Digest for Tuesday, December 07, 1999
There are 11 messages totalling 532 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Twelve Days of Christmas, Redneck Style & Microsoft Style
- Trip to the doctor
- Science From The Eyes of 5th and 6th Graders
- Sects and The Old Perfesser
- Job Definitions
- Myopia
- repost: Re: Pentium Humor (fwd) (fwd)
- Dealing with Biblical Texts
- Stupid Criminal Story #17
- Tie-up
- Recent Groaners
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 06:23:24 -0500
From: Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Twelve Days of Christmas, Redneck Style & Microsoft Style
12 Days Of Redneck Christmas
On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
A 12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin' tickets
10 tins of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
[Thanks to Irismist]
<><><><><><><><>
12 Days Of Microsoft Christmas
by Gil Glass
On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 sound cards silent
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 98 for my PC
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
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Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 14:09:35 +0300
From: pelin <pelin@EGENET.COM.TR>
Subject: Trip to the doctor
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a
homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of
you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men
left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again
indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs,
they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the
lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the
bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot
glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how
seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they
came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The
homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to
pick that up, we're both dead."
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 07:23:09 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Science From The Eyes of 5th and 6th Graders
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and
you sit on the bottom.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing
it through an aviator.
The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other
places.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like
umbrellas.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun but I never
have been able to make out the numbers.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting.
When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the
other.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be
called a drop, it does.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
because so many people are stomping around there these days.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed
for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If
you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 08:12:24 -0500
From: Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Sects and The Old Perfesser <adult>
The old perfesser and I were talking the other day.
He said, "My wife converted me to religion."
"Really?" I replied.
"Yup. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
The old perfesser was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid
was one sexy looking lady!
The old perfesser slapped a ten spot on the table and said,
"I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."
She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted
the bet. The old perfesser took his glass eye out, placed it beside
the drink and went to the bathroom.
"Betcha I can bite my own ear," the old perfesser challenged next.
The bet was accepted, he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear.
Once more he scooped up the money.
"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.
The old perfesser lifted her skirt & away they went.
"I can feel you," she giggled. [ I can believe she giggled! ]
"Oh well," the old perfesser said, "You win some, you lose some!!"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
The little perfesser [scary but true; he started out as a normal kid,
same as you and... well, same as you] was in his math class one
day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary,
$50 to Merleen and $50 to Tammy, what would you have?"
"An orgy," the little perfesser answered.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Back in the good old days, when the old perfesser was whooping it up
in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing
appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.
The old perfesser said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance. The old perfesser
smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."
Later, she suggested that they go up to her room.
"I'm no Cary Grant," replied the old perfesser, "but I'll follow you up there."
They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then
do what had been on their minds all evening, and it wasn't listening to the
radio...
Anyway, after they consummate their relationship, the lady says, "What
about some money?"
The old perfesser shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
Jud ran into the old perfesser yesterday. He had been down for
a few days with the flu. Jud asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks," replied the old perfesser. "You know, it was
a wonderful experience."
"Wonderful?" asked Jud. "How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well," said the old perfesser, "I learned that MrsPerfesser really
loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a
delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out to meet them.
'My husband is home! My husband is home!' I could hear her
telling them."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
The Old Perfesser was bragging about his sex life when his friend
came visiting at the Home for Retired Perfessers.
"You can still do it?" asked Jud. "You know, I have sex with my
wife twice a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!" said the old perfesser.
"Almost every night?" Jud exclaimed.
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday, almost..."
***************************************
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
- The Old Perfesser
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 09:28:12 -0500
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Job Definitions
An ADULT... is a person who has stopped growing at
both ends and is now growing in the middle.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are
born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scrap off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
A BANKER is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when
the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it
begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An ECONOMIST is an expert who will know tomorrow why
the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A STATISTICIAN is someone who is good with numbers but
lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An ACTUARY is someone who brings a fake bomb on a
plane, because that decreases the chances that there
will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A PROGRAMMER is someone who solves a problem you
didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A MATHEMATICIAN is a blind man in a dark room looking
for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A TOPOLOGIST is a man who doesn't know the difference
between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A LAWYER is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A PSYCHOLOGIST is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters
the room.
A PROFESSOR is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A SCHOOLTEACHER is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A CONSULTANT is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the
time.
A DIPLOMAT is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
will look forward to the trip.
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 09:41:52 -0500
From: Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Myopia
Li'l Ben comes home from school with a note from his Teacher:
"Mr./Mrs. Pauly, At school, your son is exhibiting all the signs of
myopia. Please take of this immediately."
Mr Pauly wrote back:
"Teecher: I had a stern talk with him about it and thrashed him within an
inch of his life. He won't be doing that no more."
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 19:20:19 +0200
From: Alar -The Joker- Pardla <alar14@MAIL.EE>
Subject: repost: Re: Pentium Humor (fwd) (fwd)
Date: Wed, 7 Dec 1994 09:35:05 PST
From: David Burwell <sudsb@TELECOM.TELECOM.COM>
> > I believe that it was in Business Week that Intel was quoted
> > as saying that the Pentium Bug would not affect the only user.
> > They figured that only 1 in 27,000 users would be affected.
> In an attempt to minimize the situation, the president of Intel
> announced that this bug will surface only once every 4 billion
> machine instructions (or some way out number like that).
> Someone in comp.sys.intel responded by saying that based on
> the speed of the Pentium processor and the number of machine
> instructions it can pump through per minute, the error should
> occur once every 23 minutes. Of course if he derived this
> calculation with a Pentium it may be invalid.
Only if it took more than 23 minutes to calulate.
signature> Its December - check out http://jokes.isp.ee/christmas/
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 15:21:09 -0500
From: Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Dealing with Biblical Texts <may offend fundamentalists>
Discovered while I was cleaning out files. jhm
Date: Sun, 5 Feb 1995 11:37:30 CST6CDT
From: G. L. Seligmann <GUS@cas.unt.edu>
Subject: Further Adventures in Southern Middle Tennessee
On this thread a note from South Central New Mexico (20 miles
north of El Paso TX or 20 miles South of Las Cruces NM). In the town
of Anthony NM/TX (the state boundary splits the town) are several
fundamentalist churches. In one, which for personal reasons must go
unnamed, there was once a SS class of ladies in their mid-60s
and up. They had been together for about 40 years but to the best of
my knowledge they had no first names, that is to say they addressed
each other as Mrs. Jones, etc. One Sunday the topic of the class
concerned the unfortunate fact that the name RAHAB is listed only
twice in the Bible, once in the story of Joshua as "Rahab the harlot"
and the second time she appears it is in the genealogy of Jesus in
Matthew. This topic took up the whole class period and the
conclusion they reached was that "HARLOT" had a different meaning in
Biblical times.
I toyed with the idea of writing this up for Garrison Keillor for
use on "Prairie Home Companion" but found out he did not accept
outside stuff. I think it could have come from Lake Woebegon.
Gus Seligmann
gus@cas.unt.edu
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 19:02:22 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Stupid Criminal Story #17
The wrong bar to rob.
LAS VEGAS -- Four gunmen tried to rob a bar filled with off-duty police
officers, touching off a shootout in which one of the intruders was killed
and six customers were wounded.
Witnesses said there were about 70 people in Mr. D's bar and the rock band
Pigs in a Blanket -- made up mostly of police officers -- had just finished
playing when the masked gunmen burst in early Sunday.
One of the off-duty officers exchanged fire with the gunmen. That officer
was one of the wounded.
The officer, identified only as a 20-year veteran of the Las Vegas police
force, was in good condition Monday with four gunshot wounds.
Three of the gunmen fled. The fourth, 19-year-old Emilio Rodriguez, was
shot several times and died on the sidewalk in front of the bar. The rest
of the wounded were not seriously hurt.
Source: Houston Chronicle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1999 09:10:46 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Tie-up <clean>
It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, Miss
Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little
feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch. The
last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy.
Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a bit
too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.
To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced,
"Teacher, these boots aren't mine."
In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim
gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back.
Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but Mommy said I
could wear them to school today."
Chalapathi
And His
Four-Line
Signature! :-)
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Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 22:05:21 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Recent Groaners
Christmas Eve: From: Original Sins <originalsins@usa.net>
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves
at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. Upon entering they are told
by Saint Peter that they must present something "Christmassy" in order
to get into heaven.
The first man searches his pockets, and finds some pine needles from
the family's Christmas tree. He is let into Heaven.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon from presents that were
opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed into Heaven.
The third man pulls out a pair of black lace panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter says in a booming voice, "I
fail to see the relevance. How do *these* represent Christmas?"
To which the third man sheepishly replies, "Oh... They're Carol's."
The Sea: From: Clynch Varnadore <Clynch_Varnadore@selinc.com>
One afternoon The Sea rolled into the office of Alfred Werner, clinical
psychologist. The doctor smiled; he hadn't seen his old friend in ages.
"Well, well! Long time no sea! How are you doing?"
"Swell," replied the Sea saltily.
"Then what, Pacifically, is the problem?"
"Well," the Sea swished sadly, "I'm getting tired of just going in and
out every day, in and out, in and out, in and--"
"I understand," Dr. Werner interrupted hastily, "but I fear there's
nothing to be done about it. For you see, my friend, you're just fit to
be tide." (By Clynch Varnadore)
The Housing Grant: From: Dogbyte <dogbyte@MightyCool.com>
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six
midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the
building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going
rate for rent. Since we have only one "little person" living here it
turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we
built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.
Guts: From: The Hallock Entity <c.hallock@mail.utexas.edu>
The job description called for "A man with guts." The field was
narrowed down to the final applicants who were given a written exam
consisting of 7 questions worth 6 points each. This process should have
narrow it down to one final candidate but each man who took the exam
scored a perfect score. What do you know? Intestinal fortitude! (By Gary Hallock)
Candy In Xanth: From: Mary Alexander <tamchorin@home.com>
You see, I was walking along in Xanth the other day when I saw a white
square in front of me on the path. Well, I heard it first, because it
was shouting the most vile insults I had ever heard. I knew immediately
that it was abase, so naturally I flipped it over and looked under it.
Sure enough, there was my favorite kind of candy, ... a base mint. (By
Mary Alexander)
The Talent Scout: From: "futhman" <futhman@transbd.net>
Shelley, a talent scout for a large recording studio, was walking by a
convent when he heard someone singing in a voice so beautiful he
couldn't believe his ears. He rang the bell and asked to speak to the
woman with the amazing voice. Soon a young nun appeared.
"Sister," Shelley said, "I represent Euphonics, Inc., and I'd like you
to make a tape of hymns. Your fee could be donated to charity."
"I'd be delighted," she replied, "but first I must get written
permission from our Mother Superior."
"Okay, Sister, just give me a call."
Shelley rushed back to the office and described his find to his boss.
Then he asked for a raise.
Replied the boss, "Wait 'til the nun signs, Shelley.
Going Out: From: Clynch_Varnadore@selinc.com
Well, my wife hates fishing. Doesn't understand it a bit. If she even
thinks about me fishing, she gets red in the face and starts shouting,
"How can a full grown man take pleasure in shoving a piece of metal
through the mouth of a living creature?".She won't even eat fish.
However, she doesn't mind if I go play poker. I was able to use this to
my advantage one time (and one time only!). I wanted to go fishing on
the half-day boat, which goes out to a part of the kelp beds off the
coast of San Diego. The beds are marked with floats which are anchored
to the bottom of the ocean, so that boaters won't go into the beds and
snarl their screws.
I hit upon the perfect idea and told her I was going out. She assumed I
was going to play poker, so she was pretty upset when I came back
smelling like fish. "Where have you been?" she started, "I told you I
don't like you going fishing!"
"Honey," I responded, "I told you where I was going and you said that
was no problem and I should have a good time!"
She started screaming, "What? You said you were going out with your friends!"
"No!" I answered, managing not to smile, "I said I was ... 'going out
with the bouys'" (By Clynch Varnadore)
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