Digest for Tuesday, November 02, 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 228 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Evaluation Form
- Performance Appraisals Revisited
- Humor - Weird Business News #20 (1st of 3)
- Coaches (poss. off. to Indiana fans)
- Looking Like a Golfer
- Modesty
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Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 07:20:34 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Evaluation Form <adult>
SLEAZY SALES CORPORATION
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION FORM #0000810.09B
Name________________________ Date____________
KNOWLEDGE
____ The Son of a Bitch really knows his shit.
____ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
____ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
____ Fucking brain dead. His coffee cup has a higher I Q.
ACCURACY
____ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with office skirts.
____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass.
____ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten.
____ Couldn't count his balls and get the same answer twice.
ATTITUDE
____ Extremely cooperative (if you kiss his ass frequently).
____ Brown noser in good standing.
____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his company.
____ Doesn't give a shit; never did, never will.
RELIABILITY
____ Really a dependable little cocksucker.
____ Can rely on him to be the first out the fucking office.
____ Can rely on him at the evaluation time.
____ Totally fucking worthless.
APPEARANCE
____ Extremely neat; even combs pubic hair.
____ Looks great at evaluation time.
____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.
____ Dirty, filthy, smelly, son of a bitch.
PERFORMANCE
____ Goes like a Son of a Bitch if there is any money in it for him.
____ Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time.
____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
____ Couldn't do less work if in a friggin' coma.
LEADERSHIP
____ Carries a chain saw and gets good results.
____ Better leader than fucking McArthur at evaluation time.
____ Occasionally gets told to get screwed.
____ Mother Theresa told him to get screwed.
I have been advised of and understand my rights under the Privacy Act
of the Inquisition. I further acknowledge that I'm as worthless as dog
squat on a cow pie, but will try to correct my deficiencies in order to
achieve a higher evaluation rating, disregarding all moral and ethical
standards.
EMPLOYEE'S
SIGNATURE_____________________________
****************************************
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
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Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 07:36:17 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Performance Appraisals Revisited
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ........= Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ........= Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE .................= Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED .....= Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ...........= Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ..................= Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........= Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER ...............= Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING ...................= Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER ..................= Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE .......................= Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS .....= Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ........= Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL ...= A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .........= Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT .....= Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR .............= Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ....................= Back Stabber
LOYAL ............................= Can't get a job anywhere else
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Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 11:25:09 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #20 (1st of 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Weird get weirder as year near end.
By JIM BARLOW
Enough of the serious stuff. It's a new month and time for Weird Business
News -- a look at the antics of Homo Businessperson in search of a buck.
Cheers to toy maker Mattel for its new doll, Barbie Loves Frankie Sinatra.
We needed Barbie in a metallic dress drinking martinis and smoking.
And thanks to reader Stan Daley who reports the sprinkler he just bought
had a sticker on the bottom stating that it's for outdoor use only. "Dang,
I wanted to use it in the living room on my wife's potted plants," he said.
Our At Least the Boss Doesn't Need a Costume Award to the National Retail
Federation survey that found 39.1 percent of American workers say they have
considered dressing up for Halloween at work.
The Why Remind the Investors What Might Happen Award to Poore Brothers of
Goodyear, Ariz., which announced it is dropping its NASDAQ stock symbol
"POOR" in favor of "SNAK."
Best Internet Site Name: IveBeenGood.com, an online merchant. Proposed
Internet site: I'veBeenBad.com for those looking for a good spanking.
The Readability Award to Burlington Resources for the notice of its
stockholder meeting set for Nov. 18. On pages B-21 and B-22 there's one
sentence that is so long that it can't be repeated here, since it would
fill the entire column. Or maybe that should be the Mama, Don't Let Your
Lawyers Grow Up To Be Writers Award.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Wed, 6 Aug 1997 09:32:06 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Coaches (poss. off. to Indiana fans)
Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed, all three d=
ied.
All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God wanted to =
know
three things: Who are you? What did you do? and What did people think of =
you?
The first person said, =93I=92m Denny Crum. I was the 2nd best coach in t=
he
nation. I won 2 national championships and won over 20 games a year and t=
he
people of Kentucky think I am great.=94 God said, =93Denny, stand to my r=
ight.=94
The next person said, =93I=92m John Thompson. I was the 3rd best coach in=
the
nation. I won conference championships and made our program respectable. =
The
people of Washington DC think I am great.=94 God said, =93John, stand on =
my left
side.=94
The third person stood before God and said, =93I=92m Bobby Knight. I have=
won
three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am games, th=
e
Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, the youngest coach ever to win 600
games and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair.=94
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Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 20:28:29 -0800
From: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Looking Like a Golfer
LOOKING LIKE A GOLFER
George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his
first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he
decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball
ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him. When
he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a
golfer. Are you any good?"
George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
Merle O. Newberg in Reader's Digest
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Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 12:04:33 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Modesty <clean>
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when
communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a
jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command
station.
When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered
their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward
and shook my father's hand.
"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he
pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
"Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby
girl."
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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