Digest for Sunday, December 05, 1999

There are 4 messages totalling 177 lines in this issue.





Topics of the day:

Christmas Hunting (Part 2 of 3)
A Man, a Dog, and a Sheep
Humor - Weird Business News #21 (3rd 0f 3)
Rivalry

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 5 Dec 1999 09:41:52 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Hunting (Part 2 of 3)

The Weapon

The biggest problem with the Christmas Hunt is the weapon. In
order to "kill" your prey, the GIFT, you must use a paper or
plastic weapon. A check book or credit card just don't look as
ominous as a 12-gauge shotgun. There is nothing to wield. When
you go fishing there is the pole, hunting has its gun, and even
when you are golfing, you have a club to carry. Merchants frown
on customers bringing and carrying firearms around in their
stores. I have yet to find a suitable substitute. If the problem
is acute, finding and carrying around a pole-like device (spear)
may do. This may be in the form of a shower rod, mop handle, or
umbrella. A coffee cup or beer mug may also suffice if you don't
mind carrying one around a store, as this is similar to the
scabbard on a sword.

Some stores have large plastic candy canes filled with candy or
bath oil beads that could substitute for the weapon. This may help
you during your hunt for the GIFT. You don't have to purchase,
just borrow it for a while until the real game has been tracked
and bagged. There has yet to be invented a weapon-shaped object
that would appeal to women.

The License

If you can walk in the store, you have a license to hunt there.
Your driver's license, or whatever identification you use to get
beer and tobacco products can be used for the Christmas hunt.
This will be displayed to the game warden (store clerk) when the
weapon (credit card or personal check) is used to get the GIFT.
The prey may then be dressed (gift wrapped) or put in a bag for
protection. The receipt compares to the deer or duck stamp.
Unless you have a lot of experience wrapping things, this is best
left to the professionals in order to be more attractive when it
is presented to your wife. Your limit is determined by the
balance left in your account.

The Site

Just as you would not hunt deer in the middle of a lake, where
you go depends on the prey you are hunting. Hunters and gatherers
have always shared space. The same field used for getting plants
has been the roaming place for pheasants. In the forest where
berries are found, the deer and elk roam. In order to get the
GIFT, you must go alone into the dark, scary forest called
"The Mall".

(If this is too drastic, a "Department Store" may help ease you
into the experience.)

At each entrance of a Mall, there is a totem called a "kiosk".
This will help narrow down the hunt. The various stores are
listed by item sold, so you can proceed directly to the quarry,
avoiding the quick-sand and cliffs.  Each store in a mall is
divided as are department stores into specialized areas. Just as
some fish like deep water, and others prefer shallow, the items
sold there are separated as to type and size. There is usually
an extra area designated for jewelry or electronic devices and
cameras. Signs on or near the ceilings can lead you to the proper
area.

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Sun, 5 Dec 1999 11:44:14 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Man, a Dog, and a Sheep

    A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After
    a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the
    man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to
    growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the
    opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction.
    He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him.
    The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to
    the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash
    around its neck. By now, the man is getting depressed-- and
    frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a
    beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.
    She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state,
    asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The man thinks for
    a moment and then responds, "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Sun, 5 Dec 1999 12:05:12 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #21 (3rd 0f 3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                Pay today, or get 25-cent rebate.

 The Money-Making Idea Award: Many hotels distribute USA Today to guests.
Guests think they are getting the paper for free. They are not. Gannett
Co., publisher of USA Today, theoretically charges the hotels 25 cents for
each paper, in order to count it as paid circulation. If a guest goes to
the front desk and declines the paper, he or she is entitled to a
25-cent-a-day refund on the hotel bill.

 The Real Hostile Takeover Award to Russian troops who used chain saws to
force their way into the headquarters of the Transneft oil pipeline in
Moscow to install the newly appointed chief of the company in his office.

 The It's No Surprise If You Send Out A News Release to Scholastic Inc.,
which did just that to announce NBA player David Robinson was making a
"surprise visit" to a San Antonio school.

 News Flash. Nathaniel Keithley of Colchester, Ill., and Lauren McDonald of
Huntingdon, Tenn., each won $20,000 first prizes in the annual National
Oreo Stacking Championships. Both stacked 24 of the cookies without either
having them fall over or eating them.

 Attorneys for VoyeurDorm of Tampa, Fla., have filed suit against that city
after it tried to shut down the group home where five women live. A Web
site televises the events of their lives 24 hours a day.

 Best name change for a dot.com company: Hardball Software of Chantilly,
Va., is now InfoShark.

 The Gender Power Award to Marta Brown of Morganfield, Ky. She sued
Wal-Mart Stores, seeking $67,000 in lost wages, pain and suffering whe the
store replaced her as Santa Claus. A customer had complained that playing
Santa was a man's job.

 While this is the last Weird Business News of this century, never fear. It
will continue. The dawning of a new millennium doesn't mean people will
stop being people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   ò

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index

Date:    Mon, 6 Dec 1999 09:13:42 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Rivalry <clean, true story>

Coke proceeded to build factories in many of the former Soviet states
way before it's great rival, Pepsi got on the market there.  So, when
they opened their first factory in Georgia, the company decided to
promote it as much as they could. Thus they proceeded to invite
Eduard Shevarnadze, the president of the country for the celebration, and
he agreed to be there.

  The great day came, the first bottle of Coke was about to roll off
from the assembly line, the president of the country, the national TV
channel's cameras and reporters were all there. The first bottle arrives, they
open it, and hand it to Mr. Shevarnadze. He picks it up, sips some, with
the whole country watching, and with a smile which cheers the heart of
Coke's marketing manager he says "Great taste ... just like Pepsi!"

Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index