Digest for Monday, August 02, 1999

There are 6 messages totalling 232 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Been There?
  2. Ethnic Jokes
  3. Safety at Night
  4. Mean-spirited comment & questions about contemporary life
  5. Humor - Weird Business News #17 (2nd of 3)
  6. Amercan Hyperbole 


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Date:    Mon, 2 Aug 1999 07:15:26 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Been There?

Another Golf Challenge.


A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.As he was about
ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system. "Will the gentleman on the
ladies tee please move back to the men's tee".

He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again-
"Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!!

He looked back at the starters shack and said, "Will the man on the p.a. shut
up so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his second shot".
(Thanks to Steve Kilbride)


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Mon, 2 Aug 1999 10:15:55 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult, off.>

A band at an Italian wedding decided to take requests.  Nunzio
walks up and asks "Uh, do youse guys know da song "Strangers
in da Night"?
The band leader says, "Sure, we know that one."
Nunzio says, "Hey! Dat's great!  But I got just one favor... could
youse play it in 5/4 time?"
"Isn't it played in 4/4 time?"  the band leader asked.
"Yeah, but dis here's a special occasion, know whut I mean?"
The band discusses amongst themselves, till the leader turns
and says "I don't think we'll have any problems."
Nunzio turns and yells out "Hey Uncle Vinnie!  C'mon up here
and sing!"
Uncle Vinnie walks up to the mike as the band begins the intro,
and then starts to sing, "Strangers in da fuckin' night..."
      --------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross two black people?
A: Your ass kicked....
      --------------------------------------
Q: What's a traditional form of self defense based on talking
      one's way out  of a tight spot?
A: Jewdo.
      --------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell that the kid who stole your bike is half black
       and half Polish?
A: He's running down the street with the bike under his arm.
      --------------------------------------
Q: How does INS classify legal Mexigan immigrants?
A: As Canadians.
      --------------------------------------
Q: What's the hardest thing to explain to a Jew about football?
A: That a quaterback isn't a tax refund.
      --------------------------------------
Q: How does a Frenchman hold his liquor?
A: By the ears.
      --------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Polish car pool?
A: They all meet at work.
      --------------------------------------
Jewish dilemma:
     Free PORK!
      --------------------------------------
Q:  Why are black people so tall?
A: Because their knee grows.
      --------------------------------------
Knock, knock...
     Who's There?
Polish burglar....
      --------------------------------------
Q: How do you lose a Jewish cop?
A: Drive through a tollbooth.
      --------------------------------------
If a Parisian falls off a bridge, does he go in Seine?

******************************************
Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure.
     -- Portuguese Proverb

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Date:    Mon, 2 Aug 1999 10:28:14 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Safety at Night

  This is from a Canadian colleague, Terry Kuny:

 If you want to be safe on the streets at night,
 carry a projector and slides of your last vacation.

                             - Helen Mundis

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Date:    Mon, 2 Aug 1999 15:21:51 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Mean-spirited comment & questions about contemporary life

In the morning I pour coffee in my travel mug and drink about half of
it on my way to work. In the afternoon it is still piping hot. Ain't
summertime great.

I don't worry about Bill Clinton any more, but those 47 million people
who voted for him in 1996 scare me. They'll still be around long after
Bill is gone.

A gentleman always remembers a lady's birthday, but never her age.

I hope no one else famous dies for a few months. I don't think we can
take much more of this.

I did not go to Woodstock `69, but I wish I had. I did not go to
Woodstock `99 and I am glad I didn't.

Take it from me, I work at a Waffle House, and, Yes, there are many
hungry drunks after midnight.

They've already spent millions looking for Eric Rudolph, so why
wouldn't the FBI just fork out another $39.95 to that company that
"guarantees" it can find anyone in the U.S.?

My weight control specialist got offended when I told him he was the
best fat doctor in the city.

I'll never trust a beauty shop that has no mirrors.

Maybe if I could talk to Eleanor Roosevelt's ghost, I could be as
smart as Hillary.


Source: The Vent column http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/

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Date:    Mon, 2 Aug 1999 15:11:40 -0500
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #17  (2nd of 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                            Teething problem

 Our Public Service Award to Friendly Systems of Irving. It was recently
convicted in federal court in Aberdeen, S.D., of selling pesticides, which
were supposed to be used to sanitize floors and silverware, to a Head Start
program as a toothbrush disinfectant.

 Our Plain Speaking Award to Compaq Computer for its announcement "that is
has exceeded its ASCI (Accelerated Strategic Computering Initiative)
PathForward phase one goals by successfully completing the first of three
supercomputers-from-commodity-parts demonstrations ... Using 128 dual
processor AlphaServer DS200 Systems, Tru64 UNIX, and Quadtrics switch
technology, the Alpha-based supercomputer surpassed PathForward goals for
all memory bandwidth, process latency and performance scaling across all
256 processors."
 The Have They Tried Prozac Award to Party411.com, a party and
event-planning site on the Internet. To help their customers overcome the
anxieties of planning events, they have added advice on the site from Dr.
Sonya Friedman, a psychologist who has given advice on CNN and ABC
TalkRadio.

 Advice from Lewis H. Lapham, editor of Harper's Magazine, on getting
ahead: "Flattery (is) comparable to suntan lotion or moisturizing cream. It
cannot be too often or too relentlessly applied. The novice careerist might
think that very important people (movie stars, corporation presidents,
secretaries of state, etc.) grow tried of hearing themselves praised. This
presumption is false. Important people listen to little else except praise,
and they tend to regard all other forms of speech as un-American."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Mon, 2 Aug 1999 17:16:37 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Amer'can Hyperbole

----from    Copeland, Lewis (Ed.) "The World's Best Jokes," Garden
        City, New York: Garden City Books, 1936.

_________________________
                        WESTERN WHOPPERS
    Boasting of the farms in the Dakotas, a native said:
    "We have some farms out our way that are pretty good size. I've seen
a man on one of our big farms start out in the spring and plow a straight
furrow 'till fall.  Then he harvested back. And that's not all.  It is the usual

thing to send young married couples out to milk the cows, and their child-
ren come back with the milk."

    The guide in Yellowstone Park, when asked why he was lacking the
first finger on his right hand, answered:
    I've been a guide, man and boy, for twenty-five years, and I just natu-
rally wore the finger off pointing out places of interest to inquisitive
tourists.

    But the following description of a Kansas bumper corn crop just about
wins the prize:
    "A boy in southern Kansas climbed a cornstalk to see how the sky and
clouds looked and that stalk grew so fast that the boy couldn't climb down.
The boy was clear out of sight.  Three men took the contract for cutting
down the stalk with axes to save the boy from a horrible death by starva-
tion, but the stalk grew so rapidly that they couldn't hit twice in the same
place.  The boy lived on green corn alone and threw down over four bushels
of cobs.  The boy might have been pushed up so high that he would have
frozen to death if he hadn't been rescued by an airplane.       (Pp 95-96)
------------------------------------------------------------

Heard on National Public Radio this morning:

    "Today begins National Psychic Week...
        but then, you knew that."

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