Digest for Sunday, November 07, 1999
There are 2 messages totalling 168 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- 5 Questions Most Feared by Men
- repost: Cutting cheese
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Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 09:56:48 EST
From: SueS7@AOL.COM
Subject: 5 Questions Most Feared by Men
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that
every one is guaranteed to explode into a major
argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells
the truth). Therefore, as a public service,
each question is analyzed below, along with possible
responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm
sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful,
caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am
to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the
true answer, which most likely is one of the
following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if
you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was
offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted
you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to
you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more
detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah
b. Would it make you feel better if I said
yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not
exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just
thinking about how I would spend the insurance money
if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than
me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
"Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her
age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just
thinking about how I would spend the insurance money
if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer,
of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat".) No matter
how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour
of follow-up questions, usually along the these
lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not; don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her
face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and
replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to
do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh my.
==================================================
"Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd
want to have dinner with."
=================================================
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Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 17:25:41 +0200
From: alar14@MAIL.EE
Subject: repost: Cutting cheese
Another repost from my huge collection. Enjoy...
Date: Sun, 6 Nov 1994 20:50:18 CST
From: David Christian
DCHRISTI%NDSUVM1.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu
Subject: Cutting cheese
My grandmother told me this today... She seemed to enjoy it.
---
A man from Wisconsin, the owner of one of the largest cheese
factories in the state o' cheese, passes away quite suddenly. In
his will, it stated that he was to be buried with 5 pounds of each
type of cheese; hard, sharp, mild, soft, and so on.
As the pallbearers were taking the casket out of the church, the
package of limburger burst open in the coffin, and when they
smelled the stench, they dropped their load on the steps, causing
it to skip down the steps and into the street.
The undertaker ran out of the church and screamed at the men,
"What in God's name are you doing?"
"Hell," said the lead pallbearer, "if he could cut one like that, he
sure as hell can walk."
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