Digest for Friday, September 03, 1999

There are 6 messages totalling 218 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Cows With Guns
  2. CyberCity
  3. Liver n Cheese
  4. The Cheapskate (Clean, but offensive)
  5. Connoisseurs All
  6. reminiscence [sick, in poor taste] 


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Date:    Fri, 3 Sep 1999 06:47:49 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Cows With Guns

Fat and docile, big and dumb,
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun,
Cows aren't fun.

They eat to grow, grow to die,
Die to be et, the hamburger fry,
Cows well done.

Nobody thunk it, nobody knew,
No one imagined the great cow guru
Cow Se Tongue.

He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred;
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd,
Cows' doldrums.

He mooed "We must fight, escape or we'll die,"
Cows gathered around, 'cause the steaks were so high,
Bad cow pun.

But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate,
Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate.
Cows are bummed.

He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy,
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi -
Cows with guns.

Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door,
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor,
Run, cows, run!

He picked up a bullhorn, jumped up on the hay,
"We are free roving bovines, we run free today!
We will fight for bovine freedom, and hold our large heads high,
And we will run free with the buffalo, or die!"
Cows with guns.

They crashed the gate in a great stampede,
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed,
Cows have fun.

Sixty police cars were piled in a heap,
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep,
Much cow dung.

Black smoke rising, darkening the day,
Twelve burning McDonald's,
"Have it your way."

The President said "Enough is enough!
These uppity cattle, it's time to get tough."
Cow dung flung.

The newspapers gloated; folks sighed with relief.
Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef.
Cows on buns.

The cows were surrounded. They waited and prayed.
They mooed their last moos. They chewed their last hay.
Cows outgunned.

The order was given to turn cows to whoppers,
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers -
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers,
Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers.
(Thanks SK)




http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Fri, 3 Sep 1999 07:07:34 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: CyberCity

 Q; How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
 A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
=================================================================

 CHAT ROOM LIES - HOW MANY OF THESE HAVE *YOU* HEARD?

 * I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

 * You're different.....I've never felt like this about someone I've never
   met before.

 * I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me
   more about yourself.

 * I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm
   getting excited.

 * Yes of course I'm female......

 * No this is my only screen name.....You mean you can have more then one?

 * I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!

 * Male version is.....'I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out.

 * I'm not like most of the guys/gals here, I want to meet so we can just
   have coffee and get to know each other (at the hotel coffee shop).

 * I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts
   (Which is true, it means: 'I'm horny and could care less, just type.')

 * Tonight my love.....our souls have touched.

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Date:    Fri, 3 Sep 1999 07:01:02 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Liver 'n Cheese

 The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a
 drink and discussing dinner when a good-looking female Collie comes up to
 them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence and make it
 sound good can go out with me."  So the Doberman says, "I love liver and
 cheese."  The Collie says, "That's not good enough."  The Bulldog says, "I
 hate liver and cheese,"  She says, "Not too creative."  The Chihuahua, with
 his Mexican accent, jumps in and says, "Liver alone....cheese mine!"

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Date:    Fri, 3 Sep 1999 16:38:56 -0400
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Cheapskate (Clean, but offensive)

An old man, known to be very miserly, called his local newspaper to
place an obituary notice for his recently deceased wife.  He told the
woman taking the ad that he wanted to have only two words in the notice:
"Becky died".  The woman told him that he could use up to six words with
punctuation and it would cost exactly the same as two words.  The man
thought for a few seconds and said, "Becky died. For sale, 1991 Volvo".

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Date:    Fri, 3 Sep 1999 17:06:57 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Connoisseurs All

    Two young men had been invited out to dinner by their employer.
During the course of the meal the conversation drifted into channels which
got the young friends into rather deep water for them.

    "Do you care for Omar Khayyam?" asked their host, at one point
during the dinner, thinking to discover the literary tastes of the young men.

    "Pretty well," the one addressed replied, " but, personally, I prefer
Chianti."

    The subject was abandoned, but on the way home other said to his
chum:
    "Why don't you simply say you don't know when you're asked some-
thing you don't understand?  Omar Khayyam isn't a wine, you idiot.  It's
a kind of cheese."


    -----from Copeland, Lewis (Ed.), The World's Best Jokes, Garden City,
New York: Garden City Books, 1936.   Pg. 31

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Date:    Fri, 3 Sep 1999 16:10:53 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <kolb@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: reminiscence [sick, in poor taste]

First, the good news, from InteliHealth:
-------------------
Alcohol-Linked Road Deaths At Low

NEW YORK (AP) — The number of alcohol-related traffic fatalities
in the United States dropped to 15,935 last year, the lowest
level in the 17 years the government has been keeping the
statistic.

http://www.intelihealth.com/enews?239962
-------------------
This brings to mind one of my favorite TV comedians, "Lonesome" George
Gobel.  George had a variety show in the 50s; he appeared on Carson into
the 70s, I believe.  I don't even know if he's still alive.  He was a
short, pudgy man, crewcut, always in suits with thin ties, and fiendishly
iconoclastic.  His most notorious TV moment was at the end of one of his
variety programs, in which he announced that the death toll for automobile
accidents in whatever holiday weeked it was (I don't remember) was down
from last year's.  He then looked into the camera and said, in his sweetest
south-of-the-Mason/Dixon-line voice: "Folks, you just aren't trying."

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

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