Digest for Monday, November 01, 1999

There are 4 messages totalling 227 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Top5 - 11/1/99 - Trouble Adjusting to College
  2. A Couple Of Smiles
  3. New Words
  4. Useful Retorts 


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Date:    Mon, 1 Nov 1999 06:34:04 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 11/1/99 - Trouble Adjusting to College

                 The Top 15 Signs You're Having
                  Trouble Adjusting to College


             [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
             [   Copyright 1999 by Chris White    ]


15> You just can't get your day going without the morning
    announcements and Pledge of Allegiance.

14> Despite your having the hottest live dorm sex-cam on campus,
    the other kids at BYU just don't seem to accept you.

13> Forget the kegger with the Tri-Delts this Friday --
    you've got some Ruminations to write!

12> Passing high school chemistry by sleeping with your teacher
    worked well, but the irony of passing freshman ethics by
    sleeping with your teacher is driving you nuts.

11> "Aww, c'mon guys.  We just went out drinking last night!"

10> That backpack you made out of your blankie isn't fooling
    anyone.

 9> Your fraternity brothers are doubting your claim that the
    rubber sheets are due to an allergy to cotton.

 8> You're anxious to find out if you got an A on your
    cat-dissection project.  But you're not taking a biology
    class, and your art professor seems to be avoiding you.

 7> Due to a misunderstanding, your cramming for exams involves
    K-Y Jelly.

 6> You think "carrying a full load" means you haven't had a
    girlfriend in awhile.

 5> Animal Husbandry isn't exactly what you expected when you
    signed up for it.

 4> The good news:  You have a 3.5 average.
    The bad news:  That's your blood alcohol content.

 3> You feel so awkward and unpopular that you quit the
    Young Republicans and join the Junior Reform Party.

 2> The friendly wager you made with your new roommate about
    who would score first apparently has nothing to do with
    your Pokemon skills.


             and Topfive.com's Number 1 Signs You're
              Having Trouble Adjusting to College...


 1> Your mother turns on Dateline's story about college binge
    drinking just in time to see you vomit on Jane Pauley.

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Date:    Mon, 1 Nov 1999 07:21:27 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple Of Smiles

 Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive
 lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll
 of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
 when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down and
 rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then
 begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN!
 I WIN!"

 With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The
 dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks,
 "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were
 watching!"
===========================================================================

 Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her
 best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest
 and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
 "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her
  friend said.

 So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how
 things were going. "Superb!  I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in
 that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

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Date:    Mon, 1 Nov 1999 16:58:43 -0800
From:    rprieto@JUNO.COM
Subject: New Words

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are some of the winners:


Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.

Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls.

Tatyr:
A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient
who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like,
a serious bummer.

Glibido:
All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.

Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it
was your money to start with.

Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

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Date:    Tue, 2 Nov 1999 09:28:49 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Useful Retorts <clean>

* A man enters the house with snow all over him.
Q: Snowing outside?
A: Nope, there was a giant outside the house who flicked his cigarette
   ash all over me.

* A girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet.
Q: Sorry, did that hurt?
A: No, not at all, I'm on local anaesthesia. Why don't you try again?

* At a restaurant: To the waiter.
Q: Is the "blah blah blah" dish good?
A: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally
   spit in it, as well.

* At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets you after years..
Q: Chickoo, you've become so big.
A: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

* When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call..
Q: Sorry, were you sleeping?
A: No. I was playing soccer for Brazil at Rio and just when you called
   Ortega was betting with me that Argentina would win. What do you think?

* When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair..
Q: Hey have you had a haircut?
A: No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

* At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Q: Tell me if it hurts?
A: And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I bite.

* You see a cute girl wearing tennis attire and holding a tennis racquet
  at a tennis centre.
Q: You play tennis?
A: Nope, this is the latest fashion, just trying to catch a rich guy's
   attention. As for the tennis racquet, I feel that it has a faster head
   speed and thus better than an umbrella in warding off perverts.

* A man sleeping soundly when his friend wakes him up.
Q: You asleep?
A: Yes, and I am having a dream about some idiot asking me whether I
   am asleep.

* See a friend walking into the room drenched.
Q: Raining outside?
A: No, Nice and sunny day outside, so hot that I poured some water
   over myself.

* See a friend at the canteen with some food at 8am.
Q: Having breakfast?
A1: Nope, I am on a diet, just bought this food to enjoy the aroma.
A2: (look blur) Breakfast? I'm having my dinner. You overslept is it?

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

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