Digest for Wednesday, December 01, 1999
There are 9 messages totalling 504 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Deer Hunt
- Limericks
- Irish Quotes
- repost: Irish eyes are smiling...
- Evolution of Bathing suites
- Its A Wacky World! #78 (Adult))
- The Newborn The Maid & The Ice Cream Man (Puns)
- A Skiers Dictionary
- Love
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 06:49:14 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Deer Hunt
SATURDAY:
1:00AM Alarm clock rings
2:00AM Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of warm bed
2:30AM Throw everything but kitchen sink in the pick-up
3:00AM Leave for deep woods
3:15AM Drive back home to pick up gun
3:30AM Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:00AM Set up camp, forgot the @#&#**! tent
4:30AM Head into woods
6:05AM See 8 deer grazing
6:06AM Take aim and squeeze trigger
6:07AM Click!
6:08AM Load gun while watching deer go over hill
8:00AM Head back to camp
9:00AM Still looking for camp
10:00AM Realize you don't know where camp is
NOON Fire gun for help; eat wild berries; keep firing gun so
someone will come
2:15PM Run out of shells, 8 deer come back to close range
2:20PM Strange feeling in stomach
2:30PM Realize you ate poison berries
2:45PM "Rescued"
2:55PM Rush to hospital to have stomach pumped
4:00PM Arrive back at camp
4:30PM Leave camp to KILL deer
4:35PM Return to camp for shells
4:40PM Load gun, leave camp again
5:00PM Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00PM Arrive back in camp, see deer grazing in camp
6:01PM Load gun
6:02PM Fire gun
6:03PM Score bulls-eye on pick-up truck
6:05PM Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer
6:06PM Repress strong desire to shoot partner
6:07PM Fall into fire
6:10PM Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire
6:15PM Take pick-up and leave partner and his deer in deep woods
6:25PM Pick-up boils over, hole shot in block
6:26PM Start walking
6:30PM Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35PM Meet bear
6:36PM Take aim
6:37PM Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud
6:38PM Smell offensive odor emitting from pants
6:39PM Climb tree
10:00PM Bear departs, wrap @#&##**! Gun around tree
MIDNIGHT...Home at last
SUNDAY
Watch football game on TV while slowly tearing up license into
little pieces. Place in envelope and mail to game warden with
clear instructions on where to place it.
[Thanks to Grandad Skip]
Note: Yesterday's post was missing day 3 plus, I discovered, day 6 was not
the
original. Corrections follow.
On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to
chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving
the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under
the tree. How was I to know the was actually measuring its
climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really.
While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased
a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the
same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time.
Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping
paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows
Sara can't unravel.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 07:57:27 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Limericks <adult>
There was a young man from Hong Kong,
Who had a trifurcated prong,
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a *honey* for beating a gong.
- - - - - - - - -
There was a young fellow named Fyfe,
Who married the pride of his life,
But imagine the pain,
When he struggled in vain,
And just couldn't get into his wife.
- - - - - - - - -
Said a pretty young lady from Croft,
Whilst amusing herself in the loft,
"Salami or wurst,
Is what I choose first,
But with baloney I know I've been boffed."
- - - - - - - - -
There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl,
Had relinquished her pearl,
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.
- - - - - - - - -
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
So she sat on the stairs,
And counted cunt hairs;
Four thousand, three hundred and two!
- - - - - - - - -
There was a young lady of Natchez,
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, "Shit!
Why, I'd give either tit,
For a man with equipment that matches."
There was a young fellow named Locke,
Who was born with a two-headed cock,
When he'd fondle the thing,
It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
But whether these two ever met,
Has not been recorded as yet,
Still, it would be diverting,
To see him inserting
His wang while it sang a duet.
(via Original Sins)
*********************************
Grammar has gots to be one of
the most importantest things ever!
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 13:57:54 -0000
From: Damien Ryan <dryan@IONA.COM>
Subject: Irish Quotes
"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually."
Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.
"The referendum went as most people hoped it would"
- Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the
Democratic Process.
"Clap your feet!" - Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.
"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is
going to feed them?" - Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to
boost tourism by putting gondolas on Blessington Lakes. (When
questioned, it seems that he was confusing gondolas with flamingos).
"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds" - Rev.
Ian Paisley.
"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the
consumer" - Aer Lingus spokesman.
"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough" -
Keith Duffy of Boyzone.
Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"
Contestant: 'Hamlet'.
Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? I'll give you a
hint. It's something you suck."
Contestant: "Oh, Dickie Davies"
(Murray Walker is the correct answer - Murrays are a brand of mint)
Larry Gogan: "What was Hitlers first name ?"
Contestant: "Heil!"
Larry Gogan: "Complete the following: "As happy as ....I'll give you a
> hint - think of me":
Contestant: '.... a pig in shit"
Larry Gogan: "Where is the Taj Mahal?"
Contestant: "Across the road from the Dental Hospital"
(He's right - there is a similarly named Indian restaurant there!)
Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow? ...."
Government Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the
Government by force, subversion or violence?
Applicant: Violence.
VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN - Irish Times
DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH - Irish Times
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Damien,
http://djryan.tripod.com/
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 17:52:07 +0200
From: Alar -The Joker- Pardla <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: repost: Irish eyes are smiling...
Reposting, as usual...
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 08:46:42 -0500
From: MEINDLP@CRL.AECL.CA
It was a fine summer evening at the local pub in Dublin. The bar
was about half full. In one corner two fellows sat drinking pints. One
fellow asks the other "Now where are ya from, me lad?"
The second fellow replies "County Cork."
The first fellow is amazed "Why that's were I hail from too! What
may be your family name, then?"
The second chap says "It be none other than O'Brien"
"Why that is my clan, too. What a small world. And to what school
did you go?"
"I went to St. Brigits."
"My God, So did I!!" exclaimed the first fellow loudly.
"So then, in what fine year did you graduate?"
"1954" "Incredible, so did I!..."
The local bobby (are they called that in Ireland?) stopped in around
then to say hello to the bartender. "Every thing OK, Michael?"
"Yes," the bartender replied, "things are pretty normal - the O'Brien
twins are shit-faced again!"
signature> Its December - check out http://jokes.isp.ee/christmas/
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 14:24:35 -0500
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Evolution of Bathing suites
The difference between bathing suits of Now and Then
is that the bathing suits of the past required that
you open the suit to see the buttocks
The bathing suits today require that you open the buttocks
to see the suit.
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 16:52:52 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World! #78 (Adult))
Starbucks Sued Over Alleged Crushed Penis
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A Canadian tourist who claims that his penis was
crushed by a faulty toilet seat at a Starbucks Corp (NasdaqNM:SBUX - news)
restaurant has sued the giant coffee retailer for $1.5 million, his
attorney said on Monday.
``Our client, Edward Skwarek, was in a seated position on the toilet when
he turned to retrieve the toilet paper in back of the seat when the seat
shifted causing his penis to be caught and crushed between the seat and the
bowl,'' said Richard Robbins, the lawyer for Skwarek, 37, of Toronto.
The suit, filed Nov. 26 in Manhattan Supreme Court, alleges the coffee
house was careless in ``allowing a defective toilet seat to remain open ...
causing a hazardous and unsafe condition ... in its public restrooms.''
Skwarek, a government financial worker, alleged that the incident took
place on Aug. 20, 1999 at a Starbucks in the Chelsea district of Manhattan
where he and his wife, Sherrie, 37, dropped in for some coffee.
The suit also claims that as a result of Starbucks' carelessness, Skwarek
suffered a ``crushed penis, Peyronie's disease, retrograde ejaculation with
consequent substantial reduction in sperm count, infertility, severe
bruising to his penis and sexual function impairment.''
Peyronie's disease usually causes deviation of the erect penis to one side.
Skwarek seeks $1 million in damages and his wife $500,000 because she has been
``deprived of his services.''
Alan Gulick, a spokesman at Starbucks in Seattle, where the company is
based, said Starbucks does not comment on pending litigation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 16:44:11 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Newborn The Maid & The Ice Cream Man (Puns)
The Newborn
A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was
visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son. As the proud father
was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could
not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail
and sickly-looking by comparison.
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a
moment. "What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He
seems awfully puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the
nurse, and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
Replied the man with a smile., ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child,"
The Maid
One day the Mexican maid announced to the Yuppette that
she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I am in the
family way."
The Yuppette was both surprised and shocked and asked
who it was.
The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."
This time, the Yuppette was horrified and demanded an
explanation.
"Well," the maid explained, " I go to the library to clean it and
your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living
room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm
in the family way and I quit."
The Ice Cream Man
Carlos the ice-cream man's van is parked at the side of the road.
Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches
down the street. But no sign of Carlos.
A policeman walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is
Carlos? Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream? He goes over to the
van and peers over the high counter. On the floor he spots Carlos,
Lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts,
hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits. "Get back kids,"
he shouts. Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets
on the radio to the station.
"Sarge get someone down here quick," he stutters, "It's Carlos the
ice-cream man......He's topped himself!" (By Robert Wilkes)
The sarge answers, "It's to be expected. Today's a Sundae." (S. K.)
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Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 09:22:33 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: A Skier's Dictionary <clean>
Condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary"
Henry Bread and Roy McKie
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for
assistance made by a European skier on a U.S.mountain. An appropriate
reply: "What Zermatter?"
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard,
Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious
injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis
skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and
on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious
injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO
bones of the middle ear have never beeen broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling
technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly
lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country
Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic
wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the
ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping
through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy
powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the
slopes:
* Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of
stairs.
* Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on
and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
* Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then,
holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict
circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness
within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The
other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force,
which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces
dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these
other physical laws:
* Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have
the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger
hospital bills.
* Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a
parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
* When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical
lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before
losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and
a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the
strained ankle begins.
Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" -
which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward,
palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed
and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you
should be mumbling, "Why?"
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 00:06:18 -0500
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Love
It takes only three seconds to say 'I love you' but a lifetime to prove it.
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