Digest for Monday, July 05, 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 324 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Tight Fit
- Travelling Puns
- A Cat Diary
- Its A Wacky World! #70
- The Desert (Pun)
- A Fistful of Dollars
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Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999 13:09:36 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Tight Fit <Sexual inuendoes, off. to the British Royal family>
Sent by my mate in the UK. As usual, no authoring given, but I am
fairly certain that it was not written by Bruce Cameron. ;)
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,
surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had
forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic ensues until her sister remembered that she had a pair of
white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the
day.
Unfortunately, they were too small and by the time the festivities
were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward
withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting
her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and
they heard what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the
occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say
"G*d, that was tight!"
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the
other one."
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
"My G*d! That was even tighter!"
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
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Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999 07:51:06 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Travelling Puns
IN THE AIR...
* If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack,
don't yell out "Hi Jack!"
* Before an airline changes a procedure they have a pilot project to find
out if the idea will fly.
* Old skydivers never die, they're just more down to earth.
* Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's
just plane food.
RIDING THE RAILS -
* If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
* Every so often, railroad conductors have to go for retraining.
* A railroad engineer can't lose his train of thought or he might go down
the wrong track.
* On the old trains the engineer had a lot of esteem.
CRUISING THE OCEAN -
* If two people invest in a boat, it's a partner-ship.
* Captains of ships have a lot of latitude.
* Sailors like to seas opportunities.
* A sailor has ties to home but is knot there often.
HITTING THE HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS -
* When driving, Mickey Mouse sings cartunes.
* A guy who crashed his model T Ford was a T totaller.
* Those who work on reducing auto emissions go home exhausted.
* If you ride a bus, you have to pay your fare share.
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Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999 09:55:34 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Cat Diary
DAY 752 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of
the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this
on their bed.
DAY 762 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason
I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a
burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such
a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between
my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage....
DAY 774 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got
to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin
to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safeties
assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
^,,^< ^,,^< ^,,^< ^,,^<
Ginger Katz
(Thanks to Marc Whitney)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999 10:00:45 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World! #70
<fontfamily><param>Monaco</param><bigger>Japan Sells Bugs in Vending
Machines
By JOSEPH COLEMAN
.c The Associated Press
TOKYO (AP) - It's just like buying a soda. Put a couple of coins into
the vending machine, pull open a little door and the prize is in your
hands: a couple of live bugs.
A machine company in central Japan has brought technology and
convenience to the art of collecting beetles, one of the most
traditional summertime hobbies for Japanese children.
Kids used to troop into the mountains with nets to catch the prized
beetles and other insects. Nowadays, the rarest species can sell for
tens of hundreds of dollars in pet stores.
The Mirai Seiko company in Ogaki, 220 miles west of Tokyo, started the
beetle-selling season this year by converting a vegetable vending
machine to sell the sleek, black bugs.
The machine can hold up to 100 stag beetles, said Hirofumi Saeda, a
company official.
Bugs aren't the first unusual things to find their way into Japanese
vending machines, which sell anything from canned coffee to CDs, videos
and bottles of whiskey. The machines are everywhere - even on the
summit of Mount Fuji.
Mirai Seiko decided to get into the bug business when workers found
they were collecting lots of beetles with the mushrooms the company
harvests off trees during Japan's steamy, rainy summer.
Instead of throwing away the beetles, officials thought they might make
some money off them.
The beetles are on the cheap end: $3.35 a pair. The company has no
problem keeping the bugs alive in the machine - eager kids usually snap
up all the beetles soon after they go on sale.
It was a typical mob scene at the company store over the weekend when
this year's batch went on sale.
``They were all gone in two or three hours,'' Saeda said.
AP-NY-07-05-99 0957EDT</bigger></fontfamily>
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Date: Mon, 5 Jul 1999 15:53:44 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Desert (Pun)
There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been
separated from their unit and are lost. The've been wandering for
several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the
fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the
top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before
them.
Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but
as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they
eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to
the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert
for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon
unless you have some you can sell us. Tell us, do you have any
sustenance for us?"
The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, french
legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls
full of jelly,topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled
with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to
the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine
foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert
for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are
required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell
us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them embarressed, and confessed "Gentlemen,
tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to
life for which you ask me. All I have to sell is this large bowl of
jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundereds and
thousands of pieces of fruit and cake, with a little cocktail cherry
in the middle at the top, there," he said, pointing out the glace
cherry. "I cannot help you."
The legionnaires look at each other in desparation, and run on to the
next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look, mate," (cuz
they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll
die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now.
Do you have any you can sell us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he
confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly,
with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and
cake. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and
lingering death through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went
through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether
they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives,
but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a
bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of pieces
of fruit and cake.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the
desert market and walked off into the setting sun.
As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really
odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was
bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of
pieces of fruit and cake."
The other turned to face his companion and replied, ... "Yes, it was
a trifle bazaar."
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Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 09:27:47 -0400
From: chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM
Subject: A Fistful of Dollars <adult>
Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job ?".
"A Hundred Bucks".
"OK", he said and began to jerk off.
"What the hell are you doing that for?"
"For a hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy one,
do you ?"
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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