Digest for Sunday, August 01, 1999

There are 5 messages totalling 198 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Dressing In The Dark
  2. Humor - Weird Business News #17 (1st of 3)
  3. The Poultry Farmer (Pun)
  4. Its SHOWtime!!
  5. Falling (pot. off. to relgion) 


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Date:    Sun, 1 Aug 1999 07:37:18 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Dressing In The Dark

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was
relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2
in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark,
crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife
sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the
all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a
splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he
got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Sun, 1 Aug 1999 12:33:56 -0500
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #17  (1st of 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                        Strange doings in business arena.

 Tis a new month. Which means it's time to once again look at the things
people do in search of a buck. Yep, it's Weird Business News.

 Our Best Stock Symbol Award this time to Schlotzsky's, the Austin-based
sandwich shop chain. You can find its price on the Nasdaq listings under
BUNZ.

 The Best Millennium Event for Elvis Fans -- the 1999 Millennium Elvis Week
Aug. 8 through 16 at Memphis, in which Elvis will be recognized -- albeit
by the people who make and sell his records -- as the "Artist of the
Century."

 Our It Sounds Dirty Even If It Isn't Award to Douglas R. Nappi, a vice
president for government relations at the New York Stock Exchange. Nappi
was complaining about those who hack into sites that provide stock quotes
without paying for the service. Nappi calls it "quote sucking."

 The One Million and One Uses for Duct Tape Award to former astronaut and
U.S. Sen. John Glenn. In a recent speech in Avon, Ohio, Glenn revealed that
astronauts have used the tape in space. Most common use -- taping trays to
flat surfaces so their food is easier to eat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Sun, 1 Aug 1999 20:01:45 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Poultry Farmer (Pun)

        My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had
several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters
whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

        My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform
well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of
time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a
different tone he promptly bought them.

        He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell
wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each
rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.

        Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency
report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the
bells and marking down each encounter.

        My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he
was and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had
his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

        Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No
Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

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Date:    Sun, 1 Aug 1999 17:10:01 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: It's SHOWtime!!

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and
was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that
she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green
grass
and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat
weird
looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, ...

"Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a cow."

"Right, right. What do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool."

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to

it.  ...

"Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh, right.  What do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly
like her without the stripes.  She ran over to it and said, ...

"Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
     RAINY
 h

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Date:    Mon, 2 Aug 1999 01:50:32 -0400
From:    Greg (|:o) <wiffles@SUPERIOR.NET>
Subject: Falling (pot. off. to relgion)

                     FALLING DOWN
               ________________________

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in
his parish who kept confessing adultery.  One Sunday, from
the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to
adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well,
until the priest died at a ripe old age.  About a week after
the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks
in town.  When people come to the confessional, they keep talking
about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the
new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing
finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing
about! Your wife fell three times this week."

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