer it for you." >>
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Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 13:18:01 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: House for sale <typo resulting in an innuendo>
A friend from Chicago sent me this snippet that appeared on a
south suburban newspaper:
V I E W S
Spacious 1554 sq.ft. home with large lot, family room with
fireplace, huge dick for entertaining and enjoying the views, three
bedroom, 2 baths, central heat and air, views of city lights <snip
name and phone numbers of Estate Agents>
.... I understand the entertaining value, but how can one use it to
enjoy the views?
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Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 07:24:20 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: 90's Definitions
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
BEEPILEPSY: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper
goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by
physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of
speech in mid-sentence.
ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an
office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around
here."
CHIPS AND SALSA: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we
gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your
salsa."
DANCING BALONEY: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless
and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda
dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
DEPOTPHOBIA: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how
much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience
SHACKOPHOBIA.
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to
leave a company or department soon.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no
matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually
forgot what city we were in."
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J.
trials were a prime example.
MIDAIR PASSENGER EXCHANGE: Grim air-traffic-controller speak for a
head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges
are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."
PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and
Keyboard." Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've
submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the
clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid
questions.
Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on
his system."
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND: Another word for a computer. The victim of a
square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY: A salary (or project budget) that has seven
digits.
UMFRIEND: A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh..Dale,
my...um...friend..."
UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice
president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached
the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our
main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also
DECRUITMENT.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all of the
appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance,
the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves
simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command
key, the Return key and the Power On key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill
after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's
got is yuppie food stamps."
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Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 09:10:28 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Independence Day <adult>
[OK, so I'm sending this out a few days early, but I'm leaving
town for the long weekend, so it's my only chance.
This comes from Swiggy, from last years 4th of July... Hope
all you 'Merkins have a safe, but LOUD holiday! -- PBen ]
-------------------------------------------
Today is July 4. Citizens of the United States celebrate it for
being the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of
Independence: the document that lead to the American
Revolutionary War and the cutting of governmental ties to
the crown of Great Britain.
What is strange is that one of the most popular patriotic songs
of the new country it is believed to have been written by the British
Surgeon, Dr. Richard Schuckburg around 1758, during the
French-Indian Wars. Another belief is that British soldiers wrote,
or added to it, to degrade the American Colonists. Regardless,
one of the first, most patriotic, songs we Americans learn as a
small child revolves around degrading us.
While listening to NPR (National Public Radio) yesterday,
I heard a little history of the song, including the meaning of the
terms used. While the speaker told us that "Yankee" refereed
to a country bumpkin, she advised us that the term "Doodle"
had two meanings. The first definition she so quickly gave was
that Doodle refereed to a "Knothead" or "Knucklehead":
Someone not very bright. The second definition brought a
long-standing theory of mine into play: the word "Doodle" was
a slang term for penis. Looking at it from this stand-point, the
song was about one of two things:
A) A bunch of country bumpkins who were dickheads, or
B) A group of ne'er-do-wells that would never amount to anything
because we were too busy doing the "Yankee" on their "Doodles,"
or in blunt terms, they were calling the colonists a bunch of Jerk-offs!
By the time of the American Revolution, while the Brits were derisively
singing this song to scorn the colonists, the colonists developed what
would today be considered the 'New York Attitude': "We're a bunch of
jerk-offs: What of it?"
Yes, the anger swelled, and the song became a call to arms to remind
the colonists of the mis-treatments they had suffered at the hands of their
absentee government. The same theme that has followed several other
battles throughout the history of the United States was set into motion
way back then: "REMEMBER ----!"
"Remember the Alamo!" for the war of Texas Independence!
"Remember the Maine!" was the cry during the Spanish-American War!
"Remember Pearl Harbor!" was the rallying cry of World War II.
Yankee Doodle was the colonists way of saying, "Remember the
insults of the Crown!"
So remember, fellow Americans (And take note, non-Americans) that,
while the first patriotic song we learn as small children tells us we're a
bunch of high-falutin' jerk-offs, that song also tells how this rag-tag
group of pissed off people bound themselves together to beat the most
militarily powerful nation in the world!
Makes one wonder why the Boy Scout Handbook advises us
against doing it!
(c) Swiggy's Joke-A-Thon
***************************************
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Liberty is a well-armed lamb denying enforcement of the vote.
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little
temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
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Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 09:18:18 -0400
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: DARTH VADER GIVES A COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99... embrace the
Dark Side.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark Side would be
it. The
long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords
of The Sith,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own
meandering cruelty and conquests.
I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, never mind, you will
never
understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the
Empire
has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But trust
me,
in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall,
in a
way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how
fabulous
your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble.
Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.
Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real
troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your
twisted
mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on
some idle Tuesday.
Do in one Death Star officer every day.
Scheme.
Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey
yours.
Hate.
Don't waste your time on Storm troopers. They can't hit the broad side
of a barn.
The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your
idiot son.
Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whining of your
bratty
upstart farm boy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old light saber, but change your costume slightly with every
sequel.
Destroy.
Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.
The
most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their
victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still
don't.
Have plenty of minions.
Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe
he
won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and
assist
you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a
rebel
leader and marry a scruffy looking nerf herder.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate
yourself
either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.
Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or
what
other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a
planet is insignificant next to its power.
Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his
prophecies.
Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And
vulnerable.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be
your arch enemies.
Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage
and
the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.
Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should
keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in
geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more
you
will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.
Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot.
Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke.
Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.
Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial
Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do,
you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed,
the
Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.
Respect your Emperor.
Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in
to
his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll
whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and
saving his sorry butt.
Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful
than you could possibly imagine.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply
it,
or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it
is
a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off,
putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more
than
its worth.
But trust me on the Dark Side.
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Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 10:37:57 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #16 (1st of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Celebrate the red, white and weird
By JIM BARLOW
Time for a hot, sizzling slice of Weird Business News.
Our Let's Get Brown Award to Tanning Technology Corp. a consulting company
that specializes in online transaction processing and very large databases
-- and is not a tanning studio. The name comes from Larry Tanning,
co-founder of the company.
And speaking of names, let's all mourn the creation of the New Anaconda
Co. of Victoria. Why? Because it is the new name for a company formerly
known a Foureyes Holding.
Our Signs of the Times Award to the one found on the 2300 block of
Richmond: "Budda Bubba Thai BBQ Coming Soon." And thanks to reader Jim Kirk
for the info.
The Product of the Month Award goes to Sparktec Environmental of Stoney
Creek, Ore., for its pulsed power plasma sparker. It's designed to control
that pesky creature, the Zebra mussel, which infests water pipelines and if
left uncontrolled will eventually block water flow. Sparktec uses an
underwater spark plug to send a volt shock down the pipeline every 30 to 45
seconds, disrupting the lives of the critters and reducing their numbers.
Come of think of it, could be this product qualifies for the I Wouldn't Sit
On That Pipeline If I Were You Award.
The Best Service Award to PerPETuate Inc. For $1,000 -- plus a $100 annual
storage fee -- this company will take a genetic sample from a living or
dead pet. When science is ready, you may use the sample to clone Fido or
Fluffy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 18:52:10 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Name (Pun)
It is interesting how people arrive at the names to give children.
When one works in an orphanage, the problem becomes even more
difficult.
One young fellow from Arizona had a mixed parentage. The father, a
Hispanic National was a traveling salesman for one of the major
insurance companies, Kemper Life, though the mother would not give any
more information.
The mother was from a Native American tribe in Northeastern Arizona.
She called the boy Juan, after his father it was believed, and she
gave him up for adoption. She left it to the kind people at the
orphanage to take care of the baby, including completing his name.
Eventually they arrived at a name that tied together all of his roots.
People always bugged the child about his name, but he liked it. They
asked how he could put up with such a motley melange, but he would
stand tall and say with great pride, ... "I am Juan Hopi Kemper
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