Digest for Sunday, October 03, 1999

There are 8 messages totalling 397 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. TESTING *aDULLt*
  2. Weakly Riddles and Puns
  3. Revised Holiday Schedule
  4. New Words, Old Song
  5. USEFUL ONE-LINERS FOR MANY SITUATIONS
  6. GE and the Little Moron
  7. daddy long legs
  8. Unix Manuals: rtfm 


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Date:    Sun, 3 Oct 1999 01:33:39 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: TESTING  *aDULLt*

This is absolutely amazing !!!!
It only takes about 30 seconds

Think of a letter between A and W scroll down Slowly







Keep going!







Think of an animal that begins with that letter

Scroll down Slowly









Think of a man's name that begins with the last letter in that animal's
name

Scroll down, Slowly







Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are
not using to scroll down (example Fred would be 4)







Take the last finger you counted with, shove it up your ass, and get back
to work, you stupid e-mail game playing bastard!

If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
  ~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends.
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/

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Date:    Sun, 3 Oct 1999 01:11:57 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Weakly Riddles and Puns

Riddles and Puns of the Weak ending 10-1-99

From: "Puns of the Day" <puns-of-the-day@egroups.com>
                        and
"Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaners"
<groaners@mail.otherwhen.com>


THE RIDDLES

281. Why are most monkeys not interested in politics?

282. Why are a South American arboreal mammal and a bizarre Israeli alike?

283. What thieving religious man became a famous jazz musician?

284. What play is about a faithful young woman who is publicly accused
of infidelity by her beau to her deep embarrassment?

285. What is the favorite Old Testament book of kitchen counter top installers?

Movie of the Week: What adventure movie Starring Sean Connery and
Michael Caine in the biography of LAPD officer Stacy Kuhn?

Book of the Week: The book about the novice manservant?

T. V. Show of the Week: The chief notification mechanism of a
timepiece stars with a hot dog and a Christmas wreath in an early '50s
show ostensibly for kids but enjoyed equally by parents

Song of the Week: The First Lady of India wears a traditional garment
decorated with dangly fabric at the neckline:

Celebrity of the Week: The actor known for tagging game fish:


THE PUNS

        Both the bride and the minister need to be trained for
        the ceremony (By P. C. Swanson) .

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window. "Pull over!" "No,"
she shouts back, " a pair of socks!"

        Swallow a little yeast when you go to bed at night
        and you'll rise easily in the morning. (By Cynthia McGregor)

A student essay stated: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay
prostitute at the bottom. " In the margin of the paper, the professor
commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a
fallen woman and one who has merely slipped.

        Back-seat driving Is a form of duel control (By Alan F. G. Lewis)

Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a gift
shop and performed lewd acts with the porcelain figures? They charged
him with statue-Tory rape. Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual (By Gary Hallock)

.       My friend Ronald helped me with this Biblical research,
        so if there is a mistake here, it's probably due to Ron
        and me.(By Gary Hallock)

.How can you make money these days? Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male
deer and you'll have a hundred sows and bucks. (By Richard Lederer)

        One robin does not make a spring. But one lark is
        often responsible for a fall.

A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the
police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.
"Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father. "No," says the
boy."Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.        The boy hesitates before he
says, "No,  ... I'm not sleepy yet."

        Use conscience-stricken in a sentence?
        Never conscience-stricken before they're hatched.
        (By Groucho Marx)

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney
transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen
transplant, a pancreas trans..." "Whoa. Slow down there fellow. What
makes you think you need all these organ transplants?" asked the
doctor. "Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep
my job I needed to get reorganized."

        Please use the word miniature in a sentence for me.
        "The miniature asleep, you begin to snore.” (By Lewis Phillips)

Though I lost my temper and yelled at everyone in the motorists' shop,
I couldn't get a solenoid (By Alan F. G. Lewis)

        It is sadly true
                That a pause in a wedding
                        Is oft over “do”
                                (By John S. Crosbie)

Our two protagonists were the proprietors for a fine art and precious
metals auction. When asked how the auction went, they said, "We sold
everything but the kitsch and zinc." (Frank and Ernest)

        A wheat farmer’s work was always making his head hurt.
        He said, “These are my grain headaches.” (By Warren Allen)


THE ANSWERS

281. They’re Ape-olitical (By Gary Hallock)

282. Both are Kinkajjous (Kinky Jews) (By Lars Hanson)

283. Felonious Monk (By Gary Hallock)

284. The Shaming of the True (By Stan Kegel)

285. Laminations (By David Bunch

Movie of the Week:The Man Who Would Beat King (By Gary Hallock)

Book of the Week:"How Green Was My Valet." (By Howell Gwin)

T. V. Show of the Week: Cuckoo, Frank, & Holly (By Cynthia MacGregor)

Song of the Week: "The Sari with the Fringe on Top" (By Cynthia
MacGregor)

Celebrity of the Week: Marlin Brander (By Lars Hanson)

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Date:    Sun, 3 Oct 1999 06:02:58 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Revised Holiday Schedule

 The Office of Personnel Management for the United States government
 today announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees.

 There will be two fewer holidays in Washington D.C. next year.

 Halloween and Thanksgiving have been cancelled.

 The witch is moving to New York and she's taking the turkey with her.

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Date:    Sun, 3 Oct 1999 08:54:46 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: New Words, Old Song

New Words to an old Dylan Song

How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.

How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend

How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house

How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.


http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

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Date:    Sun, 3 Oct 1999 12:38:12 EDT
From:    Anna White <AWhite777@AOL.COM>
Subject: USEFUL ONE-LINERS FOR MANY SITUATIONS

1.   Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2.   Well, aren't we just a ray of sunshine?
3.   Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4.   Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
5.   Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
6.   Do I look like a people person?
7.   This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8.   If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9.   You! Off my planet!.
10.  Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11.  Did the aliens forget to remove your probe?
12.  If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
13.  A PBS mind in an MTV world.
14.  Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
15.  Better living through denial.
16.  Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
17.  Do they ever shut up on your planet?
18.  I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
19.  A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
20.  Back off! You're standing in my aura.
21.  I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
22.  I have a computer & pizza delivery.  Why should I leave the house?
23.  Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
24. ...... feel free to add some of your own and if they're funny, send them
to me!

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Date:    Sun, 3 Oct 1999 12:53:59 -0400
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: GE and the Little Moron

During World War II the Little Moron was drafted into the U. S. Army. He
went to Fort Benning for basic training. His blunders resulted in frequent
KP duties. In the company's kitchen, his sergeant noticed yet another
peculiar behavior.

Sergeant: Hey, you little moron, why are you saluting that refrigerator?

LM: Sir, I thought it was General Electric, sir.

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Date:    Sun, 3 Oct 1999 19:38:48 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: daddy long legs

    Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
    mating.

    "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

    "They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

    "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

    "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

    Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a
    Mommy Longlegs?"

    Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

    Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them
    flat.
    "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"

Steven

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Date:    Mon, 4 Oct 1999 09:53:43 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Unix Manuals: rtfm <adult>

rtfm(l)             UNIX Programmer's Manual              rtfm(l)


NAME
     rtfm - read the fucking manual

SYNOPSIS
     rtfm

OPTIONS
     None, you have to read the manual for an answer.

DESCRIPTION
     Used when lazy people ask stupid questions. Normally cried
     out in vain.

FILES
     /dev/null

ENVIRONMENT
     Any.

SEE ALSO
     man(1)

DIAGNOSTICS
     Is an diagnostic. Since you are reading this you are get-
     ting the idea.

BUGS
     Ha!

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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