Digest for Wednesday, July 07, 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 438 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- OUTranking(aDULLT)
- Test Your Priorities
- Run Hillary, Run!
- Things Prison Guards Hate....
- FW: Tinky Winky
- Church...
- Indian life (offensive to Asian Indians)
- Riddle
- American History (Puns)
- Paki, err Think-Tanks - Part 2/2
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 04:37:33 -0500
From: RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: OUTranking(aDULLT)
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously
homosexual
male flight attendant.At one point, he bounced over to where I was
sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to
announce that he
will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just
put up your trays, that would be great."
I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me
did not.
A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and
said to her:
"Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary
engine, but
I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can
land
the plane."
She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and
asked her
again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am
called
a princess. I take orders from no one."
Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country,
I'm
called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:00:00 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Test Your Priorities
There are five things going on simultaneously which need to be taken
care of:
1. The telephone is ringing;
2. The baby is crying;
3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell;
4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to rain;
5. The water faucet in the kitchen is running.
In what order do you take care of the problems? Jot down the order you
chose. Answer below.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
========================================================================
TEST ANSWERS:
1. The phone represents your job or career.
2. The baby, your family.
3. The visitor, your friends.
4. The laundry, your sex life.
5. The running water, money or wealth.
How close did this test match your priorities in Life?
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:05:13 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Run Hillary, Run!
The hottest new political bumper sticker in New York State:
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put 'em on the rear bumper...
Republicans affix them to the front bumper.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 09:04:04 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Things Prison Guards Hate.... <adult>
THINGS PRISON GUARDS HATE !
-- Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.
-- Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them
was 100% steroids.
-- Coming up with one too many during a head count.
-- Having to break up a fight in the shower.
-- Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates
tie the knot.
-- Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
-- The fact that inmates get more cable channels than
you do at home.
-- Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks
wa-a-a-y too familiar.
-- Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex killer.
-- Finding a hole in your glove after completing a
body cavity search.
-- Learning that your mother just announced her
engagement to # 93A44274.
(via Ernie's House of Whoop Ass)
*********************************************************
He's so crooked he uses a corkscrew for a ruler.
-- Mae West
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 10:06:06 -0400
From: Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: FW: Tinky Winky
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Andy Grossman [SMTP:GROSSMAN@TREMCOINC.COM]
> Sent: Monday, May 03, 1999 9:12 AM
> To: bob.musat@tri-c.cc.oh.us
> Subject: Tinky Winky
>
> Falwell's work is far from over... Note the evidence below:
>
> FRED FLINTSONE
> --His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team is "Twinkle-toes Flintstone."
> --The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
> --He wears an orange dress with little triangles on it.
> --He hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
>
> BUGS BUNNY
> --Often stands with hand on hip.
> --Plays a hairdresser in one episode.
> --Frequently dresses in drag.
> --Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes
> with his "buddy" Daffy-who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.
>
> POPEYE
> --Eats lots of salad.
> --Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years.
> --Does little sailor-dances.
> --Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl.
> --Best friend named Wimpy.
>
> BATMAN & ROBIN
> --Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder.
> --Batman's real name: Bruce.
> --Both wear tights and hang out in a dark cave with an "older man."
> --They're in great shape.
> --They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."
>
> PEPPERMINT PATTY (from Peanuts)
> --Has a deep, gravelly voice.
> --Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals.
> --Plays a mean game of football.
> --Likes to taunt Charlie Brown.
> --Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie.
> --Wears comfortable shoes.
> --Nickname: Sir.
>
> THE PINK PANTHER
> --'Nuff said.
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 10:34:13 EDT
From: Robert Prieto <rprieto@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Church...
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church.
"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem. My husband keeps falling
asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I
do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion
to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in
the leg."
In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your
redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs.
Jones.
"God!", Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones
again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As
he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that
Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin
again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You
stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Liberty is a well-armed lamb denying enforcement of the vote.
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 09:19:55 PDT
From: Nauman Shahid <nshahid@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Indian life (offensive to Asian Indians)
Hear about the new Indian dildo?
It the Vibrating Vishnu. After, ahem, physical stimulation, you
can set on the bookshelf and pray afterwards.
Krishna's father stormed out of the house is a huff.
"What's wrong, pop?" Asked Krishna.
"Your mother has been charging me for sex -- 10 rupees."
Krishna trying to help, "Dad don't take that, she only charges me
3 cow patties and I get Dosai afterwards."
India has a new campaign to eradicate illiteracy, incest and general
backwardness. It is to be a top-down process. Starting first
with the PM and Parliament and wind it's way down to the general
population.
Did you hear about the new Indian Condo Complex. Finally ultra modern
living for the discriminating Indian abroad. It is a loft in
downtown Jersey City, currently only fifteen programmers are sharing
the space, there is still room for another twenty.
_______________________________________________________________
Get Free Email and Do More On The Web. Visit http://www.msn.com
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 23:34:24 +0300
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Riddle
How does the friar open the door of the abbey?
With a monkey.
ariel:)
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Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 20:49:34 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: American History (Puns)
Colonial Criminal
When the settlers first came to what was to eventually become the
United States, some of them (in fact most) had been outlaws and
convicted criminals in England before relocating here. And as such,
old habits were difficult to overcome.
In fact, one of the first guys here spent most of his time as a
prisoner because he could not stop stealing sheep. Finally one of the
other former prisoners designed a number of different devices that
could be used to "influence" him to discontinue this wicked habit.
This man invented pillories, and all kinds of prisoner holding
devices.
Finally he made them available in his initial public offering, ...
the stock market. (By David Youngs)
Chicken soldiers
Generally, I find that people do not have a great deal of respect for
the beneficial effects of poultry in our society. This is a shame,
because we could go on and on about our feathered friends and what
they have done for us. For example, during the American revolution,
the colonists used hens to sniff out red-coat sympathizers. Thus, was
born ... chicken catch a Tory.
The Sailor
A historical footnote turned up the origin of the name of a bay that
became famous during the War of 1812. When a British ship sailed into
the bay, the captain, fearing attack from the shore, ordered his crew
to squat below the gunwales. All but one curious sailor obeyed.
"Get down!" the captain barked at him.
"Oh please, Captain!"' the man begged, . . . "Chesapeake!
Chesapeake!"
Go West, Young Man
The golden spike had been driven, thereby , indicating the completion
of the first transcontinental railway. Now, it would be possible to
enter a train on the East Coast and travel directly to the West Coast.
Several different companies joined in enthusiastic competition for
passengers to ride from the New York to San Francisco.
However, they had not counted on one complication, the company that
made the passenger cars had manufactured the seats with those
skinny-bunned Continentals in mind. Most of the American passengers
found the seats too small. Their seats would not fit in the seats, so
to speak.
The railroad companies were forced to counter the financial and
public relations disaster with the soon-to-be-famous disclaimer posted
in all New York railroad stations ... "No West for the Reary!"
Family Tree
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had
come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and
Wall Street wizards. Now they decided to compile a family history, a
legacy for the children. They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose----how to handle that great-uncle who was
executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle that
chapter of history tactfully.
The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair
of applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached to his position by the strongest of ties and ... his death
came as a real shock."
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Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 09:44:29 -0400
From: chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM
Subject: Paki, err Think-Tanks - Part 2/2 <clean, off.>
Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.
How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
Put it in water.
Did you hear about the 747 jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies. [Yeah, this
Polish rule applies to them too ;-)]
Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.
Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside
a theatre?
They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".
Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash?
The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.
Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses?
They get it from chasing parked cars.
Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for five days?
He was scheduled to take a urine test.
And the best for last...
Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library?
Somebody stole the book!
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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