Digest for Friday, November 05, 1999
There are 10 messages totalling 342 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Bragging
- Retro: Another dig at Poor Hilary
- The Service
- Somethings Wrong!!
- Rejected Hallmark Cards (Adult)
- Female perceptions of Felines vs. Female perceptions of Men
- GROAN.. SAID DA FROG
- Imaginative Will
- In the Diner
- Mildly Offensive
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 12:33:32 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Bragging <clean>
"A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming,
bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with
Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice
of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the
money?"
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 10:31:39 +0200
From: alar14@MAIL.EE
Subject: Retro: Another dig at Poor Hilary
This is a repost of a 5 year old joke. Enjoy!
---
Date: Sat, 5 Nov 1994 13:06:15 -0500
From: Lee Bradley
lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU
Subject: Another dig at Poor Hilary
As a devoted Democrat, I would not want to pillory Hilary, but the
joke is good, even if it's misdirected politically.
-
A man was walking on the beach when he found a bottle in the
sand. He picked up the bottle, uncorked it and out popped a genie.
The genie says, "I will grant you one wish for freeing me!"
The man says, "My one fantasy has always been to have three
women in my bed!"
The genie says, "Your wish has been granted."
The man runs home and finds Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit, and
Hillary Clinton waiting in his bed. The man thinks to himself, "This
isn't quite what I imagined, but, still, I'll have a go at it."
When he wakes up the next morning, he finds himself with a
broken kneecap, no manhood, and no health care.
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 07:29:25 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Service
This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text,
while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools.
Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info.
--------------4244BA288AC44FF48B6C3568
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=us-ascii
Content-ID: <Pine.SOL.3.96.991104162406.10127C@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA>
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The
seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning
Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "What is this?" he asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the
9:00 a.m. or the 10:30 a.m. service????"
--------------4244BA288AC44FF48B6C3568--
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 08:00:00 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Something's Wrong!!
SIGNS THAT SOMETHING IS
WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE
- The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.
- You have his n' hers bathrooms.
- New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled
"Anthrax" and "Cyanide".
- Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring
bit between the news and the late night sports show.
- Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.
- Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.
- Family outings consist of you being chased out of
the house by your spouse with a carving knife.
- You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have
someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.
- Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up
late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.
(via Actual Reality)
********************************
Never advise anyone to go to war, buy a horse or marry.
-- Spanish Proverb
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 11:17:09 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Rejected Hallmark Cards (Adult)
Received from a friend - - Author unknown.
1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping...
I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat...Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!
5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive.
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?
8 You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
the case of Bud Dry?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 14:01:20 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Female perceptions of Felines vs. Female perceptions of Men <humor>
This just in via email:
"I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are
independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when
you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and
expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone
and sleep. In other words, every quality that women
hate in a man, they love in a cat."
- Unknown
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 13:37:51 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: GROAN.. SAID DA FROG
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the
shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit
replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes".
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 05:22:20 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Imaginative Will
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The
receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a
convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The
woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I
rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for
the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney, who agreed, and he went
to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the
will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you
have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have
$40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked,
"how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass
on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked,
"Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly
be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have
taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like
to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone
almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like
you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see
what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how
much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of
coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car
until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's
house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an
hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly,
the upstairs bedroom window opened; the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled,
"Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 18:14:33 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: In the Diner
In the Diner
Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Romania long, either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?
Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza
bit?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales.
Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here
to Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Eire.
hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing
Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!
Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay
your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia!
Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is
open.
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Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 19:17:47 EST
From: Jay Harman <jay_harman@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Mildly Offensive
Two old ladies walk into the grocery store
and see bananas on sale at 3 for a dollar.
What does one old lady say to the other one?
"Well, we can always EAT one!".....
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