Digest for Thursday, September 02, 1999
There are 12 messages totalling 674 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Cat Flaps
- Fire and Football
- Useful Phrases at Work
- My Warning to Friends
- NASA & Inverse Logic (Puns) (Adult Language)
- A GREAT list! Check it out!
- The Irish Bull
- The Thangs U lEARN HBO no..no no..! HMO
- Country Songs
- Twas the nite before...
- Learning to Drive
- More Blondes
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 12:10:35 -0400
From: chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM
Subject: Cat Flaps <clean-ish>
Who says Germans have no sense of humour?
The following is from the Big Issue:
"One of the primary reasons cat flaps are called cat flaps is that they're
flaps specifically designed for cats, as opposed to dogs, or giraffes, or
humans. All of this became abundantly clear to teenager Jason Evans, of
Eastleigh, Hampshire, when he recently spent six hours stuck in one after
using it in an attempt to get into his house. He was eventually cut free by
firemen. In Germany, meanwhile, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his
front-door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece
of installation art. Mr Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because
he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student
pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright
blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying
'Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'.
Passers-by assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only
when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I
kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good!
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 06:30:59 -0400
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Fire and Football
A football player passes a burning building, and sees a young woman and her
baby hanging out the window. The football player stops and yells to the
woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"
The woman responds, "I can't throw my baby to you, I don't know you!"
"It's okay", shouts the football player, "I'm in the NFL, I can catch
anything!"
The woman yells out "OK!" and drops the baby from the top floor. Just as it
reaches about 50 ft. from the ground, a gust of wind grabs the baby and sends
it
flying. The football player chases after it, desperately stretching,
trying to
catch the baby.
By this time quite a crowd has gathered. The baby is falling towards the
ground.
Can he make it? The football player dives, and makes the catch!
The crowd goes wild!!!
The football player gets up, yells "All Right!!!", starts dancing...and
spikes
the "ball"!
(Thanks to Tom Primerano)
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 07:06:31 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Useful Phrases at Work
This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text,
while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.
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I particularly like no. 16.
**********************************************************************
Can you identify yourself or your co-workers in any of these?
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
2. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
3. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
4. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
5. Ahhh ...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
6. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
7. How about never? Is never good for you?
8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
9. I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
10. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
11. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
12. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
13. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
14. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of bad Karma to burn off.
15. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
16. No, my powers can only be used for good.
17. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
18. You sound reasonable.....time to up my medication.
19. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
20. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
21. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
22. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
25. It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level I'm
really quite busy.
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 08:15:07 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: My Warning to Friends
I have created a distribution file so that I can send various jokes to
friends and colleagues. Some of these are female and, with tongue-in-cheek,
I distributed the message below to the good people who will receive the
jokes.
>From: UMEM::POURCIAU "Les Pourciau at UMem" 1-SEP-1999 19:31:12.75
>Subj: A Humor Distribution Policy Matter
>As I send various jokes to you, I will sometimes add [adult] to the subject
>line. This will indicate that the subject matter of the particular joke I am
>sending is of an "adult humor" variety and, if you think you might be offended
>by such, you should delete the message immediately! Of course, I am very much
>aware that saying such to a woman is approximately equivalent to saying to my
>dog, "Stay away from that pork chop!" :-) So, there you are! Have fun, enjoy,
>and take good care of yourselves.
> Les
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 10:17:46 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: NASA & Inverse Logic (Puns) (Adult Language)
I remember getting a newspaper clipping from Spider
Robinson which sbowed a NASA drawing of the design for
a toilet to he used under zero gravity conditions in the
Skylab satellite. (NASA has problems that thee and me can't
even guess at.)
The cutaway drawing of this engineering marvel showed
that there was a rotating blade inside the toilet bowl, to
"separate the liquid from the solid wastes," as NASA's
engineers euphemistically put it.
Spider, in his scrawly handwriting, had scribbled across
the top of the clipping a brief note, followed by an arrow
that pointed unerringly to the bowl and the separator blade.
The note said, "Ben: Near as I can figure, the shit is
supposed to hit the fan!" (By Ben Bova)
Not many people realize that this radical new toilet design came
about as a result of a misunderstood NASA memo. The director was
worried about possible budget cuts and asked the research department
if they could find "some way to cut down waste?" (By Gary Hallock)
Any teenager who studied Greek mythology in high school was probably
intrigued by the stories of how many of the immortals came to be. It
seems that Zeus commonly employed a method of asexual procreation
wherein progeny actually sprang forth alive from his forehead. I
always supposed that this was the source of the term, "Brainchild" and
also quite possibly the reason so many parents seem to be "browbeaten."
Apparently inspired by Zeus'story, the French philosopher Rene
Descartes used it as the basis for his famous equation as he
re-invented himself with the phrase, "I think, therefore, I am."
Legend has it that he was really just trying to impress the local
prostitutes by putting Descartes before the whores.
But I digress. Many generations later one of Zeus' distant relations
gave birth in a similar fashion when Dr. Zeus conceived the character
"Sam Iam." It wasn't long before it degenerated into "Son of Sam Iam."
and the family soon went to the dogs. This is why today we see one of
the most popular brands of dog food is named in his honor. Iam's.
Of course when Homer originally told this story it was in verse. That
is not to say "backwards" but that the story was sung. Homer took a
vote among the members of his audience to ask what meter they thought
he should use. The results of his poll were "I think they're for Iambic."
Because Homer was blind and never put any of his own stories on
paper, the scribes, in an apparent effort to conserve their valuable
quills, dropped the "bic." This is why the phrase has been passed down
to us as an ink complete translation. (By Gary Hallock)
Of course, the son of Sam Iam was famous for his philanthropy toward
his creator. He was a large contributer to that group which studies
mythology, named for Zeus, "The Olympic Zeusological Society". It is a
group of lawyers who jealously guard the right to the use of the Gods'
names. If a God's name is written in blood, I.E. used in vein, they
will write a letter saying "We will file lawzeuts against you! Yes, we
will Zeu!".
Sam's biggest idea was that if some people were sacrificed to the
Gods, then the slave auctions, (where-in males are sold to raise money
for the aforementioned Society) would be blessed by the famous God and
Doctor, Ted Guy-sell. regrettably, society (real society, not the
organization) disagreed and put an end to son of Sam Iam's deeds. Son
of Sam Iam claimed his deeds were biblical since he was God, pointing
to the passage in the Bible wherein God says, "I am that Iam!", but
his pleas fell on deaf ears.
One legacy left by Sam Iam and his son is a once popular form of
loose-fitting clothing which was used by Zeus' worshippers in ceremony
- the so-called Zeus-Suits. (By Clynch Varnadore)
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 13:50:51 EDT
From: J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A GREAT list! Check it out!
;-) :-) ;-) :-) ;-)
Do you like your jokes dirty? I mean, so dirty
they'd make your gramma spin in her grave?
Well, if you like to eat shit with a spoon, or,
hell, even like the sound of it!, then this is the
list for YOU! Sign up now for a once a week
mailing of the dirtiest, sluttiest, meanest
jokes on the NET! Send a blank e-mail to :
jokesBYjen-subscribe@egroups.com
;-) :-) ;-) :-) ;-)
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 14:18:44 -0400
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Irish Bull
Sooner or later all students of the comedic Muse come across
the term Irish Bull. It's always presented as a form which one ought to know
the way one knows about Spoonerisms and puns.
Every time I've seen the Irish Bull brought up in my reading it's been
defined
as a statement containing a contradiction. Until very recently the only ex-
ample I had ever seen was: "He comes from a long line of childless couples."
Now, thanks to Lewis Copeland, here's a good half-dozen of them.
-----------------------------------------
...an Irish salesman was trying to sell some iron window sashes,
and in recommending them, he said: "These sashes will last you forever,
sir; and afterwards, if you have no further use for them, you can sell them
for old {scrap?} iron."
There is the famous remark of the Irish lover: "It's a great comfort to
be alone, especially when yer sweetheart is wid ye."
A famous Irish lover of antiquity crushed and opponent, who advocated
modern architectual beauty, by exclaiming triumphantly: "An' will ye
show me any modern building that has lasted as long as the ancient ones?"
An Irish judge charged a jury, "A man who'd maliciously set fire to a
barn, and burn up a stable full of horses and mules, ought to be kicked
to death by a jackass, and I'd like to be the one to do it!"
"How many fathoms {deep is the water}?" an Irish captain inquired.
"Can't touch bottom, sir."
'Well, damn it, how near to bottom do ye come?"
An Irish judge, pounding for order at a trial, shouted, "We want nothin'
by silence, an' very little of that."
-----from Copeland, Lewis (Ed.), The World's Best Jokes, Garden City,
New York: Garden City Books, 1936. Pg. 142
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you've seen a good Irish Bull, why not send it in? Just remember:
N.I.N.A.
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 16:18:21 -0500
From: RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: The Thangs U lEARN HBO no..no no..! HMO
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Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its
roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who
discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in
his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice
replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as
voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
____________________
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the
name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
_______________
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the
$10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
--
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
RAINY
So Close To Jesus, He Turns A Deaf Ear to the Prayers of Those Who Snub
Me at Parties,
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 19:55:15 -0400
From: Charles H. Tidwell, Sr. <ctidwell@SOUTHERN.EDU>
Subject: Country Songs
What do you get when you play a country song backward?
You get your car back.
You get your car back.
You get your dog back.
You get your wife back.
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 17:04:34 -0700
From: F.I. Goldhaber <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Twas the nite before...
Twas the nite before...
'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall
Go Intel Go Gateway
Now HP Big Blue
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away Crash away
Crash away all
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled
His dimples-how merry
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty shout,
Happy Y2K to you all,
This is a helluva night
~ author unknown ~
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Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 20:16:57 -0700
From: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Learning to Drive
CLASSIFIED CLASSIC
Ad found among the miscellaneous listing in the Stanwood/Camano, Wash.,
News: "Caution, homeowners between Warm Beach and Stanwood -- Daughter
will be learning how to drive. Use caution after leaving garage or
porch. Farmers advised to place hay bales around barns, farm equipment
and slow-moving livestock. She will be driving white sedan with
frightened father aboard."
Reader's Digest
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Date: Fri, 3 Sep 1999 09:43:54 -0400
From: chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM
Subject: More Blondes <clean>
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a
plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if
they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette
said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she
would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. Problem
solved.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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