Digest for Monday, November 08, 1999
There are 8 messages totalling 426 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- It is written
- Top5 - 11/8/99 - Things on Bill Gatess To-Do List
- repost: Two West Virginians
- Smiles
- Pagan
- Comebacks for "special" co-workers
- The OBviouS
- How to make Shallow Snap Judgements - Part 1/2
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Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999 12:59:48 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@VENTURENET.CO.ZA>
Subject: It is written <may be off. to the religious>
(From another list. Author unknown)
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter went down to the bank of the Nile
and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
Cain struck out Abel and the prodigal son came in last.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden
of Eden?
A. They were definitely put out.
Q. What is one of the first things Adam and Eve did after
they were kicked but?
A. They raised a little Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most proficient lawbreaker
in the Bible?
A. Moses broke all ten commandments at once.
Q. Where is the first tennis match in the Bible?
A. Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Q. Where is the first recorded Biblical case of constipation?
A. In Kings where it says that David sat on the throne for
forty years.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua was the son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!
Q. How do we know they didn't play cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck.
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Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999 06:48:02 -0500
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 11/8/99 - Things on Bill Gates's To-Do List
November 8, 1999
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
The news is not very good for Bill Gates.
On Friday, the judge in the antitrust trial of Microsoft
ruled that the software company has monopoly power in
PC operating systems and that it has used that power
to crush potential threats from competitors.
The Top 14 Things on Bill Gates's To-Do List
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
14> Change menacing cackle to more of a charming titter.
13> Divest all holdings in Atlantic City, especially Boardwalk
and Park Place.
12> Stop payment on Satan's check.
11> Search JobOptions.com:
Field = "Technology"
Salary > $25 Billion
10> Immediately cancel that "$5000 or a free trip to Disneyworld"
offer.
9> Put somebody else in charge temporarily; take the winter off
and find Rosebud.
8> Push own "Start" button. At prompt, choose "Shut Down" and
then "Re-start Ego."
7> Create new corporate division in charge of sending flowers
and candy to Sandy O'Connor.
6> Have Steve Jobs leave bag of flaming dog excrement on Janet
Reno's doorstep.
5> Send message to mother ship: "My job here is done."
4> Dedicate my life to finding the *real* monopolists.
3> Hack into Justice Dept. web site, draw mustache on picture of
Janet... um, draw *bigger* mustache on picture of Janet Reno.
2> See how quickly the government can prepare for the "11/9/99 Bug."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Bill Gates's To-Do List...
1> Halt global economy by taking all my money and going home.
==================================================================
Rumination of the Day
It's a good life, I guess...
I just wish those friggin'
ninjas would leave me alone.
(Eryk Nielsen)
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Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999 13:55:14 +0200
From: alar14@MAIL.EE
Subject: repost: Two West Virginians
Reposting of a 5 year old joke.
Date: Tue, 8 Nov 1994 15:23:31 -0400
From: MOORE <moore-hnt1@KAMAN.COM>
These two West Virginians (brother and sister) were walking in the
woods when they came across a set of tracks. The brother looked
down and said "Golly Gee, look at those bear tracks!"
The sister said "Nope, them thar are o-possum tracks!"
To this the brother replied, "Anybody would know that them thar
are raccoon tracks!"
Darn train killed them before either one could figure it out!
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Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999 07:17:31 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Smiles
His four children were gathered around Mr. Stanley's deathbed. As the
eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children
started to discuss the final funeral plans.
One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a
plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the
remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much
money, as their father would never know the difference. Mr. Stanley
stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the
record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never
wanted to but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My
darling children, your mother and I were never married." His oldest son
was aghast. "You mean we're all bastards?" Mr. Stanley said, "Yes. And
cheap ones too!"
============================================================================
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first
row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said,
"Wedding cake?"
===========================================================================
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and
cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle
animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the
mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh
great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the
mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant
snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a
dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari
wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn
tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered
after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you
don't have to get so pissed off!"
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Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999 08:35:14 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Pagan <off. to Bubba & Billy Bob>
R U a Redneck Pagan?
Ya know, with so many city folk moving to the country, and the
old ways reading into every corner of America, can it be too
long before EVERY segment of American society is represented
in the Pagan community? Will we someday see REDNECK PAGANS???
Here are some signs that you, yourself, may be a Redneck Pagan...
You may be a redneck Pagan...
-- If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top, or if you
think a "family tradition" is a dating club.
-- If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade, or if your
coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter"
and "Sweet Cheeks".
-- If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it.
-- If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb.
-- If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do", or if your
altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the
Hollywood "Walk Of Fame"
-- If your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest, or if they
chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night.
-- If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice", and if you have ever
refilled your chalice from a keg.
-- If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,
or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley.
-- If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu,
or if you have ever canceled a coven meeting to watch
Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV.
-- If your children and your dog have the same magical name...
("Skeeter! Get on over here and cast this circle!")
-- If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud",
or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it.
-- If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale
Earnhart on it.
-- If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick
and a 1-900 number, or if your idea of a pilgrimage to
a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500.
-- If your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it,
or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little
nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket.
-- If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magical name.
-- If you think charging is done with a Master Card,
or if your Balefire says "Coleman" on it.
Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're not
necessarily a Redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well...
And if your Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....
Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate
flag and leg-wrestling... If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a
tailgate
party and tickets to the superbowl... Or if your ceremonial chants are by
Garth Brooks.... You're probably a redneck Pagan.
You may be a redneck Pagan...
-- If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's",
or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment.
-- If you think Buddhism is a beer worship.
-- If your ceremonial robe is camouflage.
You are definitely a redneck Pagan...
-- If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised
a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess, Or if you
have EVER worked love magic on livestock...... ....AND FAILED!
-- If your wicca coven members say, "Hey Bud, pull my finger!"
(via Raja Manesh)
********************************
Got a taste for religion? Lick a witch!
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Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999 17:44:06 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <gwen@CE.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Comebacks for "special" co-workers
1. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
2. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
3. If brains were gas, you may have just enough to power Runaway Ralph's
motorcycle around the inside perimeter of a cheerio.
4. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
5. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I am not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
10. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
11. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited you again...
12. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
13. How about never? Is never good for you?
14. I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
15. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
16. You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
17. I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
19. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
20. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
rocking.
21. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you are saying.
22. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
23. You are validating my inherent mistrust of co-workers.
24. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
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Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999 20:29:41 -0600
From: RANEBOUX <raneboux@BELLSOUTH.NET>
Subject: The OBviouS
A man prays for guidance: "Oh God -- What should I do with my
life? What do you expect of me? What will happen to me after
I die? What is the meaning of life?"
For a while, Creation is silent. Then a booming voice, sounding
severely impatient, shouts from heaven: "READ -- THE -- F A Q !"
If u cannot find the pot of gold.......
~Just enjoy the Raneboux~
Bob Made Us Bobholes, But Prozac Made Us Happy ones
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
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Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 10:49:30 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: How to make Shallow Snap Judgements - Part 1/2 <adult>
READING THE SIGNS:
How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements
Taken From Women's Glibber
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.
Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."
1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car withour opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is
a virgin
5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif -
Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don
Juan
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will
not go "all the way"
13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful
gymnastics in bed
14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's
not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will
have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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