Digest for Monday, December 06, 1999
There are 7 messages totalling 390 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Two doctors
- Christmas Hunting (Part 3 of 3)
- Giggles
- Dieting
- Following her mothers advice
- Barbies letter to Santa
- The Husband
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Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 11:16:32 +0300
From: pelin <pelin@EGENET.COM.TR>
Subject: Two doctors
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.
They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we
sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of
fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the
bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the
operating
room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom
and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we
started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "
You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit
surprised. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
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Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 07:20:06 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Hunting (Part 3 of 3)
Rules and Regulations
Getting a personal GIFT for your wife has specific rules, like a
size limit on a fish caught in a lake. Here are some that will
help keep you out of trouble
- Buy her something she already has. Then she can exchange it
for something she really likes and "you will never know".
- Avoid sizes. If you have to get her any clothing, get a size
or two too small. This translates in her mind as a compliment.
- No underwear, Teddies, or pajamas. This is interpreted as a
gift for you, and also conflicts with rule two above.
- If it comes from a store you are comfortable in, get something
else. There are no personal items for women in sporting goods,
hardware, liquor, or fishing/tackle stores. The possible
exception is if you are building that romantic porch swing she
has bugged you about for years. In this case, have it finished
before Christmas, or you will have to go back into the forest
for something else.
- No plants, flowers, or cards. These are for other occasions,
weddings, and deaths. These are interpreted as make-do gifts,
such as those things you grab at the last minute at the
airport, the gas station, or the check-out stand.
- The GIFT must personal and impractical. The breadmaker and
blender are used by everyone in the house, not just her. It
must hers and hers alone. An exception would be an automobile.
Compact - yes, Mini-van - no.
- Things that enhance her personal hobby or collection are sure
winners. If she collects Barbies, an expensive ceramic version
would be an excellent trophy to give her.
- Expensive candy is OK, but does not constitute the main GIFT.
Put this in her Christmas stocking with the plastic candy cane
you forgot to put back.
The Perfect Hunt
The best way to turn "Christmas shopping" into "Christmas hunting"
would be to organize a hunting trip. Treat this the same as any
other hunting expedition. Get together some buddies. Drive to the
other side of the next state and camp. Drink and play poker until
you all pass out. Wake up before dawn and walk at least a mile to
the forest (mall). If it's not open yet, have breakfast. Malls
open earlier and stay open later as Christmas day approaches.
Divide into two's and hunt for the GIFT. Admire each other's kill.
Unless the GIFT is a car hood ornament, it would be tacky to tie
the GIFT to the hood of the car. Only something too large, such
as exercise equipment, can hang out of the trunk with bungee cords.
Spend the rest of the day in the sports bar or golf course.
I have had a lot of success with this attitude toward getting the
GIFT. On one experience, I tackled the greatest of all forests,
Mall of America. I arrived on Christmas Eve morning at 7 am,
parked right outside the door, and I was back in the car with her
GIFT in 45 minutes. I wouldn't recommend this to an amateur
hunter.
Once you get the hang of the "Christmas Hunt", you can attempt
the "Anniversary Hunt" or the "Birthday Hunt", once you figure
out which days those are.
[Thanks to Carey V. Smith]
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 07:54:02 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Giggles
Last Rites
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying
on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest.
Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd
but no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A priest,
please" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty
years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not
even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St.
Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm
listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this
man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the
dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a
solemn voice: "J-2. I-1. O-27. F-34. I-12. . ."
=========================================================================
Factoid
Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's
Flight Simulator.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Quiz
What is the largest amount of money, in coins, that you can have without
being able to make change for a dollar?
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Blonde and the Sheepherder
Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue
eyes and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to
get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and
bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came
across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. "Well thank you.", said the
herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in
your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the
sheepherder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and
then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out
the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching
this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a
proposition for you".
"What is it?", queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real colour of your hair...can I have my dog back?"
===========================================================================
Answers
three quarters, four dimes and four pennies (you have $1.19)
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Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 09:29:13 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Dieting <off. to fatty's>
YOU KNOW IT IS TIME FOR A DIET WHEN:
- You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.
- You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.
- Weight Watchers demands your resignation.
- You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune
and it says, "One at a time, please!"
- Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed
contact lenses.
- The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants
to make a turn without flipping over.
- You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the
entire blackboard.
- They throw puffed rice at your wedding.
(Wait.... that's if you're pregnant)
- You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone
adjusting a venetian blind.
- You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself
to sleep.
- You nod one chin and two others second the motion.
*************************
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
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Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 12:00:16 -0500
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Following her mother's advice
A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to
say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl stammered.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun
if you're on the level about this."
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Date: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 15:00:14 +0300
From: Ground Zero <g_zero@NEMIRA.RO>
Subject: Barbie's letter to Santa <mature>
(by courtesy of Thomas Holkenbrink)
Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year,being the perfect
Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in
fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but it's
paybacktime. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call
for a nationwide meltdown,and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell
it.
These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro toget him, bring
me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a
boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct.Give me arms that
actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is
anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make real money.
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of
cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of
the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these
demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new
bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for
changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career
changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were
made about me, my sexuality,and some of my fashion choices. I would like to
take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well
as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms.Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
bitch has everything.
Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses,
Corvettes, dunebuggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the
ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously
designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to
accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it
was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature.
Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon
Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go
Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken."
These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up
markets that have been underserved.
As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would
also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the
needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action
to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget
about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely, Ken
--
"Realmendon'tneedspacebars!"
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 09:13:14 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Husband <clean>
Bride to groom:
Is this really your third marriage?
Sure is.
What happened to your first two wives?
They died.
How did your first wife die?
She ate some poisonous mushrooms.
What about your second wife?
She died from a severe skull fracture.
How did she get a skull fracture?
She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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