Digest for Tuesday, July 06, 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 289 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Totally Useless Facts
- How Long?
- 20 POINTS OF DIVORCE
- Its A Wacky World! #71
- Messages from God (religious)
- Paki, err Think-Tanks - Part 1/2
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Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 06:47:43 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Totally Useless Facts
You'll sleep better tonight knowing these things:
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why
Elvis' middle name was spelled Aaron; in honor of his brother.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane
crashes.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
If you keep a Goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed
people do.
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter in the English language.
The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start.
TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on
only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to
right or right to left.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
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Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 06:50:22 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How Long?
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his
corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided
to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly
discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a
fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow at
11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 08:55:20 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: 20 POINTS OF DIVORCE <adult>
Getting a divorce is a mixed bag, some good things and
some bad things. Here is a list to help you see both the
bright and the dark side of the institution of divorce......
10 BAD THINGS
------------------------
1. She gets half of everything but the bills
2. Without keeping your home just slightly warmer than
Satan's dominion, electric company no longer awards you
"Top Gigawatt User" status
3. No more weekly episodes of "Watch Her Butt Expand"
4. People less understanding when you're late to an event
5. Senseless accidental death of spouse would have been
a more romantic and fulfilling way to lose her
6. Belief in your ability to pick a "soul-mate" is shot to hell
7. Vacations can no longer be spent going to exotic
and exciting spots like her parent's home in Idaho
8. Now a woman crying can be caused by any number
of confusing reasons rather than the straightforward
"it's your fault" cause
9. Giddiness and joy of annual Dual-Income-No-Kids
tax rape merely a distant memory
10. Screwing your 17-year-old step-daughter wasn't
the cause of your marital difficulties
10 GOOD THINGS
---------------------------
1. Your divorce lawyer can afford a new car
2. "Friends" are now something you can have instead of
a TV-show you're forced to watch
3. No more nightly shrieking makes it easier to hear
a movie without turning up the volume
4. "My wife just left me" great for sympathy among other women-folk
5. Having a beer is no longer a high crime
6. Regain possibility of having sex
7. "Helpful" marriage counselor now free to actively destroy
someone else's relationship
8. Comforting may be done in person rather than
through a bathroom door
9. Quietly sitting through tired, cliched 'chick-flick' movies
may now be rewarded with sex
10. Luckily you never spawned freakish mutant children
that the bitch would have surely produced
Copyright 1999, Weld's Press
<http://www.welds.com/divorce.htm>
(via "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" [McHawlist])
*********************************************************
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
-- Mark Twain
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Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 09:59:15 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World! #71
<fontfamily><param>Monaco</param><bigger>Hot Dog Eating Champ Called
Cheat
.c The Associated Press
NEW YORK (AP) - A second-place finisher in an annual hot dog eating
contest says he was robbed of first place and the coveted Mustard
Yellow International Belt.
A news station's videotape showed the belt's eventual winner cramming a
frankfurter into his mouth just before the gun went off to start the
12-minute foodfest at Coney Island on Sunday.
Steve Keiner, a 317-pound electrical inspector from Egg Harbor
Township, N.J., won the Nathan's Famous eating spectacle by swallowing
20 and one-quarter hot dogs and buns.
Charles Hardy finished a bite or two behind, at 20 franks. He demanded
a Labor Day rematch after seeing a New York 1 tape of the event, which
clearly shows Keiner with his lips wrapped around a dog before the
start of the contest.
Contest organizers say that International Federation of Hot Dog Eating
rules don't permit National Football League-style tape reviews and that
Hardy should let sleeping dogs lie.
AP-NY-07-06-99 0737EDT</bigger></fontfamily>
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Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 11:09:43 -0400
From: Harter, Douglas <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Messages from God (religious)
The following is an advertising campaign which started in Florida and has
spread to other states. It was sponsored by an anonymous client. They are
religious oriented, but I think the humor in some of them is superb.
Let's Meet at My House Sunday Before the Game - God
C'mon Over And Bring the Kids - God
What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
We Need To Talk - God
Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer - God
Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To the Marriage - God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It - God
I Love You...I Love You... I Love You... - God
Will The Road You're On Get You to My Place? - God
Follow Me. - God
Big Bang Theory, You've Got to Be Kidding. - God
My Way Is The Highway. - God
Need Directions? - God
You Think It's Hot Here? - God
Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There will Be a Test. - God
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 09:25:04 -0400
From: chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM
Subject: Paki, err Think-Tanks - Part 1/2 <clean, off.>
How do you stop a Pakistani tank?
Shoot the men who are pushing it.
How do you disable a Pakistani tank?
Hide the wind-up key.
How do you disable Pakistani missiles?
Cut the rubber band.
Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name
change for the PAF. They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining
Corps. This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway.
Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the
enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles.
This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory.
Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?
Neither has Pakistan.
Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
It's a solar powered flashlight.
Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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