Digest for Saturday, November 06, 1999
There are 3 messages totalling 160 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Sometimes a BMW is not enough
- The 5 Toughest Questions for Men
- Going to the bank
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 21:19:26 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Sometimes a BMW is not enough <adult>
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to
play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell
into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse
whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken
ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for
the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding
the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of
the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other
end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly
forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between
the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his thing" and he would then lift
him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him
up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse,
you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 Nov 1999 09:24:18 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The 5 Toughest Questions for Men
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.
tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is
analyzed below, along with the possible (politically correct) responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which most likely, is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Yah sure, you betcha.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on exactly what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
d. It depends on how you define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a
Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. (Whoops!!)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 Nov 1999 10:41:07 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Going to the bank
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is
the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle
of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins
splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he
can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the
bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index