Digest for Saturday, December 04, 1999
There are 6 messages totalling 325 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Tunnel < mildly ethnic joke>
- Christmas Hunting (Part 1 of 3)
- Humor - Weird Business News #21 (2nd 0f 3)
- Puns of the Weak 12-3-99
- The Rall
- Its A Girl Thang (from one of you) [Adult]
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Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 02:01:05 -0500
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: The Tunnel < mildly ethnic joke>
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on
the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas
which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as
the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the
tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't
eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
______________________________________________
Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
The saving grace to see a joke,
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Humor is the best gift of all to give
______________________________________
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Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 09:25:06 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Hunting (Part 1 of 3)
Every year in December, comes a time that strikes fear into the
heart of every husband and father. That is the Christmas shopping.
Men are by nature conquerors, and the shopping experience of many
is the same as visiting an art gallery, museum, or sight-seeing.
There is nothing to do, no sense of accomplishment, and no
trophies. The stress we must endure is as high as when I first
proposed marriage to my wife, only I get to live through it again
every year.
Through deep analysis, I have decided that the problem is one of
attitude; how you approach the situation. Instead of "Christmas
shopping", I call it "Christmas hunting". Instead of gathering
presents, I "hunt and kill" them. Here is how it works
The Prey
In order to hunt something, you must have a prey, something to
hunt. With a normal hunting expedition, this would be deer,
rabbits, ducks, geese, etc. Even when you go fishing, there is
something to catch, kill, dress, and eat.
At Christmas time, the prey is the GIFT. The nature of the GIFT
is what determines the hunt. If, for example, you decided to go
Buffalo hunting, you would make all the necessary preparations -
special permits, gun, travel plans, etc. Bagging a GIFT is the
same.
The GIFT must be something personal that only she can use.
Although she may need a new kitchen appliance such as a blender,
for every kitchen appliance bought, you must spend at least
double to ten times that amount additional for her personal GIFT.
Just as a fish is different from a duck, GIFTS come in various
forms, from jewelry to clothing to knickknacks. Impracticality
is the rule here.
In order to understand the nature of the prey, you must do some
homework. This may involve actually looking or listening to your
wife. See what earrings (who knows where they came from?) she is
wearing. She will often give you hints that you are supposed to
hear and understand. It may come in the form of "I wish", or "it
would be nice if . . .", such as "I wish I had a watch to match
my shoes", or it may be that page from the department store
catalog that she wrapped your sandwich in. Look for the item
circled in red.
Pay attention during some of those ordeals you are made to endure
with her when you hold her purse as she moves clothing on a
display rack in a department store. See what catches her eye.
Another source is the television shopping channel. Stop for a few
more seconds and take note of what they are pedaling. This part
of the process can be related to when you learn about the best
fishing lakes, hunting forests, etc.
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bssixteen/
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Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 12:10:17 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #21 (2nd 0f 3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First last fifth bank name change
The Fifth Third Bank of Dayton, Ohio, has bought naming rights to the
team stadium of the minor league ball team Dayton Dragons. Now if Fifth
Third would only merge with the First National Bank they could become the
First Third Fifth National Bank. Or just the Odd Number Bank.
Why you need a DVD player on your company laptop computer. Omni Hotels
says it's removing adult pay-per-view movies from its guest room
televisions as part of its family-friendly policy.
Things nonreaders of this column might not know. The American Water Works
Association reported that 16.4 million Americans watched football on
Thanksgiving day, and at half time, most of them went to the toilet. The
resulting flushes used 48.5 million gallons of water.
Most Macho Name For An Oil Exploration Company: Velvet Exploration of
Calgary, Alberta.
Former Connecticut Gov. Lowell Weicker, the choice of Minnesota Gov. Jesse
Ventura for the nomination for president by the Reform Party, has taken one
step closer. Ventura is a former professional wrestler. Now Weicker has
been named to the board of the World Wrestling Federation. We just have to
get Weicker his own wrestling hold. Perhaps the huff-n-puff where he uses
great volumes of hot air to blow his opponent out of the ring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 13:08:29 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Puns of the Weak 12-3-99
RIDDLES: 322. How did the famous Austrian physicist gamble in the pub?
323. What Shakespeare play shows that the Bard was a Boy Scout?
324. If you saw a rose trellis and a dune by a lighthouse in a
windstorm, what would you actually be seeing?
325. What spice lingers then leaves?
Movie of the Weak: Reagan's fall guy purchases controlling interest in a
major airline.
Book of the Weak: The adventures of two Siamese cats, who are joined at
the tail.
T. V. Show of the Weak: Tony Danza stars as a power hungry general
trying to take advantage of unrest in the Balkan region.
Song of the Weaak: A salmon's progeny asks, "Am I a fish or an egg?"
Its mother answers:
Celebrity of the Weak: The actor whose fatherhood was met with derision:
PUNS: •A drummer can cymbalize the enthusiasm of a band. (Pun of the Day)
•Shiftless: What your car becomes when you slap it into reverse at 50
miles per hour. (B. C. by Jeffrey Hart)
•Working in a coffee house is often “a daily grind.” (Jumble)
•Advanced Life painting Studio. This group grows out of a need for
professional artists to have an opportunity to paint from the model.
Tuition includes model feel. (Richard Lederer)
•What Christmas song lyrics do transvestites sing while getting ready
for a Holiday Party?" Don we now our gay apparel".(Ken Pinkham)
•My ex-girlfriend left a box of tampons at my house. I keep a couple of
them with me at all times. In case someone starts playing classical
music I'll jam them in my ears. I hate music from that period! (DogByte)
•Rhumba: An Asset To Music (Dave Coble)
•Two old ladies were in their rocking chairs reminiscing, "Do you
remember the Minuet?" The response is too naughty to post here, but it
began, "I can't even remember the men I ......" (Frank Haugh)
•"We did not inhale," said Bill and Hillary, jointly.
•Primitive societies use only rough approximations for the known
constants of mathematics. For example, the northern tribes of Alaska
consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to
be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called Eskimo pi.
(Teresa’s Jokers)
•My grandfather suffers from Old Timer s Disease. (Richard Lederer)
•As school gets under way, we listen as the principal asks the pregnant
English teacher, "How long do you expect to teach?" "From here to
maternity," she conceptualized. (Norman Gilbert)
•32 Bit Resolution: City Council motion to spend four dollars (Stan Kegel)
•If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? (Ed Hexler)
•We all cherish praise, … But a hike in our pay is … The best kind of
ways. (John S. Crosbie)
•What Christmas song lyrics did the family sing when Uncle Chester got
drunk and sat down in the fire place? Chet's nuts roasting on an open
fire? (Ken Pinkham)
•"Not A Guitar" by Amanda Lynn
•If a doctor of geriatrics treats old people, and a doctor of gynecology
treats women; then, what does a geriatric- gynecologist specialize in?
Spreading old wives tails. (MS Kitty)
You will always know … A gentleman head to toe … By his sneeze,
"Hat-shoe!" (Gary Hallock)
•Fearing that she might be a hemophiliac, the prostitute went to see her
doctor. "It's awful," she says. "Every time I get even a small cut, it
takes days for the bleeding to stop." "I see," said the physician. "And
how much do you lose when you get your period?" She thought for a
moment, then answered, "About five grand.
•Autopsy: The top on a convertible car
•I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks
in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting,
raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of
ritual on one young member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect
to me. (Laugh Your Ass Off)
•Adobe Photoshop: Red building where your picture is taken. (Stan Kegel)
•Idaho: What the hooker replied when the judge asked, "Where are you from
and what do you do for a living?" (Ken Pinkham)
•Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? (Ryoga)
•The best way to stop an elephant from charging is to take away his
credit card. (Harvey C. Gordon)
•In the fall, many “turn over an old leaf.” (Jumble)
•Most bakers have good manners because they are well bread. (Cynthia
MacGregor)
•It is better to copulate than never.(Robert Heinlein)
•Before an airline changes a procedure they have a pilot project to find
out if the idea will fly (Terry Galen)
•Placate: Have the lead in "Taming of the Shrew".(Ken Pinkham)
•There's nothing wrong with incest just as long as you keep it in the
family. (Milton Mayer)
•The men were arrested for Mister Meeners. (Richard Lederer)
•"I am learning how to be a glazier," Tom said painfully. (P C Swanson)
•Why won't cannibals eat divorced women? They're very bitter. (Original Sin)
•The optometrist became rich because he was “a man of vision.” (Jumble)
•Is cotton fiber used to make yarn? That's what I gather. (Louis Phillips)
•Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch? So he could greet
visitors with a handshake (The Placebo Page)
ANSWERS: 322. "I'll bet ein stein" (By Clynch Varnadore)
323. Much ado about knotting (By Cynthia MacGregor)
324. A beacon lattice and tornado sand ridge (By Stan Kegel)
325. Tarragon (tarry - gone) (By Lars Hanson)
Movie of the Weak: North Buys Northwest (By Gary Hallock)
Book of the Weak: "A Tail of Two Kitties": (By Gill Krebs)
T. V. Show of the Weak: Whose Is The Bosnia? (By Gary Hallock)
Song of the Weak: "Roe, Roe, Roe, You're Both." (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Celebrity of the Weak: Humph! He Begot (By Lars Hanson)
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Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 16:08:13 -0800
From: M. Zaiem Beg <zbeg@WOLFENET.COM>
Subject: The Rall <clean>
This puzzled me greatly until I discovered in an obscure tome of
psychoyakalysis a mention of exactly this phenomena.
It seems that many of the sad and lonely have imaginary friends, which
for some reason they name Rall. Now Rall of course is never here and thus
after a while they grow impatient and scream 'Late Rall', meaning that
Rall is once again late arriving.
Then a miniscule amount of sanity impinges upon their consciousness and
in embarrassment they hurriedly leave before the teasing begins.
So the next time someone shouts out 'Late Rall' please spare a thought for
the poor, sad, misguided, lonely person that lies behind the cry.
-M. Zaiem Beg
zbeg@wolfenet.com
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Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 18:24:44 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: It's A Girl Thang (from one of you) [Adult]
IT'S A GIRL THANG!
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
Can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard-on
I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles at any cost,
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
I never forget an important date
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch,
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face,
Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem
Expressing my feelings
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling .
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
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