Digest for Friday, August 06, 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 476 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Eye popping experience
- Underground(of to religous)
- A Horse Tale
- They simply couldnt contain themselves
- Signs That Youre Getting Old(er)
- Limericks
- (1) Drain Bamage & (2) Prison
- When Bloopers were Boners
- Telling Time
- Frank and the Preacher
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Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 22:55:39 -0800
From: Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Eye popping experience
Eye-Popping Experience
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous woman
eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night but lacks the
nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying
out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of
the air. "Oh my god, I'am soooorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back
in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites
him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks
him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning.
When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all
the trimmings. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are
you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
Steven
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Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 01:50:03 -0500
From: RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: Underground(of to religous)
Bill Clinton, last week, was dismayed by the errors being made by the
CIA
and
FBI. He called in the directors and asked, "How come Israel knows
things we
don't know. How come the Jews here know things we don't know?" Freeh
called
in Moe Katz, an undercover agent, and he told Clinton, "We have a code.
We
ask "Vos titzach?" -- what's happening? -- and we share the
information."
Clinton orders a disguise. He puts on a caftan and shtreimel, a beard
with
payess and scuffed black shoes. They fly him in a stealth fighter to
McGuire
airbase in New Jersey and put him in an old, dented station wagon with
an
elderly Hassid driver. He is dropped off in Boro Park and approaches a
man
dressed as he is. "Vos titzach?" Clinton asks."Shhh," the man replies,
"Bill
Clinton is in Brooklyn."
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
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Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 06:58:22 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Horse Tale <A Spooneristic Pun>
Once there was a horse that was in agony. Several birds were
building nests in his mane and nothing he did would make
them stop. The noise and activity were driving the horse
crazy. So, he decided to see the wise old owl for help.
The old owl told him to go home and put some yeast in his
mane and all would be well. The horse thought this was a
bit nutty, but out of desperation, he did what the owl
told him.
The next morning the mane was completely clear of nests.
The very surprised horse trotted excitedly to the owl's
house.
When asked why the yeast worked, the owl replied, "Horse,
don't you know that yeast is yeast and nest is nest and
never the mane shall tweet?"
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 13:01:25 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: They simply couldn't contain themselves <adult>
Came across this snippet on a local (South African) newspaper:
Mail & Guardian - Johannesburg, 5 August 1999
BLOEMFONTEIN COUPLE FILMED HAVING SEX IN LIFT
A hidden surveillance camera caught a couple having
sex in the lift at a Bloemfontein government building on
Wednesday, SABC radio news reported. The passionate couple,
apparently unaware that Big Brother was watching them from a
hidden camera, couldn't wait until they got home, much to
the astonishment of several security guards watching the
video feed several floors below. The fate of the couple and
their raunchy video material has yet to be decided.
...giving a new meaning to "Going down?"
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Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 07:20:11 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Signs That You're Getting Old(er)
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the
other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every
man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start
confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun
to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to
enjoy.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only
thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a
laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through
Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it
started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't
know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and
you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that
you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
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Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 08:22:24 -0400
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Limericks <adult>
A lissome psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she, "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun if I were sane."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And in his depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my how his practice has grown!
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
A modest young girl named Oola,
Once donned a grass skirt to dance Hula,
A cow ate the grass,
Exposing her ass,
Now she's no longer modest but coola.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
A young trapeze artist named Bract,
Is faced by a very sad fact.
Imagine his pain,
When again and again,
He catches his wife in the act.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
There was a young man of Seattle,
Who bested a bull in a battle.
With fire and gumption,
He assumed the bull's function,
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
There once was a man from Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand,
But just look at my hand;
You ain't wipin' as clean as you used ta."
via Original Sins
*************************************
"Screw you guys, I'm going home."
-- Eric Cartman
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Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 10:54:19 -0400
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: (1) Drain Bamage & (2) Prison
This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text,
while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.
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Content-ID: <Pine.GSO.3.96.990806091436.13H@grits>
College Football.... Well Duh...
The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can
you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who
proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can
run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine
seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. "Great!" shouted the coach.
"But can you pass a football?" The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated
for a few seconds... "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can
probably pass it."
-------
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from
their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound
downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding
her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the
basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall,
crying. She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were
16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent
away to prison for the next 20 years."
Baffled, she said, "Yes."
The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."
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Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 17:49:01 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: When Bloopers were Boners
I'm sure most HUMORists are familiar with Richard Lederer's
wonderful collection of student bloopers garnered from exams and
papers he has graded over the years. If you have not seen this
collection, go to any WEB searcher and type in "student bloopers"
and you'll get a reference.
But, the idea of collecting funny statements from students goes
back long before Mr. Lederer started his work. Witness these
"Boners" from earlier in the 20th century. Jim Mica
----from Copeland, Lewis (Ed.) "The World's Best Jokes," Garden
City, New York: Garden City Books, 1936. (Pp. 295-303)
___________________________________________
BONERS
To keep in good health, inhale and exhale once a day, and do
gymlastics.
The sacred chickens of the Romans were Vestal Virgins. (+)
Oboe: an American tramp. (An English definition)
An optimist is a doctor who looks after your eyes. A pessimist is
one who attends to your feet.
A papal bull was a ferocious bull kept by the Popes to trample on
Protestants.
The dodo was a bird the size of a pigeon that is wholly distinguished
now.
A litre is a lot of newborn puppies.
Nitrogen is not found in a free state. It has been discovered in England
but not in Ireland.
Rotation of crops is so that they can get the sun on all sides.
Seats of Congressmen are vaccinated every two years.
The hardships of Puritans were what they came over in.
Natural immunity is catching a disease without the aid of a physician.
The Acropolis of Athens contained the Parthian, the Erectum, and the
Esophagus, a temple to the war-god.
The Crusades was trips to drive the turkey out of the Holy Land.
A mammal is an animal that succors its ancestors.
Skylark is the leading character in Shelley's Merchant of Venice.
Samuel Johnson was a hypodermic, who did not have real diseases
but only thought he had.
Edison is the inventor of the phonograf and the indecent lamp.
Beowulf suckled Uncle Remus and his brother who founded Rome.
Mercury was the god of weather, because he is found in
thermometers.
The Romans prosecuted the early Christians because they disapproved
of gladiola fights and would not burn insects before the statue of
the emperor.
The chief invention in Egypt was dams to irrigate the Nile.
Cleopatra died when an ass bit her.
An omelet is a charm worn around the neck in India.
Martyr is the Latin for mother.
The Moratorium is the largest ocean liner.
Fiction are books which are fixed to the shelves and cannot
be removed.
__________________________________________
(+) There were several of these bloopers which went beyond my ken.
Any suggestions on this one? --jhm
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Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 17:58:01 EDT
From: Robert Prieto <rprieto@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Telling Time <adult>
A cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he came to a clearing.
There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
The cowboy says, "Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?"
The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It
2 o'clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"
The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian
laying on a blanket. Don't tell me....you're telling time also?"
Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
The cowboy says, "Okay smartass, what time is it?"
The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4
o'clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking.
A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.
"Don't tell me you are telling time!!??"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Liberty is a well-armed lamb denying enforcement of the vote.
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
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Date: Fri, 6 Aug 1999 18:25:05 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Frank and the Preacher
PREACHER
Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting
hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a Southern
Baptist preacher was making his weary way home. As he traveled the
hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was
weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing
manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the
car as belonging to a member of his congregation. "Oh no," said the
preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The
way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up
beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself." Putting thought
to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for
the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep
bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a
large pine tree.
Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and
staggered back to a point above the preacher's car. Fortunately, the
preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed
had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the
wrecked car, he yelled, "Who the hell are you?"
The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that."
"My God preacher, that you?"
"Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in
vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk."
"You OK preacher?"
"Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me."
"You better let him ride with me. Way you drive, you gona kill him."
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