Digest for Wednesday, August 04, 1999

There are 7 messages totalling 332 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Shorties
  2. AIDS
  3. Classified Ads (!?)
  4. Brucie
  5. The Poultry Farmer and Wallpaper (Puns)
  6. XXX Astronomy
  7. Good ol Albert 


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Date:    Wed, 4 Aug 1999 06:56:06 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Shorties

After seeing how Disney is doing financially, I was wondering if I could
get the Southern Baptists to boycott my company.

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a
psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it
worries him.

Of course I tip my waiters, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.

When I told my 5-year-old this morning that I loved him, he replied,
"Now what did you do wrong, Papa?"

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

My wife wanted a change of scenery, so I showed her the kitchen.

While I was out of town, burglars broke into my apartment, but they didn't
take anything.... It really hurt my feelings.

If the Republicans were really serious about saving us money, they'd adjourn
Congress as soon as the President signs the budget. Don't count on it.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Wed, 4 Aug 1999 13:48:51 +0300
From:    Felix Chirciu <felix@ZIUA.RO>
Subject: AIDS <bad language, off. to ill people>

Two amish men meet on the street.

"Yo fella." says the first. "Heard ya got AIDS lately. Ya gonna gimme some
of that AIDS, won'cha?"

The other fellow starts thinking as fast as he can. "If I tell him I dunno
what that son-a-bitch AIDS is, he's gonna think me stupid or so. Not good.

"If I tell him I won't give, he's gonna say me cheap. Or worse, maybe beat
the shit outa poor me. Not good either.

"So I take it I should give'im a parry answer."

He turns to the first fellow and says,

"Yo man. I'd give you some AIDS, only if I wouldn't have just a bit left
of it, on the bottom."


-----
Felix

"Shhhh.... be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits!"

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Date:    Wed, 4 Aug 1999 07:38:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Classified Ads (!?)

 Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.

 For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
 chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

 Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

 Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
 take home, too.

 We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

 No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
 really repellent.

 Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

 Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.

 Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
 Automatically burns toast.

 Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
 of women wear nothing else.

 Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

 Man, honest. Will take anything.

 Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business and
 be willing to get hands dirty.

 Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
 beating.

 Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

 Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
 go anywhere again.

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Date:    Wed, 4 Aug 1999 10:12:22 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Brucie <adult, off. to gays>

Brucie is in a bar on all fours, trying to pick up some money
he dropped.
A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot
up the ass!"
Brucie looks around, smiles, winks at the guy and says coyly,
"I think you're bragging matey, but I'll give yer a fair go at it...
I'm always game if you are..."
     --------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a gay male with diarrhea?
A: Juicy fruit!
     --------------------------------------------------
Two gay guys were eating in a restaurant and had rice pudding
for dessert.
The first one said, "Mmm, that was good!"  and asked the waiter
for another serving.
The waiter turned to kitchen and said, "Joe, come again on the
rice pudding."
The second gay says to the first,, "See, I told you!!"
     --------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the most popular lesbian pick-up line?
A: "Your face, or mine?"
     --------------------------------------------------
A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as
Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in,
a horde of reporters surrounded him and began asking him
questions on how he won.
A young reporter walked up to him and said, " Mr. Mayor,
I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign
to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots
of babies... I even heard that you kissed a parakeet. "
The Mayor replied, "That's right young man, I brought the
campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point,
I did not kiss a parakeet... I kissed a Cockatoo."
     --------------------------------------------------
Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened
to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.
"Can I see it?" asked the second homosexual, so the first
promptly dropped his pants to show off his cock.
"Oooh," squealed his friend, "you look ten years younger!"
     --------------------------------------------------
Two gays are walking down Market street in San Francisco
when they spot a stud muffin coming their way.
"I hear he is a great fuck," says one.
"No shit?" says the other.
"Well," replies the first, "just a little once in a while."

************************************************************
"Well, I might have loved boys too; but girls are what I prefer.
   If I tire of one as a girl, I can still use her as a boy."
     --  J. W. von Goethe, Venetian Epigrams (c. 1786)

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Date:    Wed, 4 Aug 1999 09:37:38 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Poultry Farmer and Wallpaper (Puns)

        My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had
several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters
whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

        My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform
well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of
time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a
different tone he promptly bought them.

        He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell
wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each
rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.

        Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency
report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the
bells and marking down each encounter.

        My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he
was and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had
his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

        Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No
Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise. (By Kieth Martin)




        It seems that Arthur S. Nob, the noted painting collector, had a
bright idea one day. He thought that if he got an artist to paint some
herd animals and have them printed up on 8"x10" stock, he could paper
the wall of his den with multiple repeated images and create the
illusion that there was a large herd outside a window, thus giving the
illusion of space in the room.

        He hired his favorite brushslinger, C. Ommon Hak, to carry out his
wishes. When the painting was complete, he was astounded. At least a
dozen large wildebeest roamed the african scene on a large canvas.

        Art gleefully rushed to the print shop, where Wysiwyg "Pro" Cessor
did print jobs for many artists. "Whiz" looked at the canvas and
asked: "Do you want me to shrink the painting down to 8x10?"

        Realizing his mistake, Art sighed. "No," he replied, "they would be
too small to identify." "Cut out the best 8x10 section and use that,
and get as many of the critters as possible onto it without cutting
any parts off 'em."

        A week later Art went back to the shop to pick up his new wallpaper.
He shrieked his dismay when he looked at the top copy. "What's the
problem?" the printer inquired. "there are only two wildebeest on
this!" moaned Art. "I wanted more!"

        "Hey, man, I'm sorry" replied Wysiwyg. "I did the best I could, and
this is: ... All the Gnus that fit the print!" (By Bob the Bookman)

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Date:    Wed, 4 Aug 1999 14:23:11 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: XXX Astronomy

    Now, you just new they use them telescopes for naughty things...

jhm

Subject:
          mini-AIR July 99 -- XXX-Astronomy
     Date
          Sat, 31 Jul 1999 16:47:14 -0400 (EDT)
    From:
          Marc Abrahams <marca@chem2.harvard.edu>

-----------------------------------------------------------
1999-07-09      Triple-X Astronomy

Having trouble getting your research published? Investigator James
W. Barrett has received a brochure soliciting contributions to the
Elsevier journal "Astroparticle Physics." The brochure says,

        "If you are interested in submitting your paper and
        unprintable items to "Astroparticle Physics", please contact
        us..."

Inspired by this, Barrett has become the founding editor of a new
AIR-affiliated scientific publication titled "Journal of XXX-Ray
Astronomy."
The new journal will print only non-paper items (when we
figure out what those are) and, on rare occasions, printable
items. To submit items for publication, fire them off to:

        J.W. Barrett, editor
        Journal of XXX-Ray Astronomy
        c/o Chandra X-Ray Observatory
        PO Box 86
        Inclination: 28.5 degrees
        Perigee altitude: 10,000 kilometers
        Apogee altitude: 140,000 kilometers
        Ascending node: 200 degrees
        Argument of perigee: 270 degrees
        Postal Code 300000000
        Solar System

Please include two photocopies and a self-addressed, stamped
return vehicle.



1999-07-23      Our Address (*)

Annals of Improbable Research (AIR)
PO Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 USA
617-491-4437 FAX:617-661-0927

EDITORIAL: marca@chem2.harvard.edu
SUBSCRIPTIONS: air@improbable.com
WEB SITE: http://www.improbable.com/


---------------------------
1999-07-24      Please Forward/Post This Issue! (*)

Please distribute copies of mini-AIR (or excerpts!) wherever
appropriate. The only limitations are:
A) Please indicate that the material comes from mini-AIR.
B) You may NOT distribute mini-AIR for commercial purposes.

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(c) copyright 1999, Annals of Improbable Research
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Date:    Wed, 4 Aug 1999 16:12:26 -0600
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Good ol' Albert

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."

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